No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@Ilovemeggy38 ’no helpful advice for the OP’- that’s your assumption

You are mistaken, much of the advice - even if I reject it, has been very useful, but I thank you for your concern.
There are also posters who privately message me because this thread has been useful to them - they understandably do not wish to make their private hurt a public spectacle possibly for fear of judgement.
I have found this thread to be very helpful to me - the observations, the advice and the humour have kept me going at the most difficult time in my life

You are, as anyone else is on this thread, welcome to your opinions but please do not have a pop at people such as @Emptyspiral - whose post gave me a well needed boost this weekend.

Assumptions are being made about H because his behaviour is irrational, self serving and at times cruel.Hence the attempt to guess his mindset or rather his lack of mindset.

@Ilovemeggy38

Of course no one can guess the Op's husband's mindset

which is why the Op was BLINDSIDED in the first thread and has continued with the same feeling into her 2nd thread.

as she had no idea, no idea at all that this was going to happen to her !

and do you know what, maybe some of the comments / thoughts / ideas / suggestions are ridiculous in your opinion

but sometimes a laugh helps, if the Op smiled at the photo of the budgie plates then that is so worth it, it is better than being upset all day every day...

for all we know the Op could be sobbing into her pillow every single night, all ' we ' can do is try and be there for her and if ' we ' manage to get her to smile or laugh or think about Renaldo or whoever the hunk is and take her mind off the awful time she is going through then so be it !

Absolutely love. I have been there, I know all the horrendous feelings you are going through.
If I had had some of these messages, I'm saying to you I don't think they are helpful to me, they might have made me feel better in the short term but long term absolutely not.
We all have our path to follow, just be of mind it's yours not other people's agenda and agency.
There is so much projection here, I see it and and had it myself x
I'm absolutely with you but so wary of how this thread is going x

You could not be more wrong if you tried.
I have been OP.
Twenty years together and he cheated.
I've never been the OW😂
I'm posting from my perspective of the cheated on.
It's fucking horrendous but it's not always one sided,it usually isn't.
The bloody ridiculous advice and sheer projection is crazy, even I can see this and that is why I spoke up, it's not helpful to a betrayed spouse in the long term x

Can I just say to the people on here who are having a go at me for coming at it from a different perspective.
I have absolutely been there worn the fucking t shirt, I have been OP
I cried, worried, was bloody inconsable.I actually had to get NHS metal health teams involved because his betrayal was too much at my time in life.
What helped was clear thinking, no muddying the waters and absolutely getting myself into a non toxic space where I could think about myself first.
Then came the children, mine were younger at the time so I had to think about them. The first thing my mental health support worker said was do not aliante them, they deserve to have both parents love without your animosity.
This has stuck with me always, whether we got back together or not, our children deserve both parents, and I absolutely wanted to slag him off, but I didn't, I punched a pillow, I screamed at the world.
My children have a great Dad now, he has been fabulous. He wasn't the best husband but that's our problem to sort.
We got there ite end but please do not come between your children and their Dad, your relationship is different x

In February you hated him and wished you had the skills to leave.

Don't get angry with people supporting ginger in the decision she chose to make. It's OK to not make the same choices you did. It doesn't mean yours was wrong for you.

It does mean though that this thread isn't about you and the feelings you have shoved down and what you need to tell yourself now about your choice and your marriage and how you truly feel about your husband.

I'm not going to have a go at you.

Everyone heals in their own way, your way, you tell us, helped you. That's fabulous. It is not the same for everyone though and while your input is different and may be useful to some, you are insisting on pushing your solution and telling everyone else they are wrong and you are the only person with the correct solution.

You've said your piece in spades, if the OP or anyone here wished to take that into account then they already have. You don't need anyone here to validate your solution, it works for you and that is all that matters.

It is kind of you to offer your perspective, it is most cruel to continue to push it onto everyone and derailing the thread repeatedly and for what, you gain nothing from doing so. You've been heard but you cannot make people do what you want, that not only hurts others but it is unhealthy for you as well.

I hear what you have said but " insisting on pushing yourself and telling everyone you are wrong" is absolutely not what I have posted, do you want to read my posts again?

I have read your posts, they do read that way.

Absolutely not, there is no way I posted OP should do anything, if absolutely it was do not!
I suggested she should do absolutely her own agency and not the thoughts on here!!

Thank you for clarifying the intentions of your posts.

@Ilovemeggy38 every time I see your name on this thread my heart drops because you derail it with your opinion every time. You just repeat what you said before and have a go at anyone who disagrees with you. It's tedious.

We're all entitled to our own opinions. But remember, opinions are like dicks, they're fine until you start ramming them down people's throats.

I agree. Really bloody annoying.

On a different note. I was playing golf yesterday and one of the girls was telling me about her lovely friend that I also have played with.
She is 62 and divorced 7 years.
Usual story, he was confused, needed time, was having a fling, gave her the run a round and then it all came out.
She was very hurt as they were together 30 years.
His family whom she had liked but was not super duper close to, were very breazy that these things happen and that life goes on.
She was very hurt by that and her MIL led the charge with this.
It was like she was erased from the family, so hurtful.

They sold their lovely home and she bought a cute terraced house not 5 minutes walk from MIL, but hasn't seen her in several years although her two sons do see her ex husbands family.

She retired from a nice job in pharmaceutical sales, having trained as a nurse.

Anyway her MIL has apparently some eye condition that requires drops in her eyes twice a day and low and behold she gets a call from ex SIL ....first contact in years asking her to commit to giving her the drops as she happens to live so close and it would help "the family out".

She was very pleasant but said that absolutely wouldn't suit her at all, they weren't her family, but wished her the best in working it all out.

Apparently SIL was shocked as surely they were still all family?
She replied I haven't heard from any of you for years, YOU stopped being family.
She said she hadn't a notion of being recruited by stealth, to caring duties, after how she had been faded out over the past years.

Bottom line the drops will be a pain in the ass for them to now organise between them going forward, and they really thought.... oh great Gilly can do that for us as she is now retired and close by.
Not going to happen.

I hear it over and over again, you really never know who your friends/ family are until lifes adversity like illness, marital breakdown, job loss etc comes to your door.

Honestly, I would invest in your girl friends first, ahead of inlaws from the stories I have heard over the years, they are usually a better bet.
History goes out the window in an instant when some marriages break down.

@Gingerloaf - just here to support you, with nothing useful to add. I am prompted to write now as when you said: "With time and distance I am able to see what he is doing- and not once has he said sorry!", I thought that was possibly the lowest blow of all and I would still be raging about that, if nothing else, if I were you.
I hope you continue to bear up gracefully under the strain and I wish you and your family a very Happy Christmas and a much better 2025!

I'm also still here supporting you!

I can’t say I have any sympathy for the Ex MiL and family.

My DiL came to me in tears that my son was texting some female. She didn’t think it was a meeting up affair in person.
I spoke to him. I don’t believe in interfering under normal circumstances…I just had escaped my cheating, abusive husband. They had helped me enormously and knew what I had been through. So I pointed out to him, he was in danger of being ‘Fred’ and he knew what an arse he had thought Fred was. He was already on medication for depression. So I asked him to consider whether his depression was skewing his behaviour and perceptions. He said the DiL wasn’t the woman he’d married. They had had an awful traumatic time the previous 3 years. Probably why he had depression. I asked him to consider the effect the joint trauma had on her , and how coping with his depression could be affecting her behaviour and that maybe if the pills worked, he’d look back and regret not working at the marriage. Then I left. Apparently he stopped texting this female.

A year later almost to the day, he told me he was leaving. I told him, I knew. I had worked that out a couple of months before…the signs were there. He asked to move in with me. I said OK.
2 years on, he is house hunting. My DiL was told right at the start, 3 years ago, she had my support. She visits me, I visit her. She drops off the child …young man almost, now, and /or the dog, stays for meals and knows she is family always. She has a key to my house and I have one to hers.
My son is giving her the house she is in as she wanted to stay there. Her dog is here , has been for the past week. While she works long shifts. I’ll always help her if she needs it. She’s been family for over 12 years and I still see her brother, mother and other family too. I went to her Dad’s funeral. We stay intertwined in our lives and unless she wants to withdraw, she can pop by any time. I had a painting done by a local artist of her son aged 3 and the 2 dogs at that time for her birthday.
I know she was hoping for reconciliation. She can have spiteful moments, but she is hurting at the break up. That time away didn’t make the heart fonder.
Son is still sans gf though he does chat with a female 400 miles away now. I cannot understand the mindset of family just cutting off the other spouse, especially as the mother of the grandchildren , but also as a human being. Everyone is traumatised by marital breakups. There’s a ripple effect but it can be minimised.

@DearDenimEagle

Lovely story. My aunt is still close to her DIL after many decades. Her son moved back in with her and never left. She can cope with his black dog phases. She sees her grandchildren, now great grandchildren. She's in her 80s now. It works for them.

Yes you do. A lot.

I am still super close to my Aunt (mum’s ex SIL). My uncle was the cliche. She practically raised me, but disappeared from our family to retain dignity when it all went to shit with their marriage. (Can’t say I blame her, tbh - Large, disfunctional, Catholic family full of enmeshment and gossip - she got lucky getting out.) Anyhow, I invited her to my engagement and not him and his Budgie. (About a decade later) When I told her why - my loyalty lay with her. I had never even known the guy, really - she braved “THE AUNTIES” (my mum was one of four sisters) and discovered that they also thought he’d been an utter dick all along and had missed her too. (We were not often in agreement about much but good work, Aunties!!!) 25 years later she and I are still super close, and I’m so grateful she came.

This thread will soon be finished

@Littys - your timely wisdom is your superpower x
@Jaichangecentfoisdenom - no apology in fact they believe they are star crossed lovers that no one understands - so far they blame me for being crazy and irrational. It’s beyond weird but tells me just how unaware and lacking in social graces they truly are.
@YorkshireTeaDance - hello I hope all is well with you
@Fraaahnces - the irony of family is that I helped his sister get over her brutal dumping many years ago - had her at our house every weekend, took her away for weekends and did what I could ….but blood is thicker than water these days!

and finally @Ilovemeggy38 - I know my own mind and if you read the posts you would know I have politely turned down the advice that didn’t fit. What I have valued is the insight and humorous posts of so many. I genuinely believe I am in a better place emotionally because of the love and support that has been on here.

@Gingerloaf My family’s an absolute farce… Inhave proved the old saying wrong… You absolutely CAN pick family. There are so many I have totally End Gamed from my life for my own benefit and for the sake of my kids. It’s been amazing. The ones I am in touch with now are people with whom I am genuinely connected in a positive way. (It’s a very small list, but they’re lovely.)

@Gingerloaf I hope you'll start another thread if/when you feel ready or indeed even want to. I've been on awe of your strength throughout this farce. I know that ultimately you will be ok ❤️💐

@TheFormidableMrsC - you are very kind my H sent a ‘sweet’ email 2 days ago. My reply was short, business like and outwitted him on his main tactic which was to have access to the house to help himself to what he wants.
Within minutes of sending my reply he had a minor explosion on an email - a friend said he is like this because I am not letting him win. Another friend said - he’s not very nice and showing his true colours
This thread has helped me vent, ponder and learn from the wisdom of others - I do feel
stronger and I do now ‘see’ what his actual intentions are when he speaks and when he contacts. He’s possibly done this all our married life - it’s not good for the soul to ponder that too much
But people like you are the ones who have given me the strength to do this. It’s so true that the people Who show up in your darkest hours are the ones to trust and value.
It must be hell on Earth at budgie mansions tonight

@Gingerloaf which was to have access to the house to help himself to what he wants. for him to do that, you would have to be in the same room as him to make sure he does not take what you want! sounds more like something which mrs budgie does not have but what he wants!