Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

This exactly!
If my partner did something that scared me I would not hide it. I would want him to know, because he would never want to scare me and would make damn sure it never happened again. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that you don't trust to act to protect you when you show them that something has hurt you?

I think understanding oneself and one’s circumstances can help here - as well as a sense of self preservation.

I know when I was a younger single parent in my 40s I dated a couple of total weirdos looking back, that I would never have looked at before. I think both men had subtle - not so subtle - nasty undertones. Though as they were mixed in with other things it was a bit confusing. Eg. really admiring an intellectual female actress - but also mentioning an interest in porn.

However having been single for 7 years I craved some male company, affection, sex, validation as a woman, potential as a couple, and potentially a father figure for my child. I was also probably naive and hopeful, and fooled myself, even though I was in my 40s and not inexperienced in life. Plus I felt this was the last chance to have a possible decent, stable relationship with a man, the kind of everyone else seem to manage but I hadn’t!

But as a single mother in her 40s, the pool of available men, and especially the opportunity to meet them, was vanishingly small. So there was a certain internal pressure to compromise or take risks that I otherwise wouldn’t have. In my case the restrictions of being a single parent made it harder to have a ‘see what happens’ lighter approach. Also, strangers you meet on the Internet (I don’t know if the OP met this man on the Internet) have an opportunity to present themselves in a certain way. And it can take some maturity and wisdom to see through the facade if you have not come across men like this before. It was a learning experience and it does make me shudder to think that I even entertained these two creeps. But there you are.

The OP may be in different circumstances to me but is asking questions and hopefully this will protect her from getting into a relationship with any such man.

It's already too late for that. She had sex with him after being invited to the police station to hear the disclosure. God help her child with the messages this sends out. Hopefully social services find out and protect the child because OP certainly isn't going to.

Not all abuse is violent.

He was accessing and deleting his ex’s documents and taking photos of her friends. God knows what else he has done.

Sometimes manipulation and mental abuse is far worse than physical violence.

There are certain kinds of men who would never use physical abuse but will find plenty of other ways to put you down. It can be quite subtle. Even jokey, or sounding concerned eg a remark about my ‘mental issues’ (ironically I had none and he had a bucket full of them).

@olivietolivie how did he explain filming her friends, and deleting her files?

@Variegatedleaves he said none of it is true. The police couldn't tell me whether the allegations were considered false or not as the lady didn't know why they took no further action about any of allegations.

How convenient.

Well of course he said that none of it is true.

But he's already frightened you. You seem to be forgetting that.

But you do know that he used his weight to atop you leaving and made you uncomfortable when very vulnerable.

Honestly, i feel like ppl should stop responding to this op. Its frustrating, but at least shes into this shit show relationship with her eyes fully open, a luxury so many never had, and she chooses to be in it. its her child who i feel sorry for. the op has made her bed, now time for her to lie in it, prob with one eye open always wondering when the mask will fall off.

If the allegations were considered false the police wouldn't have made the disclosure at all. Please have a look at point 6 here;

"The police must satisfy several tests before a decision to disclose is made under the scheme – that the disclosure is necessary to protect the person from being the victim of a crime, that there is a pressing need for the disclosure, and that the interference with the perpetrator’s rights is necessary and proportionate for the prevention of crime."

The police believe you are at risk. Why are you finding it so hard to believe them? Is it because there hasn't been physical violence?

Hopefully this post may help others in future, as everyone has given such good advice and a lot of info in Clare's law.

Those of us who understand how Clare's law works now these won't be "false" allegations disclosed. So it's another big fat red flag that this bloke is telling OP otherwise. I'd think maybe ever so slightly differently if he actually admitted to what's happened, "the relationship went south, I did some bad things"... not that it would make it any better or any safer for OP to stay but the actual lying out it is just abuser 101.

But I think it's pointless trying to convince the OP any more as it was obvious from the first post that she intended to carry on with this man regardless.

He must have done what he is accused of otherwise they’d not be able to put it on record?

They must have proof that he took the photos for example.

We know that the number of false allegations of any kind of abuse is incredibly low. Convictions when women accuse men of abuse are also incredibly low and the risk and trauma they have put themselves through to get to court is in many cases a huge deterrent.

My ex has both mothers of his children having reported him to the police for DA, yet he categorically denies he is an abuser. It’s what these men do. If they wanted to change, they would do some self-reflection, take accountability and move forward to some serious therapeutic work.

But that’s not what they want. They just want power and control.

Police also have a duty to record crimes as accurately as possible- this is important for statistical purposes, forces are also inspected to make sure they are recording crimes correctly.

If there was any evidence these things did not occur or were a false allegation the crime report would be cancelled. False allegations are so rare.

Make of that what you will OP.

Have you told him you've been to the police station re this, op?

No? Why not?

I think this post and what @mia62 said is really important for you to think about OP.

I know it’s easier to close your eyes and pretend this isn’t happening.

But CL disclosures aren’t made without good evidence of fact - bad faith allegations won’t be passed on. And yet he’s denied everything. You really think he’s telling the truth? Really????

Couple these disclosures with the fact he’s used his body to stop you getting out of bed for 20 minutes and what conclusion do you draw?

This is not a good man - and bear in mind you’re in the honeymoon period right now. If he tried to prevent you getting up the first time you slept together, what other boundaries will he ignore as he becomes more familiar with you?

What I will say from experience op is that it takes. LOT for a woman to approach the police with allegations of abuse. And when we do, it's nigh impossible to prove as they don't do it in front of people do they? It's even harder to prove non physical types of abuse. I'd say where there's smoke there's fire and proceed with your eyes wide open. For me, I wouldn't want involved.

OP - I do think you're not recognising fully the police information. They can't just have taken a couple of malicious calls, accepted information as told, recorded it and decided to disclose it. To be so fully recorded it was thought worthy of disclosure there will have been a conversation about the alleged offences and some statements from the officer involved, if not the ex, though more than likely from her unless she refused when they turned up. Police don't like unnecessary paperwork and really don't like invented offences - the officer is very likely to have closed his notebook and gone if they thought there was nothing to it.
The disclosure is a biggie too, as described by PPs - they are breaching your guy's right to privacy and to be able to do so they have to be able to show there was good reason to prevent future harm. I'm sure quite a few people tell the person they've done Clare's law on (despite agreeing they won't), some of those may well query with the police why this has been done, so the police have got to be able to back it up - they're not just going to share spurious allegations 'cos she said so' without knowledge in the incident, or clearly seeing a worrying pattern in what they were told.
There are, though rarely, people who make things up like this, and get them recorded at least and that's dreadful and unfair, with sometimes undeserved consequences like Clare's law revelations, even maybe a conviction. Hopefully for these very few they get past it and find a way to earn someone's rightful trust in the future. Is your guy making an effort to show you how wrong his ex was, or is he being a bit of 'a lad' - ever so slightly pushy around sex, a bit pushy around you staying - showing really he will use his position of superior strength if he feels like it. He would say he didn't mean it, he didn't realise it perhaps - you'll get to know him over time I expect and the rights/wrongs of the allegations.
But for the child, and as SS would see it, it's about taking an unnecessary risk, probability is it's him at fault and that's enough. Probably if you left your child asleep to go to the shops nothing would happen - it's a risk I guess you don't take though but you choose to take this one.
It is hard when you think you met a nice guy, it's not impossible his ex made stuff up either but you do deserve a nice, straightforward relationship- not this.

You say that you haven't introduced your DD to this man. Yet.

Are you going to introduce them? If anything awful happens, social services won't be impressed if they discover you'd already had a CL disclosure.

You're playing with fire.

DV isn't only physical violence OP. It's also coercive control and financial. These people are very manipulative, of course none of it is true! It never is... it's to 'make him look bad', the exes are the crazy, stalkers... blah blah blah.

You are already defending him to strangers on the internet when he has had previous incidents reported to the police, has shown you snippets of his control already.

Can I ask if you have spoken to anyone in real life? I'd imagine not as you know what your friends or family might say. He has already started the manipulation on you, and you've fallen for it

Oh well, that's alright then.

Crack on with your relationship, OP, it's obvious you'll be making any excuse to justify staying with him, and are already downplaying his behaviour towards you.

Abusers target people whose self esteem is non existent, please try and remember that. He's already testing your boundaries and you're showing him you have none.

Women with healthy levels of self esteem would have dumped this guy the moment they saw the disclosures.

I actually almost couldn't read this... it's so chilling. "I'm not taking a huge risk" - you actually sound like you've lost your mind. When something happens and you get stuck in this relationship, which it will (whether it's due to emotional or physical abuse, or both) your child will never forgive you for putting yourself (and inevitably them) through this when you knew from the start he was not a good person... but buried your head in the sand because you're seemingly desperate, manipulated and deluded.

I do not wish to be blunt but from the outside it looks like you’ve been single for a long time (You stated this) so you’ve desperately attached to the first man who’s shown you any interest. I’d be asking myself - Do I even like him or do I like the attention he gives me?

You had barely started dating him when this all started and you were set on ending it. You aren’t stupid - You know this is a bad idea deep down but you are foolish to continue.

Him telling you what you heard from the disclosure does not make things OK. I bet now you’re thinking ‘He trusts me! He is open with me!’ Keeping the relationship separate could be his way of ensuring nobody else knows and starts talking about what they know about his past.

Don't see these things as security.