Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Just sending a 🫂 @Daftasabroom it sounds tough x

@Daftasabroom When you say 'The decisions and discussions we have to have over the coming months are too consequential' really struck a chord with me.
I'm sitting outside silently weeping. Even though its cold, I can't be inside as I can't breathe. Yesterday the kids went back to school, so just dh and I in the house since mid December. I didn't realise at the time but I think I had an anxiety attack in the shower. I still have this heaviness in my chest and honestly feel I'm not getting enough air.
I feel so trapped, I feel like I'm suffocating. I know I need to start a discussion* *with dh but I'm scared, because once things are said you can't unsay them.

🫂🍷💐for you @Daftasabroom. You have a lot of us at your back here.

I’ve just had a long emotional phone call from a relative telling me that her mother, who I am very close to, is going to die in the next week or so of multi organ failure.
I tearfully told H, his reply “oh that’s a shame.”

Hello new thread!

Can someone explain the link between Autism creating co-dependant relationships as my brain isn’t working. I read it on a thread but wasn’t sure how they are linked?

I can’t answer for anyone else but it seems clear from everyone’s account of their relationship here that in order for the NT person to stay in the relationship they have to be able to take a subordinate “helping” or caring role or their partner suffers/melts down/becomes dysregulated. This could be understood merely as caring/support but it becomes understood as codependent (within the meaning of the term) because the teo individuals are enmeshed and each believes they are needed by the other, victimized by the other, rescuing the other. A normal, flexible, egalitarian relationship is not possible. Instead everything is ratcheed up and the relationship lurches from crisis to crisis or one or both parties resentfully suppresses what they feel are their real needs in order to maintain the relationship.

Are you feeling any better now? Anxiety attacks are scary! There is no rush to do anything. Whatever you need to do can be done at your own pace if and when you feel ready. That may be days or weeks or even months. There is no pressure to do anything right now! Focus on finding a distraction from the anxiety if you’re still feeling panic. Xx

I was really struck reading this. It could be written by me. I'm also an only child and very independent, and sometimes I find our household runs best when I basically behave as if I'm a single mum. Which is such a weird thing to write.

I'm new to this thread after a big confrontation over Xmas when DH just retreated into himself and I nearly had a breakdown over the amount I was juggling and without any recognition or thanks. I was considering leaving the marriage - but I was finally heard, I think, as things have massively improved over the last 10 days.

Being ND is huge, but it's not an excuse. Too often it has felt like an excuse to not treat me with love or respect.

I had a meeting with the school yesterday about the challenges of my daughter. It really does hit home the enormity of the challenges that ND people have. The amount of scaffolding that she will potentially need and she is high functioning. They don’t really know the level at which she masks, or anyone as it is an unconscious effort. It’s makes me wonder personally how I’ve lived to age 40 with no support whatsoever. Only help is looking at others and trying to copy but getting overwhelmed and anxious still. I don’t know what I’m trying to say butI think that being ND is a massive thing really. One that can’t be adapted easily or one that can’t be managed by simply asking the other person.

In an ideal world wouldn’t it be good to sit like at the school meeting and having a chat about what scaffolding we can place around our partners to support them. (If we still love them) and they admit that perhaps they have a ND in the first place.

Sorry for the late response @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore, I’ve been dealing with the stress of going back to work after the Christmas hols 😂

You say things have been better since you have detached (same here for me and dw btw) I wonder whether that’s because you are giving him more space - you are the source of his anxiety - and therefore he feels better now that you have backed off a bit, in turn that’s helped the whole family dynamic

I’ve done exactly the same. Backed off and disengaged (completely). Therefore no pressure or expectation, giving DH freedom to focus 💯 on work and his cycling. He is much happier!

I think i need to completely disengage too. I just stress myself out. My expectations of what dh is capable of needs to go to zero.
I think I had an anxiety attack the other morning. Dh asked why I was sitting outside, as it's cold. I said ' I feel like i can't breathe in the house, maybe feeling a little anxious '
Dh: 'I can open a window, or turn down the heating, if you feel too warm'
I can feel emotionally AND physically.
Dh can only feel physically.

My stress levels have definitely gone down as I have zero expectations. Zero.

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda Sad that to be able to live with our life partners we have to emotionally switch off 😪 😞 😢

Surely that’s a classic ASD response, under the heading of ‘taking every word at its literal meaning’

You say ‘I feel like I can’t breathe in the house’. The nuance of your language completely passes him by. He thinks to himself ‘why do you feel you can’t breathe?’ The answer: Because you must be too warm. Therefore he offers to open a window or turn down the heating.

Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s the way I would read that

So sad. But, my nervous system is a lot calmer and my anxiety has disappeared. My focus now is to get strong and think about next steps.

@Apex3 I absolutely agree. It doesn't make it any less sad for me knowing that even after nearly 30 years together we are so far apart though. 💔

Exact same here. When I relieved myself of the burden of having to try to be married to someone (what a horrible thing to say) I very quickly became a much happier person. Lots of wonderful things happen in the world (and lots of shit too, but let’s focus on the positives!) - like a weight is lifted. As I write this dw is out with the kids. Tomorrow she’s away and I’m with the kids. Sunday morning I’m out with eldest. And it goes on… But we’re a happier unit because it seems to work better that way.

I’ve been watching Gavin and Stacey this evening, how nice it would be to have a relationship like Mick and Pamelaaaaaar’s 😊

Sorry to hear this @Daftasabroom 😞

I can’t offer any advice but am mentally sending you strength 💪

Hope you’re doing OK

A comment made by my partners mother really has me thinking lately. She has never really taken to me and has always much preferred the other siblings partners over me. I used to be a terrible people pleaser, I think this contributed to my last relationship that was really very toxic and abusive. I have come to learn this is co-dependancy. Me giving in order to get my needs met and him taking and taking because he was a narcissist. My partners mum and the other partners of the siblings are all much like the mum, very homely and all put the needs of their partners first, don’t work.

I mentioned thinking about my dream before getting into my abusive marriage and how I seemed to forget about this and my dream became whatever his dreams were and his needs. I’m thinking about doing the PHD, I finished my masters right before meeting ex. Talked about how I could integrate my experiences and turn the memories into something more. Any way I was basically met with “why”.

Its got me thinking about how we as women mostly are conditioned into being dependents, the enablers for other people’s dreams. How I forgot about my dreams, my values and my needs. I love my partner but again I’ve become lost in being his support. His mum is actively praising this and seeks this for her boys. She discourages my independence and the fact I don’t want to dote on him. He isn’t too bad actually and he does support me when I talk about it. But my god it’s so easy to just let your needs slip by.

Powerful and important post, @Rainbow03

following

Honestly I’m in a place at the moment I do not like. I’m not particularly good at being a wife and a mum. I mean I do it well it just doesn’t feel like my calling in life, it’s something I’ve gone into because it’s what you do. I think I’ve got to age 40 and it’s like I’ve been asleep and just waking up. I have a SIL who is great at being a wife and mum, happy to give up everything and everyone puts her on a pedestal, she’s the ideal wife. I pale in comparison and I’ve lost what makes me me along the way. It’s not a nice place. And now I’ve put myself in a relationship where being good wife is prioritised again. I get called selfish because this not what I want. Why is what I want not equal (even laughable and nonsense) to what he wants?

@Rainbow03 i hear you and I recognise myself a lot on your last two posts.
I don’t know how to move forward either.
Mainly because having lost who I am, I’m not sure to find that again
But I’m very much into the A ‘Fuck that game if soldier’ mode and I’ve dropped many tools of the ‘good wife’ handbook.

Why is what I want not equal (even laughable and nonsense) to what he wants?

What you want is equally important to what you want.
But I think we’ve been conditioned to accept that men’s wants are more important. And your dh ASD will make that even more prominent. Not because ASD makes men sexist (quite the opposite I think) but because his needs, due to ASD, allow for little compromise.
So everything is pushed onto you.

In my first marriage I became the perfect little wife who tended to my abusive H's needs, which cost me my health, both mentally and physically. It was awful, even if I was to take his abusive behaviors out if it. No idea how it happened as I thought I was raised in a much more equal society (Sweden) where men were expected to take their share of housework etc. Maybe the mandatory paternal leave forces them to take more responsibility?

Anyway, DH is more equal in many ways and when we first met I was presented with a very capable man who knew how to cook, looked after his house well and appeared to not be looking for a housemaid type of wife. Somehow we've still slipped down a slope of of inequality but this time it's more that DH became unable to function the same when faced with first losing his mum, then his brother 18 months later and then sadly his dad passed away too. I took over a lot of the housework, general life stuff that needed doing for several years, all whilst also parenting an SN child. I felt I had to carry it all as he was too stricken by grief to function (beyond work), and there was no one to support me. I totally lost myself, and it's taken a good while to start the process of resurfacing from the depths I had found myself in.

It was only now after asking for a separation last summer that we're beginning to find a more equal way of living. I get more respite, am rediscovering some activities that I used to enjoy.

It takes time but we need to allow ourselves to ensure our needs are met too 🫂

I also felt I had to help manage DH and his grumpy ways which I really resented.