Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

I told DP my theory about his extreme reaction to feeling disappointment with himself. He said he doesn’t react like that when other people are disappointed in him or he’s let other people down. Only me. Then tried to say there are “other factors”. Which is his way of victim blaming ME for HIS abusive behaviour. Because he doesn’t do that with other people ergo it just somehow be my fault.

I replied “ok, you carry on with your victim blaming narrative. I’ll be over here packing….”

Up yours DP!

@BustyLaRoux it sounds like emotional deregulation. Everyone does things wrong and takes the piss and puts themselves first every now and again. Most people just put head in hands, say sorry, buy flowers etc and
reconnect. It’s not the event that’s caused him to react it’s your voice and your tone and your energy. It’s got his energy raised and got his defences activated and he is in fight mode. This morning I was brushing dd hair and she got deregulated and threw the brush at the wall. No point in my saying anything in the moment as it would make it worse. I will talk to her later about how that makes people around her feel when she throws things.

I was on the other end of a deregulated adult for a long time and it had terrible effects on me. Fighting back only made it worse so leaving was all that was left. It’s sad they can be so loving and amazing until boom they triggered. Does he understand your point of view later on when he isn’t in fight mode and you talk calmly? Or does he just feel entitled to make mistakes, upset someone and not apologise?

How are you now, Knot? Is your nerve pain easing?

I wonder if he has a mother wound and when you blame him etc you become his mum in his eyes which is why only you trigger this. I’ve heard that people often recreate there mum relationships etc in their intimate ones.

Busty, this is helpful to read.
There are parallels here.

I’ve been up since 6, went for a run, did some stretching, sorted the laundry, dropped son at his work, all done and logged into work by 08:20.

“D”H (can we have “bloody confusing” h? BCF?) came to the office to find me, wished me a good day, kissed me, patted me on the shoulder (??) and said goodbye.

Im thinking that doing my own thing is good. We are supposed to be away this weekend on a romantic getaway. But the conversation never happened so nothing was booked and so I crossed it out on the cleaner but said nothing as it had all been said before. I think he’s feeling guilty about that, the weekend was supposed to be an apology for previous neglectful behaviour.

I’ve arranged to meet friends tomorrow instead. Day drinking will happen.

Not massively yet but I’m hopeful. Thank you for asking, that does help

Not really. He says “sorry for shouting” but then tries to say it’s on me too with vague statements about me needing to own my own behaviour….

He shouted at me to fuck off in front of my teenage son, but later said he was sorry and all but didn’t know my son was standing there (another lie: he was standing right there in full view in front of him. No possible way he didn’t see him).

He says it’s “unhelpful” of me to paint the narrative that he lives in the pub! (So the issue isn’t his behaviour. His previous partner also cited this as major concern, but it’s the partner mentioning it that’s the problem! 😫🙄)

He stormed out the house and “was forced to” spend the rest of his evening in the pub. He didn’t want to go!!! It was MY fault he had to go to the pub as my reaction had made him need to leave the house.🤣

It’s laughable that a grown man could come up with this bullshit. As I say, it’s like dealing with an emotionally immature teenager who can’t accept any wrongdoing. Everything has to be someone else’s fault. But because he can accept wrongdoing in other areas of his life, it must be something about me that causes his reaction…. Although from what I can gather, he also did this in his previous relationship so not sure how he squares that with himself. Has probably invented a narrative where he was the calm one.

The victim blaming is so ridiculous I am actually laughing.

Interesting!! His parents died when he was in his early twenties. Both of them. About 3 months apart. Him and his siblings stand them on a pedestal. Which is understandable. But difficult to know what they were really like and what the relationship was like. I imagine they can’t really remember with any accuracy and have rose tinted glasses.

Sounds wonderful. Protect your inner child from his hurtful behaviour any way you can. Emotional detachment, making independent life… all excellent. One day, if you can manage it, you can leave physically as well as mentally. Xx

Anyway, sorry, I will shut up about him. We all know he’s an abusive twat. I do have to shake my head in dismay. It’s helpful other people see him. It validates me. But I’m wasting valuable space here, because we are on page 39 already!! Where is @daft?

Time to let some new posters benefit from this wonderful place….

Autism or not if we tell ourselves enough times of something we start to believe it. When you’ve reached a certain age without early intervention, being unable to accept something for whatever reason you become a little superior as no one has and can challenge otherwise. When there is only one unchallenged voice there’s only one ever answer, you are right. When we challenge now we just become the issue because the answer has been decided long long ago in their programming, they are never the problem. I think unsupported people who’ve grown without understanding are stuck as we all are with things I guess.

Hope your trapped nerve eases soon @WhyKnotNow it's horrible being in pain and somehow even worse when it's not acknowledged by your OH.

So much of this conversation around blame and projection rings true with H here too. It's always someone else's fault that H is grumpy/strssed/abusive. Little accountability is taken.

I think I mentioned before but I feel close to burnout, partially due to DD being out of school etc, but also as I've felt so trapped here with H. Absolutely exhausted from ruminating over whether or not I can make it work then finally realising I can't. I just can't. I don't have to. DM being here is magnifying things further.

@WhyKnotNow I had somehow missed your post about the back pain.
Ive had that before and it’s awful 😢

I’m sending you good vibes your way and hoping it will settle down soon
🫂🫂🫂

I replied “ok, you carry on with your victim blaming narrative. I’ll be over here packing….”

Now that was an excellent answer @BustyLaRoux
And I have to say, I’d say No from now on.

I believe it’s the only way the ego can survive so it’s built this behaviour of deflecting. It’s all subconscious because as children they were probably drowning in blame and criticism. When external is killing you and you a small helpless child all you can do is build internal defences. It is quite sad but it is what it is and it’s not our job to fix this person.

Yes, internal defences sounds about right actually. I don't think he is aware of his own behaviour and the effects on me and DD, as I've said before. Need to remind myself it's not my job to fix.

I actually feel that there isn't enough of me right now and I'm going to have to do some serious looking after myself before I drown. Maybe the tooth operation has left me with this exhaustion, I don't know. But it feels crushing, and despite my DM being here to help, it isn't quite working so well, DD wants me all the time, H doesn't understand and it's just me in the middle.

There is a saying that one person can’t fix another person but you can ruin your life trying. We back them up, we scaffold them, we adapt and change ourselves until we are exhausted and no longer of use to anyone. Only that person can change themselves and to do this they need self awareness, they need therapy, they need to actually acknowledge that there are behaviours that they have developed that are hurting others. That takes bravery and lots and lots of pain, most people don’t want to do this. We haven’t failed because we cant take it anymore. We now need therapy and to go through lots of pain and often we do this alone, they aren’t there to scaffold us. There is no soft landing for us and that makes me very resentful of my ex. But I did all that, I tried to fix him, I gave him all my energy until I got sick.

I hope you have the good drugs. I had sciatica a couple of years ago and it was brutal. Hope it eases and someone brings you a cuppa

I’ve not quite given up trying to understand this confusing man I thought I’d commit my life to.

I thought this was interesting from Dr Ramani. Autism or narc (or both?)

That was actually quite an interesting video and has actually helped in my thinking about the differences. I believe I’ve had one of each of these partners. My ex was a narc and my current is ASD. My first needed relationships, he only exists within them. He pits himself off of being the hero or the victim or the rescuer or whatever role he can play to keep this charade going and give him purpose. He can’t be alone as he simply doesn’t exist when not in a role. My current partner doesn’t need relationships, he doesn’t play a role, he doesn’t need any emotional connection or supply from me. I’m not sure why he wants a relationship other than someone to meet sexual needs, someone to play with etc. He doesn’t cause any emotional reaction in me apart from how I react to not having emotional support. But he doesn’t manipulate this he just doesn’t need this type of relationship.

Thank you @Rainbow03 yes, I've nearly made myself sick too.

Oh I love Dr Ramani, I look forward to watching this when I get a chance!

Tramadol, Naproxen and wine

That sounds ideal, Knot.

Hope you get some sleep tonight