How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

[NoSmokeWithoutFire0]

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

Yes. Trust your instinct on this one. He would have no problem with it if he was innocent.

If you haven’t dumped him already you’re crazy.

Let the trash take itself out then if he's so unhappy with you.

“Move on from his past” = pretend he isn’t an abuser

Screaming guilty and waving a flag.

And trying to coerce you into feeling too guilty to follow up. Classic abusive behaviour. If you loved me, you’d trust I haven’t ever beaten another woman up.

A good guy would recognise how sensible it is, and know it isn’t aimed at him but a necessary consequence of some men’s behaviour.

Yes trust your gut instinct. Moving on from his past means he has one. Better for you to move on instead

God he sounds like my ex.

Run.

'Guilty' or not... it doesn't matter.
Something made you unsettled enough to make the application and his reaction screams 'not relationship material'. You have all the information you need right there.

Tell him he's free to make an enquiry about you if he wants.

Ugh, that's made my guts lurch. He's disgusting.

Please tell me these were things he said during the breakup conversation. Because there's no coming back from any of that shite.

I don't know what's on a Clare's Law file. Would a potentially false accusation be on there if he was arrested?
If yes then he actually has a point.
If that was the case then how do you decide whether you believe them or not?
If it was your son or brother that had been falsely accused would you be happy knowing that they can never get away from it.

Apologies if I am barking up the wrong tree.

Any individual who thinks their criminal record is the same as their GP record has serious mental issues. He's classic abuser anyway, pure DARVO.

Deny - I do think it's an invasion of privacy
Attack - I'll never trust you in that regards, That's a deal breaker for me,
Reverse Victim & Offender - I should be entitled to move on, false allegations as a continued form of abuse, l'll never be allowed to move forward

It sounds like you felt you needed to, and it would appear that your gut instinct was right - yes, it screams guilty.

You NEVER owe anyone any justification for doing what you can to keep yourself safe OP. Do not be manipulated into feeling or thinking that you have done something wrong, or overstepped the mark in any way. You haven't.

Don't hesitate to bin this one.

Run.

but also if you worry enough to do a CL application why would you tell him?

So he knows there is something to report, but he didn’t just immediately tell you his version of events. That wouldn’t mean you should believe his version, but it would at least buy some credibility to his claim that victims are not always accurate reporters.

in summary, he is waiving a giant red flag and you should end the relationship.

If Claire's Law disclosures save even one woman from a violent abuser, then yeah, I can accept that the odd "false allegation" causes a man some grief. Women don't always have to be the broken eggs 🤷🏻‍♀️

As arule of thumb, I take the view that if you've got to the point wher eyouo're considering a claire's law application, things are probably bad enough to leave anyway.

In this case, that is 100% true.

"I should be able to move on from horrible situations in my past" - no one performs a Claire's law application without some signs or hint that things aren't right. If he had genuinely moved on and changed poor behaviours, you wouldn't have done the application in the first place.

"I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.” -What he's saying here is that you qwill 100% be told something but he is claiming whatever you're told is actually false. I'm not 100% sure exactly what is eligbible but I believe it's linked to whether or not the police consider disclosing the information as relevant to the applicant's safety. So it's not just "she said x" but more like, "she said x happened, he said y happened, our view was that x happened even though charges were not laid."

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch." Complete bollocks. Anything in the application he would know aboutas he' dhave been questioned, arrested etc.
Also "makes me wretch" is melodramatic bullshit.

"Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. This is a thinly veiled threat - you are supposed to beg his forgivenness now, whie he uses this i as a stick to beat you with forever.

That's like me having full access to your gp records. Not even vaguelly similar.

Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.” Passive aggressive bullshit.

Run while you still can.

Run like fuck.

He’s simultaneously gaslighting, minimising and manipulating and you haven’t even got the result back.

It’s clear that he has made this all about him. He could have said ‘I’m sorry you felt the need to do a Claire’s Law request and I understand that women are vulnerable so it’s good these kind of safety nets exist’. Instead he chose to emotionally blackmail and gaslight you into thinking you had caused the end of the relationship. I agree with the other posts - you’ve hit a nerve here for a reason and I’d be relieved it is over. Are you going to find out what the CL’s request showed?

How on earth did this man 'find out' you'd made a Claire's Law application?!! It's confidential. By his reaction, then I'd say he's got something on his record, that is likely to be flagged up.

This. Dump and run.

Claire’s Law is very limited. All it tells you about is if he is likely to be a risk to you. It doesn’t tell you if he is good in bed or remembers to flush the toilet or if he is lying about having a degree from Cambridge. As a result it really isn’t a nosy into his past.

What was the result?!!!!!