Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
__
This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
__
It's complicated and it's emotional.
__
The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Cheers @Daftasabroom you’re a 🌟

F! Because I know if I don’t mark it I won’t be able to find it. Thanks for posting it!

Thanks @Daftasabroom

@Daftasabroom when was the first thread made? It feels like it has been going on for ages.
I know I was there much earlier on agd then stepped back (different name) but can’t even remember when it was 😂

I wasn’t there in the beginning. Can’t remember how I found you now. Very glad I did! Thank you @Daftasabroom and everyone else for keeping me going through some dark times. Do you think we’ll still be here in 10 years time maybe on thread 55?

Thank you for the new thread @Daftasabroom 😊

A new thread for a fresh New Year!

Interesting conversation towards end of last thread, can relate so much to many aspects of what is being discussed.

Interestingly, since I've detached myself, have had more respite, many conversations with H and feeling a lot less oppressed, things here are actually much better. DH is really trying to connect with DD, meaning she's happier, he's taking is share more in many ways and he has looked after me when I've been ill over the festive period (mostly, he's not had a complete miraculous change!) Typically had another tooth infection followed by a reaction to the antibiotics!

DH (yes, right now he's back to DH, not just H) is clearly trying to help himself with his MH, he's bought and actually read two books by Dr Alex George (who has ADHD, was on Love Island which I wouldn't know as never watched!) on mental health and is also listening to podcasts about ADHD (Paul Whitehouse and his Wife who is ADHD). Except for the slamming of the Christmas tree box, which I posted about as it upset me, he's containing his frustrations and is off on daily walks and doing yoga and Wim Hoff Breathing. DD's bed is still covered with all her soft toys and he dud apologise for his 'joke' and has marr an effort to show her that he understands how precious they all are.

He just seems to have mellowed a lot, time will tell but for now I'm enjoying everyone being a bit more relaxed here and I am focusing on me, my hobbies, heath and wellbeing. We'll see about DH, it seems positive and it's giving me space to feel freer somehow.

Thanks @Daftasabroom

@BustyLaRoux totally agree with you that it’s the human connection we need. I miss that the most by far. I also miss a hug. But sex, pah, take it or leave it, I’m 48, I prefer a good pair of slippers 🤣

In answer to your questions, yes I am fairly fit, yes I do have some sociable evening activities and also I’m an only child, I’ve always been very good on my own, which has prepared me well for this married but single life ☺️

I should add that I'm also acknowledging my own part in our relationship breakdown, with me having detached myself as a result of his unpredictable moods I become very spiky.
For years I've been almost unable to be physical with DH(for good reasons to be fair) due to this detachment, but some of this is linked, probably, to my past trauma also maybe RSD and me not understanding the importance of communicating this to him. Instead I became stand offish and constantly annoyed at him and his ways.

A lot of his behaviours are down to the inability to regulate but also for not dealing with the grief of loosing both parents and his younger brother within the space of a few years. Then not coping with having an ASD child, periods of EBSA meaning I can't work, leaving him as the sole breadwinner. I know some of his behaviours have been unacceptable but I am beginning to look at what lies beneath it all.

🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️ Just checking in.

Wow!!! This is so positive! I’m really pleased for you. It sounds a world away from how hopeless and oppressed you were feeling a while back. Long may it last, whatever you decide to do xx

@Apex3 You made me spit my wine out with your slippers comment!

I’m glad you have some social time and keep yourself fit and healthy. It does make a difference, I’m sure. But I hear you. Human touch (be it physical or metaphorical) is a basic human need. And it is very sad not to be able to get that from one’s partner. I feel like you’ve worked hard to find some inner peace and are doing all the right things to make this life as good as it can be. For now. But I’m sure your time will come. You’re only 48! Sometimes I wonder where I’ll be when I’m 68 and retiring. And in some ways it doesn’t feel that far away. And then I remind myself of what I was doing when I was 28. I was a different person. I knew nothing. I had no idea what life had in store for me. 20 years is a really long time basically. Who knows where you’ll be. When I feel a bit glum I give my head a wobble, think back 20 years and shout to myself “you’re not done yet!!!” 🤪

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I’ve had the same experience re detaching.
I think it’s because dh doesn’t feel the pressure as much so is more relaxed - aka I was creating some of his anxiety.
Or maybe it’s more my expectations as NT just weren’t compatible with his ND brain.
So it’s me who has adapted, with a cost to myself (as far as I’m concerned we dint have a marriage. We are cohabiting, living parallel lifes in the same house).
But it’s calmer, quieter, and a much nicer way to live.

So happy for you @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore 💐

I really related to some of those videos you posted @Apex3. In particular about how (according to the patterns he sees in his coaching) when stressed out NTs seek connection and ASDs seek disconnection/solitude. This means in mixed neurotype pairings that the ASD person is likely more able to disconnect than the NT person to connect.

Thank you @Daftasabroom. This really is a lifeline for us all.

Yes, that’s what happened with my relationship. I posted a few threads ago that I light the fire in the living room, dw will typically be in the front room (which is cold) I say to her ‘why don’t you come in here, I’m just watching YouTube with my EarPods you can can sit by the fire and watch tv or whatever you want’. She’d say ‘no thanks I’m fine in here’. I couldn’t work it out. I mean do you hate me or what? Is it that bad that you can’t even be in the same room as me? The more I learnt about Asperger’s the more I realised it’s because she needs her own space and, as that video suggested, I have become the biggest source of anxiety for her with my general laughing and joking and facial expressions - all of which I now understand she struggles to compute. If she’s sat on her own at least she doesn’t have to deal with that. Now I’ve understood this I’m fine with it (well it’s far from ideal but ykwim). Mentally removing myself from the relationship has been a game changer for me in the last few years. And how much have these threads helped too! Just chatting to people is extremely therapeutic 🙏

Don't write yourself off at 48! @Apex3 slippers are great but as I began to detach I sort of wanted more than slippers again (might be peri hormones too as am 45). Tricky when we'd sort of stopped that sort of activity but am considering exploring that aide of things again, we shall see.

It's hard when the needs for connection versus the need for solitude doesn't match, in some ways I probably rejected my DH for a few years by not wanting to connect as much as he needed to/wanted to. When DD was younger we'd watch something on TV together (finding a program we both enjoyed) once she was in bed so had that bit of connection but that sort of went out the windows the last couple of years. I often found I was touched out/peopled out by caring for a very demanding ASD/PDA child with no energy legt for DH. He says he's felt very lonely for a long time but is no longer blaming me and is accepting that life has been challenging for both of us and that it's affected us in different ways.

We do need some connections as humans though, even my reclusive autistic DF seeks out my DM for company despite them being divorced for many years.

It's finding a balance and maybe agreeing to meet in the middle sometime, so finding something you might both enjoy and take some time to sit together. Or seek connection elsewhere and find fulfilling hobbies and friendships?

We have a really rough time coming up. DW only has one emotion. I've just had stuff thrown at me.

Thrown at you? Oh Daft, that’s horrible. Do you want to talk about what happened? (No worries if not) xx 🫂

@BustyLaRoux far too outing I'm afraid.

It's a weird kind of macro masking, predictive behaviour thing. DW has a thing for making totally unrealistic assumptions or guesses about how events are going to pan out, not normally with significant consequences.

Tonight I had "if we don't know what's going to happen we have to guess" screamed at me. The consequences of getting it wrong are pretty dire so for once I had to face her down. Pick your battles right? Then I had whatever was to hand thrown at me.

Obviously DWs need to be able to predict the future is vital, even if that means making things up. She experiences the world in a completely unique way, a pretty surreal way much of the time. i always know something has gone wrong when she starts a sentence with "I assumed......"

Most of the time it's no big deal, but once in a while the "guess" is s so clearly badly judged, and any attempt at subtlety would be lost, but a straightforward "no" ends in a meltdown.

It's a pity it tends to happen when things really matter and have serious consequences.

That just sounds like layers of difficulty @Daftasabroom. It's just shit and unacceptable that she has thrown stuff at you. I hope you weren't hit. I do think that's abusive even if coming from a place of overwhelm.

Do you think your W needs to predict to control due to anxiety?

Sorry to hear you were at the receiving end of a melt down @Daftasabroom No wise words, just acknowledgement & sympathy 😮‍💨

That's not acceptable.

Well @Daftasabroom i think you give a very good explanation of why this happens and for me, it always helps to make sense of a behaviour. I will often examine an “episode”
and ask myself why this happened. (Perhaps to learn what could go differently if faced with a similar situation in future??)

What will you do? Because we all know having things thrown at you is abusive behaviour and however DW felt at the time and wherever the behaviour has originated, that is unacceptable. Will you let it slide? Or will you explain to DW that this is out of order and you expect her to make this up to you somehow. (As I say to my DC, and I often feel like I’m dealing with a man who has the emotional development of one of my DC, “I don’t need you to apologise. I need you to understand the effect of your behaviour on me and I need to know it won’t happen again”).

Also, sending love and strength, as always. We completely understand how hard this journey is and how upsetting these horrible episodes can be. I really hope you’re OK. 🫂 xx

Morning all, thank you for your replies. I don't think either of us slept last night.

@SleepDeprivedElf yes, 100% overwhelm.

It was only pens, stationary and notepads etc, which don't throw very well and just went everywhere. But that's beside the point.

@BustyLaRoux I'll have to let slide, the decisions and discussions we need to have over the coming months are too consequential. It was probably way back on thread 7 or 8 that I posted how DW misinterprets the world, that her internal translator doesn't work properly. Now is absolutely not the time for us to be making decisions based on wild guesses.

I hear you, @Daftasabroom . DP often likes to predict things too. Although not from a place of anxiety, usually it’s more “look how knowledgeable I am!” and he is way off the mark. Thankfully nothing major comes of his wild predictions at the moment. But yeah it’s odd how someone who risk assesses as part of their job can get things so wrong! Misinterpretation of the world. God yes!

I’m sorry you have a rough time ahead and don’t have a supportive partner to help you through it. You are wise to choose your battles. Stay strong. Xx