Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

@commonsense61 I haven't met them.

Yea we all say we will walk away. We all tolerate the things we never would before. It’s all part of the manipulation and gaslighting abuse. Maybe when you feel you can’t walk away because you’ve been gaslit into thinking your the problem and you can’t meet his expectations but keep trying you’ll understand all the women who walked the path and warned you. Very best of luck!

It is up to the op

None of us know what he is going to do and if he will abuse her

All we do know is that a man who has been abusive in the past is very very likely to repeat that behaviour in future relationships

The only thing I would say is be careful op thinking you are in control here, you seem to think you can walk at anytime - maybe you are in deeper than you know

Mine was fine with all that stuff too. Came across as mild mannered and kind and reasonable most of the time. Still dragged me out of bed and down the stairs in front of my kids though. Amongst other things.

I find it interesting you're still posting OP. If you were really sure you'd made the right decision about this guy I think you'd be avoiding this thread in glorious ignorance.

I understand 'boiling frog syndrome', and how difficult it is to extract oneself from an abusive relationship once a serious number has been done on you. But this has been three meagre months. It's not long enough even to know someone, let alone be 'in deep'.

And, after all the disclosures, using his strength against you, putting you in fear: all that still isn't warning enough and you're now actually considering at some point letting him meet your child? The idea is so unfathomable that I actually had to scroll upthread to confirm this is definitely what you wrote.

As my eyes were not deceiving me, the only possible deduction is that this is a completely hopeless case.

It's your own lookout, OP.

What would have needed to be in the disclosure to make you decide to lwalk away? I'm curious as I think for most people a few months into a relationship there being anything at all to disclose would be enough.

Can you speak to the police again and ask to speak to the person that prepared the disclosure to get more information? You said that the lady you spoke to said she didn't prepare it so couldn't answer your questions. If you explain that was what she said and none of what she did say concerned you so you're still seeing him and considering letting him meet your child they may be able to give you a little more information.

My worry is that you were prepared to walk away at the start of this thread and didn’t.

I would completely remove the idea of him meeting the DC this year. Men often only show their true side once they are full emerged into your life and at the moment he still sounds on the outskirts. Once he gets access to your real home life is when they tend to drop the mask so please stay guarded.

@olivietolivie

I'm just going to drop this cautionary note. Take it for what it's worth. The fact that he's 'being nice' now means nothing. My exH and I knew each other for 3 years and dated for over a year. He never raised his voice or laid a hand on me until we were married. Abusers know to show you only their 'sweet side' and can hold that pose for as long as necessary in order to gain their objective.

There was no such thing as a DV registry back in my day. We just had to take our chances, I guess. But you have been 'forewarned' by Claire's Law.

I'd think twice if I were you. You'll never meet Mr Right if you're tangled up with Mr Wrong 'Un.

Excellent idea about going back to the police and saying you are planning on him meeting your child.

This thread makes my stomach churn. You and your child could end up dead at worst, or intensely traumatised at best. Men kill women or make their lives not worth living.

I am fully prepared to completely walk away if I am treated badly in anyway

He already has mistreated you and here you are defending your relationship.

So my situation was that I was assaulted and took photos. It was during lockdown and I didn’t want to pursue it due to my family being around me. So I left it until 2021 . I reported it then, explained and sent in the photos.

The police said that because they didn’t take the photos and I didn’t report it sooner, they couldn’t get a case together for the CPS.

I didn’t realise that any photographs of assaults need to be taken by the police as well to show that the pictures were not tampered with or altered. It sounds obvious now but at the time, I naively didn’t think about it.

. They went through the procedure with me and told me my injury was a serious case of ABH. Had I reported it at the time, it would have been suitable for prosecution.

So the police put the file on Claire’s law. I was upset that I could not prosecute him, but it shows the importance of contacting the police as soon as possible after any violence. But that was difficult in my case and I left it too long for interviewing purposes.

So if this man has said that it’s a false allegation, I would be very wary indeed. The police only put file up onto Claire’s law if they believe violence has taken place, but they are unable to prosecute for various reasons.

I was assaulted and it was certainly not a false allegation.

So I would recommend that you follow through with the police OP and make sure that you have thoroughly checked out this individual.

In my case, the man involved has perpetrated many other types of abuse against me, particularly financial and I am being supported by domestic violence charity at the moment.

Often, one type of abuse goes hand-in-hand with another and can be extensive. So please don’t leave this.

Please read this @olivietolivie 💜

Yes, I think extra clarification is needed. I’m sure they would be more than happy to arrange another meeting.

So you're still planning to let this abusive man meet your child in the summer?

It's distressing me to read this thread.

There’s definitely food for thought on this thread op

It is definitely true to say that he will be putting his best foot forward this early on in the relationship- that’s normal but I always tell people you need a good 2/3 years before you are getting a proper understanding of the character you are with

The story above where the poster was unable to press charges is very concerning where it was still going to be put on the Claire’s law file

I guess you are thinking you are handling things but please be careful you just never really know do you

I think aswell in long term abusive relationships women are less likely to go to the police the longer they are together until they snap or find the strength years down the line after another incident

I don’t know how many incidents were mentioned but it’s worth bearing in mind that even if there’s only one incident after many years together there was probably many incidents prior

@olivietolivie

This is true. Why are you ignoring the previous mistreatment? You don't give a 'mulligan' on abusive behaviour. To do so just shows an abusive person what they can get away with. Over and over and over.

This thread is very interesting. I was signposted it by a friend. It's made me wonder if someone asked for information under Claire's Law for my ex would there be anything ?
I reported an assault that happened quite soon after we split. I changed my mind because I was scared of repercussions but the police took it out of my hands and said they would be speaking to him whether I liked it or not.
During our relationship and marriage there were a lot of incidents that just became normal, he was very good at the reactive abuse so he could push me and make me react then tell me I was crazy and he could be the victim. During his interview he no commented to everything I was told but then afterwards told the officer he was the victim and I was the abuser. There was no charges or conviction but seeing someone say on here if the police believe there was violence they would make a record of it for CL. The post separation emotional abuse for a few months probably affected me more than the abuse in the marriage because I'm the marriage it had become normal. He's been on dating sites since we split which has been a good few years now so I do hope if he does find someone they also have their wits about them as I fully expect he will be playing the victim card on dates. I should have seen the red flags in the beginning when he told me about his "crazy ex" but the love bombing drew me in. I can relate to the OP and sincerely wish her the very best and hope she is safe.

Bit confused on this thread. Is what way has her bf been abusive or nasty in anyway? I cannot seem to find where she says he's done something.

Here you go:

We ended up in bed. I had wanted to wait longer as wasn't really ready for that. He checked that I consented and whether I wanted him to stop and I said it was ok, but I definitely ended up in a vulnerable situation that I had started the evening resolute not to be in.

When it was time for me to go home, he didn't want me to go. And for about twenty minutes I'd estimate he didn't let me go. Not in a nasty way, but he was using his body to prevent me from getting up and kept saying that he wanted me to stay. I felt scared but tried not to show it.

I want to be clear that at no point was there any aggression or anything. Just a playful use of his strength that meant I couldn't leave when I wanted to

I really hope OP sees sense soon. I've never once been scared of my partner. He's never used his strength to make me stay somewhere against my will. Because nice, normal blokes don't do these things. That sort of behaviour, combined with his history, is the reason people are concerned for OP.

Ahh ok

I've read back over all of my posts on this thread as I feel a bit muddled about where my train of thought went.

I think it was the police visit that confused things for me. The person I spoke to really couldn't tell me anything about whether they actually thought he posed a risk and didn't know whether they were false allegations. It was completely unhelpful. Whereas I think my expectation on going in was that they would tell me something useful.

I suppose it gave me hope that he is being honest.

@olivietolivie when I met my ex partner, after a while he told me he had been attending anger management type classes due to being arrested after a fight with his ex. He also played it all down, saying there were much worse people there, that his ex and him had a volatile relationship (both drinkers). Stupidly I continued seeing him as he seemed so decent. As expected, the anger came up and I was emotionally abused for a while before I ended it. I think I wish I'd thought that there are plenty more fish in the sea without these issues/flags.

Maybe ask yourself why him, as there is even a hint of a red flag. In my case I felt bad to judge and took his view point. I guess I also had low self esteem as I think if you have higher self esteem, you wouldn't think twice in these situations.

I was just wondering whether there has been any love bombing going on, in the case of one of my daughters she was loved bombed for around a year, before the switch happened. It happened a few weeks before my daughter gave birth to the bloke's baby. As a father I've been following this thread from the start, nothing from the updates from the OP, makes me feel less inclined, to think that there's something well off kilter, going on.

OP and how many times have people on here who actually work in this area told you that if there was any indication at all that these were false allegations, they wouldn't have been disclosed!

Your "partner" is lying about it.