Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Oh @pikkumyy77 you are of course completely right. He is a dangerous and abusive man. He is laughably awful! I have just driven up and down the motorway laughing to myself about how fucking awful he is!

Today we have had
”what should I do when you’re nasty to me?”

me: “but I haven’t been nasty. What do you mean?”

DP: “yes you have. You’ve been nasty. What should I do then if silent treatment is seen as abuse?”

me: “I’ll answer that when you tell me what I’m supposed to have done. What’s the point of me answering that question if you won’t say what nasty thing I’ve done”

DP: “no you need to answer my question!”

me: “ok well you should say that thing you’ve just done has upset me and I need some space for a bit”

DP: “that’s not what you do!”

Me: “ok maybe not”

DP: “you get upset and send me messages about what I’ve done and storm off. That’s abuse that is!”

me: “ok, yeah, I do do that. So now can you answer my question?”

DP: “you didn’t answer my question!”

me: “I did. You asked what you should do when I’m mean to you. I answered that”

DP: “that’s not what I asked!!! I asked what YOU do when I’m nasty to you!”

me: “no, you asked what YOU SHOULD do. And I answered that!”

Dp: “you’re just splitting hairs!”

me: “I’m not! You said I hadn’t answered your question and I’m saying yes I had. That was the question and I answered it.”

DP: “I asked what you do!” (he didn’t)

me: “ok well you told me what I do in that circumstance and I agreed with you. So whichever way you worded your question, it has been answered yes? So now will you answer my question and tell me what it isn’t am supposed to have done that’s nasty please?”

DP: “ no. I shouldn’t have to provide evidence!”

me: “I’m not asking for evidence. I’m just asking what I’ve done!! You keep saying I need to own my behaviour but you won’t tell me what it is!”

DP: “I will not enter into a conversation where you demand evidence from me. I’m going out! Basically you abuse me all the time but you think you’re so perfect. You need to win and point score. And I won’t have it!!!”

So yeah, this type of word salad is a very typical exchange with my abusive man. He is beyond awful, isn’t he? And I need to fucking leave him!

@BustyLaRoux I actually agree that he is been abusive and that you’re been drawn into his game.

The whole thing is hurting you. Even now that you feel you’ve taken a step back to protect yourself.

@BustyLaRoux I don't know what to suggest, but sending hugs snd whatever else you need 🫂 It is hard to leave, almost impossible in this economic climate, so can see how difficult that would be. We are here xx

@BustyLaRoux that sounds so hard. I totally understand the financial situation. No matter what anyone says, it makes the thought of leaving so much more difficult.

your DP sounds exactly like mine though. That’s the kind of argument we would have. It’s like they don’t want a resolution.

I agree with @SpecialMangeTout it’s not necessarily the autism that’s causing it, but some behavioural issues - possibly as a reaction to it. My ex is a narcissist and definitely autistic. The narcissistic personality is probably a reaction to the autism. Doesn’t make any of it better though.

have you ever spoke to your kids about a move somewhere cheaper? What would they think? They might surprise you

I am out with my family. He is messaging me about how his behaviour isn’t abusive. No more abusive than mine. I should be accountable etc.

I have zero fucks left.

I’m gonna do it this time!!!

Im sending buckets of courage so you can take the right decision for you @BustyLaRoux!!

You deserve much better than that.

@BustyLaRoux i have been in a v similar situation with my EXH, and i stayed longer because of my previous trauma. I normalised or minimised or compromised etc, and in doing so wasn’t fully aware of how eroded I was becoming. We only have one life. Don’t sacrifice yourself to this. When I was preparing to leave I said to my therapist I felt like I was stepping off a cliff. He said, what if you are taking first steps out of the ravine… Good luck. We are all here for you xxx

Tomorrow I phone estate agents and start making some appointments….

Brilliant Busty, you can do this!

Cripes. Just did a benefits calculator thjng. I’m entitled to much less than I thought. I don’t think I can afford this…..I’m gutted.

Oh, hold on.
Be fit calculators are great things but they can also be wrong. I know, I’ve done many checks on them and have had different results many times.

Id go to see CAB and get some info there from people who are used to it.

Really? When I did one about six months ago it said I was entitled to 1300 which was great. Now it’s coming out as just under 900. I know it sounds like a lot but the rentals are 1700 round here so it’s all a bit terrifying!

That’s coming from the fact you need to put the info exactly right otherwise it gives weird answers.
That's also why you’re getting two different answers. As far as I know there’s been no change in how much benefits people get.

You can do this @BustyLaRoux ! Hopefully, the benefit calculator is wrong, and you can get the 1300. Get those ducks lined up!

Appointments to see three houses booked for tonight. Have spoken to the kids. I said I’d just been staying in this house with him because I wanted them to be settled and happy and that they needed to be honest about what they want. I can stay or we can get our own place. There are down sides to both. Obviously we will be skint and their rooms will be smaller and we can’t stay in this very nice area. Moving is always hard at the best of times. The downside is DP’s son is here more and more. He takes over the house. All the shared space is pretty much out of use for us and I feel like we are gradually shrinking and being dominated by the DP/son dynamic. We are less. His needs trump all of ours. DP has this sense of autonomy which must be catered to, as does his son. But when does autonomy become entitlement?? And aren’t we all just a bit fed up of it. Son has been spending more and more time at ours. He often just refuses to go back to his mum’s. I’m sure the increased amount of time he is with us and taking over the house has contributed to the stress I am under and perhaps the not very kind words I mutter about him and the resentment me and my DC feel. I wondered aloud to my DC whether there may well come a time in a couple of years when he decides he wants to live with dad full time. DP would LOVE THAT!!!! His own little fan club at his side day and night. And it would be a huuuuge up yours to his ex. DC and I tried to imagine what it would be like living in a house which DP had paid for and which his son lived in all the time. I think we know it will be awful. We weighed it all up. My DD looked a bit tearful and said she was scared. I said lots of reassuring things about things often being scary but you should still do them and they always they work out fine. We looked at houses and they said they didn’t have strong feelings either way but had a slight preference for us living on our own. They will be glad to get away from DP and his son. Not that they hate them. They just don’t enjoy living with them.

The latest argument about the bathroom…. DP says he has been completely focused on his son’s quite bad acne and hasn’t given a thought to how him spending copious amounts of time in the bathroom might affect everyone else. And that’s just it really. Sums up exactly how he thinks. Son’s needs trump everyone else. I am sorry his acne is so bad. It looks very painful. But I am not sure spending 20 mins under scalding water is helping. It is also stopping other people using the bathroom. And probably costs a fortune. I said all that to DP and all he did was (a) take issue with the word scalding and got fixated on whether the water was “scalding” or not 😳 (b) say well his acne is so bad I haven’t really thought about anyone else and (c) shout at me that he pays the bill. So missing the point entirely.

He doesn’t know I have made appointments for viewings. He said he thinks we need a “talk”. Which is a bit scary as he never says that.

The funny thing is that I would happily see him and spend time in his company if I didn’t have to live with him. I enjoy his company. I have no feelings of animosity towards him. Perhaps there is a way of leaving this very stifling situation but staying in a relationship of sorts. So I am both independent and no longer oppressed by him and his son, but able to enjoy a nice walk together or a Sunday lunch. Even a weekend away. But firmly I live with my DC and have my own space (tidy, free of meat smells, no deafening TV, bathroom available for use!) and I don’t have to spend time with his son anymore. Who, although a child, is quite the most bombastic and entitled insufferable individual. I love his DD and would very happily have her over to stay or take her out for the afternoon. She is best friends with my DD so I hope we can all be friends.

I also think that leaving him and my lovely home all at once seems a lot right now. If I say I’m just moving into my own space and I am then free to decide what I want once I have mental and physical space. It all feels more manageable.

This week is going to be tough…..

Oh good luck, Busty!!

Good luck with the viewings @BustyLaRoux it's great that you and your DC were able to sit down and talk it through and hopefully this helps you with moving forward. If you are able to remain friendly and on good terms that would be great. Sending lots of luck for later!

Good luck @BustyLaRoux 🤞🏻🍀🏠

Good luck @BustyLaRoux
Sending plenty of good luck that the viewings today will go well. 🤞🤞🤞

I think it’s also really positive that you felt ok to talk to your dcs about it all.

Good luck @BustyLaRoux

Good luck @BustyLaRoux

Sending love and strength @BustyLaRoux

So we did the three viewings. I LOVED the first house. The second one was fine. The kids loved the last one! I was very torn. I really wanted to give them the house they liked best as I am doing this for them. But I just didn’t like it that much. The third bedroom was tiny. The kitchen and bathroom were OK but not that nice. I wouldn’t be able to have my tumble dryer. Just practically and style wise it had nothing on the first house. We sat in the local pub and talked and kids have agreed we can put in an offer on the first house. It’s a little bit further from their friends but I’ve promised lots of lifts! I am going to put in an offer before 9am today and hope to god they accept it.

All the while DP was sending me messages about how he would go out so I could talk to the kids (he doesn’t know anything yet but I suspect he has guessed). I said it’s fine, it’s not necessary, we have come out so you can stay home. Reply telling me how it doesn’t feel fine etc. Again I replied no need to leave on our account. I got home and he started getting ready to go out. I reiterated that we were very happy for him to stay, we could even watch some TV together, etc. But no, he said he needed to go and has felt this way all weekend and has been out all weekend on and off. I’m not sure if the implication is that I needed the space and he was trying to be considerate or if HE needed the space….

Anyway I suspect all this is a highly calculated move. He will use the recent experience of going out for “space” and decide this is factually true all the time. As if he does something 2 or 3 times then he will say he ALWAYS does it. So I think he is pre empting me saying me and my DC are having to shrink in our own home to accommodate him/his son. The shared spaces are pretty much out of bounds to us and we have to shut ourselves away in my son’s room. He is now going to counter attack and say “well I have also go out ALL THE TIME”. It will be a ridiculous show of martyrdom as a response to the criticism he will not want to hear.

I don’t really care. I don’t need him to agree. I don’t think I have been hiding my contempt for his son that well. And he thinks his son can do no wrong. He’s so very focused on everything being perfect for son. He has asked for a “talk” today. I wonder if he is going to suggest I move out.

I want to do this as peacefully as possible. So remain friends. I don’t want to fight him. I’ve seen how he fights with his ex and he doesn’t really have a grip on what’s real and what he thinks is real. He will argue points as fact but cannot provide any detail. It just is, as far as he is concerned. He gets quite animated when pressed for detail but can’t back up anything he says. The same as when we argued the other day: he said I’d upset him and that I had mocked his son but couldn’t provide any detail (I had zero clue what he wasn’t about!) and got annoyed when I asked, saying he shouldn’t have to provide evidence and I should trust what he says as correct without the need to question it. (He doesn’t do detail and gets defensive when asked). He is not someone you’d want to enter into a disagreement with as he has a very tenuous relationship with the truth.

I am excited but also gutted. This isn’t the life I dreamt of. I will be skint. I will be living alone for the first time since I was 20. There is sooo much to do. My dream of renovating a big house (this has been my dream since I was a child!) is lying in tatters. I will never own a house. I will never get to decorate again. I am gutted.

I will miss someone to talk to and laugh with. I will miss a big man to cuddle me. I will miss him a lot. I will look back on our years together with fondness and I am sad we couldn’t make it work. Fucking hell did I try hard though.

I am doing this for my sanity and for my kids. Today will be hard….

Oh Busty, it's hard to walk away from the good bits but it sounds like they are getting fewer and the fact that you can describe his playbook step for step and know how he's going to make it your fault makes it even clearer that you a need an environment free of the mental hurdles he throws at you.
You may yet get a house to renovate and look amazing, don't cancel your dreams because of what's happening. You don't need a man to make you the person you are and this one has been working hard, whether intentionally or not, at making you less. You can do this and your kids have made it clear they're with you as are all of us.