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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Clare's law request

821 replies

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:19

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

OP posts:
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olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 19:51

@InkHeart2024 I had a real sinking feeling reading your post. Thank you. I am absolutely going in prepared that the most likely reality is that he has lied, but I have posted today to see if there is any small semblance of a chance that the disclosure could be confirming what he has said ie not a deal breaker for us. I will believe the police.

I am reading and re reading the replies and preparing myself.

OP posts:
bradfordisdamned · 11/01/2025 20:01

My ex told me his ex lied about him beating the shit out of her

The police told me he beat the shit out of her.

Please just get as far away from him as you can because they always LIE.

DorothyStorm · 11/01/2025 20:02

InkHeart2024 · 11/01/2025 19:40

I'm a social worker, and a big part of our job involves women's new partners who pose a risk to the children because of DV. We often support disclosures of police history and the women 90% of the time don't believe it because the man has already disclosed a heavily edited version to control the narrative before we or the police get a chance to tell them. They believe their new man's account until they themselves become victims, by which time it's too late to protect themselves.

This. Dont let him near your child(ren). Giving an edited version of the situation where they are misunderstood or the victim and the police are sexiest towards men (ha!) is common.

Dump. Him. Now.

SauvignonBlonk · 11/01/2025 20:08

Your post made my blood run cold OP.
Get away from him as fast as possible.
He's following the script. Run.

quizzywizzy1 · 11/01/2025 20:10

I did a CL request and they rang me with some harrowing things. Spanning 15 years, 6 women, including death threats, ABH, GBH and stalking. Luckily I'd left him a few weeks prior but I could do nothing but cry in shock. The fact they want to see you IN PERSON is alarming but this could be the way your county's police deal with CL requests. Please be careful OP and listen to them. CL was set up for a reason which is to protect women from dangerous men.

ARainyNightInSoho · 11/01/2025 20:12

smallsilvercloud · 11/01/2025 18:41

I've not done it but you could be anyone on the phone, perhaps that's the reason they see you in person.

What a strange thing to say. Do you live in the 1980s? Do you think you can just call a police station and ask for information about someone? There are very very few public services you can call now. Most places can’t afford to pay people to answer phones. Applying for a Claire’s law disclosure is almost certainly done with an online form, just like everything else.

Insidenumber09 · 11/01/2025 20:12

I’d totally trust your instinct - get out now if you can before he “gets to you” I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for a very long time…

save yourself you are worth far more xx

mia62 · 11/01/2025 20:18

No further action doesn't mean it isn't true or didn't happen. Domestic abuse is very difficult to prove/evidence as it most commonly happens within the home environment with no witnesses/CCTV or other "tangible" evidence.

Not all domestic abuse is physical either, but even in cases where there are injuries it can be difficult for charges to be made.

I work in this area OP. I've also a victim of domestic violence.

My ex husband held a knife to my throat in front of my daughter. He threatened to kill me. Police came and took him away at the time but there was no further action due to lack of evidence. I had no physical injury, he said in interview he didn't do it. It was essentially one word against another so it went no where.

That is just one example, there were many other occasions before this.

He's now with a woman who has two young children. I bet he's told her that false allegations were made against him. It's what they do. I know he's said I'm mentally unstable (I'm not. I work in a job that requires me to be very mentally stable). It's DARVO like PP said.

PP has got it spot on- he's trying to do the "nice, honest" guy thing by coming across as "upfront" about it. It's so when you are told, you've already got his story in your head where he is the victim, which will make it difficult to believe anything you are told and i you will discount it.

wizzywig · 11/01/2025 20:19

Yes. I work in a criminal justice agency and unfortunately never known a woman to end the relationship

Tinselinthewhoopsiebasket · 11/01/2025 20:23

Better safe than sorry. Ltb tonight. You don't need to give the real reason. Sorry it isn't working for me is enough. And still attend the police station to have it all confirmed...

wizzywig · 11/01/2025 20:27

I posted then scrolled up. Sickening to see my social work and dv agency colleagues saying similar to me. One that I particularly remember used to always have relationships and children with women who worked in prison/ police and had been victim to dv in past relationships. the next girlfriend would always assure me that they had their wits about them and had had professional training so they'd be ok. And without fail would send complaint after complaint about me. I think part of it was that the perpetrator was well educated, softly spoken, and had money. He wasn't a stereotypical thug. Awful man. One day a charge will stick.

WyrdyGrob · 11/01/2025 20:32

wizzywig · 11/01/2025 20:19

Yes. I work in a criminal justice agency and unfortunately never known a woman to end the relationship

That’s terrifying. And I can absolutely believe it too. These fuckers exploit their charm and ability to spin a convincing narrative so ruthlessly.

Keepitinandsmile · 11/01/2025 20:40

If the police say there were allegations but no charges (his version of the story), then still ask if they had evidence of it being true but the ex wife didn’t press charges. I don’t know if they will answer it or give details but I would ask that question based on my own experience.. I’ve called the police for incidents with my ex, he’s been arrested and spent the night in the police station but I (very stupidly!!) never pressed charges. My ex could tell the same story as your current partner and unless the right questions were asked to the police, my ex could give the same story of “allegations”. Keep safe and get as far away as possible at the first hint of anything.

Cryingatthegym · 11/01/2025 20:50

I’ve called the police for incidents with my ex, he’s been arrested and spent the night in the police station but I (very stupidly!!) never pressed charges. My ex could tell the same story as your current partner and unless the right questions were asked to the police, my ex could give the same story of “allegations”

Yes, same here. I imagine it's very common in DV situations. And clearly these men try to use that to their advantage.

They're not exactly going to admit that they've done something awful are they. Of course they'll deny and minimise and deflect.

DeepRoseFish · 11/01/2025 20:51

They always say that it was the other way round!

Vitriolinsanity · 11/01/2025 20:55

Leg it now.

Endofyear · 11/01/2025 20:57

OP do you live together? If not I would come down with the flu/covid/some other excuse not to see him until you have been to the appointment with the police next week. If you're at all worried or scared, is there someone who could come and stay with you for a few days or a friend/family member you can stay with?

MeganM3 · 11/01/2025 21:00

Are there children involved?
If so, you really must be the cleverest and strongest, most decisive version of yourself.

At the end of the day, being involved with this person is an unnecessary risk.

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 21:05

I feel a bit sick reading all these messages (I need this!). Can I just ask - would everyone have known from being told the story about the ex's allegations or is it the CL disclosure appointment that's made you all so sure he's a baddun? I'm curious whether it's the former and if it is how on earth I am so clueless.

OP posts:
Nollybolly6 · 11/01/2025 21:07

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 21:05

I feel a bit sick reading all these messages (I need this!). Can I just ask - would everyone have known from being told the story about the ex's allegations or is it the CL disclosure appointment that's made you all so sure he's a baddun? I'm curious whether it's the former and if it is how on earth I am so clueless.

It’s both things in conjunction. Being told your partners ex is crazy (red flag) and makes up stuff (often another red flag).

police wouldn’t want to see you in person to tell you everything is fine

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 21:10

Just to reassure everyone we do not live together. I have a child but they haven't been introduced. We are safe.

I'm just having a slow realisation that I'm being an idiot.

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 11/01/2025 21:13

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 21:10

Just to reassure everyone we do not live together. I have a child but they haven't been introduced. We are safe.

I'm just having a slow realisation that I'm being an idiot.

You're not remotely an idiot, you've made a CL application.

Many wouldn't have.

Cryingatthegym · 11/01/2025 21:15

You're not an idiot. You're a decent person who trusted him to be a decent person. We always want to believe the best in someone when starting a new relationship, that's why so many of us ignore so many red flags.

Myself and many others here are speaking with the benefit (if you can call it that) of experience and hindsight. And now you know some of the signs to look out for next time too.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/01/2025 21:16

OP if these allegations were unfounded and proven false then there would be nothing for them to disclose.

The fact you know there is a disclosure means there is something to disclose.

NoisyLilacExpert · 11/01/2025 21:16

I've had one done on my baby's father.

The police actually came to my home to do it (maybe because my baby was new born at the time)

They shared with me probably 8-10 assaults that he had made on people and only one of them was actually a woman (his ex) the rest were men. But technically still assaults I guess

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