No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@andisaid - H has not worn it for years and actually had a second one ( different metal) that he also changed his mind on
The rings are different golds to mine - DS can have it if he wants it and get a few quid for it
The imagery isn’t heavy - H doesn’t like it, won’t miss it and if DS can use the money so be it.
My rings - which were fab are with my DD - that was always stipulated in my will that she would get them. She and I said we would decide what we would do with them at a later date.
On the above I was encouraged by my solicitor to remove anything of value from the house in case H took it as leverage. At the time I did not believe the solicitor as time has passed ( and with the contributions of MN) I now know anything is possible.

My view is that H walked away from the family and all that meant. I packed up most of his stuff and he complained that OW had a small house. He also commented that he had a lot of ‘stuff’ - he has been here and has been offered his personal belongings and he has refused to collect anymore stuff. I do t even speculate why - so now I have time on my hands to sort through our shared history and I think the DC and I get first dibs. If DS doesn’t want it I will rethink it - but I have no interest in merging his discarded gold band with my rings ( they are quite a set including eternity ring) I feel it would tarnish the meaning of my rings. What DD does with them remains to be seen

I do thank you for the suggestion and would have old jewellery reset to take the old in to the new - but this ring does not represent anything good for me

Thank you @WearyAuldWumman

@Gingerloaf My ex left his wedding ring on his bedside table. Such a cliche. I took it, and my 3 rings (including the eternity ring he bought me for birthing our son, what a joke), and sold them to a lovely lady jeweller who had been through similar I think because she gave me a large amount of cash that I know I wouldn't have got otherwise. With it, I bought a ring from Pandora for myself to wear on my middle finger and the rest of the money was spent on treating my kids (a shopping trip for my young teen and cars to line up for my autistic toddler). I had a lot of people say melt them down but why the feck would I do that? They felt like poison so they had to go.

My ex left his wedding and engagement ring too. I took them along with my rings to a jeweller friend who melted them down into a hexagonal bracelet with diamond from ring set into it. Bit old fashioned looking now.

I wonder if he has wanted so many rings because he has cheated before @Gingerloaf

@TheFormidableMrsC

I kinda like the imagery of a 'middle finger (fuck you) ring' after a divorce. Good for you!

Edited to say; Maybe a jewelry chain could start a line of 'middle finger rings for the discerning divorceé'. Tagline "Give us your middle finger before you give it to him".

Well done Gingerbread - it does sound like you are more philosophical about it all.
I'm aware of the wrath I'll raise here, but I have been the OW and have been in a relationship where the man I really loved 'bounced' between the OW and me. Both were excruciating.

I think it is true that being the OW that when reality kicks in it really does take the shine off everything, obviously. Also, there's this realisation that if he's cheated on her, then there's an increased chance he'll cheat on you and it's unnerving. It DOES do damage. Being the OW gave me an insight in how to respond when it happened to me (I know, KARMA). For some OW, I honestly believe that it's not about the man, the relationship, the 'love' or anything else - it is about 'winning'. It is about proving their own self-worth through being the one he 'picked'. I've watched that happen and eventually they've picked holes in him so much that he's wanted to come back but of course by then it's too late. The damage is done. Stuff Relate and the books; it takes a whole heap of things and many years and the relationship is irrevocably changed.

When I allowed a 'returner' I spent a very long time monitoring his words, actions and motives and it really impacted upon my MH. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Once they've left, my advice would be as desperate as you feel perhaps let them go - but each person has to do what feels right for them. I allowed the return and it went to shit and the OW situation was no small part in that. I didn't like him any more. I had underlying anger ALL of the time - passive aggressive. I 'punished' him though didn't realise I was doing that. I just thought I was pissed about what happened.

I don't know WTH I would do had I been with someone for as ling as you had, Gingerbread. I think that you've been very dignified and I know I wouldn't have been!

@Spooky2000 - thank you for
your insight
i totally believe she thinks she has won - although I kicked him out he went to her, they holiday together, she met me ( when I had no idea who she was) she parades him around town, she has written his emails ( syntax and grammar were totally off) she crowed about him to others ( who then realised he was married to me) - she gets validation from a younger man driving her ( daily) to the care home to see her parent and to the graveyard ( not daily) to mourn dead husband
She has influenced his interaction with his kids - and me. She has been described by someone who has known her 30 years as ‘fucking boring’ and not worldly wise - but a spoilt princess ( I witnessed him walk her to her car, open the door etc - never did that for me ever) who is used to getting her own way. The person who knows her ( not as a friend but as someone who say has monthly contact) said she reckons he is under pressure from OW - to satisfy her princess ideals
I was the breadwinner- the strong one etc

He is weak - he made a choice and at the moment they both behave as if they have done no wrong. The fact that the DC are no longer hearing from him and that friends have declined to meet her still doesn’t seem to register
In the meantime I am trying to move on - they both call me crazy and irrational to anyone who will listen

Thank you for mentioning your OW status - takes guts but this thread is about real life experience and your contribution is valid and helpful

I think you are right about choices. I accept that you can't help falling out of love with someone. But how you handle that is a choice. You can choose to be honest and sensitive. Or you can choose to be dishonest and selfish. And if you are the sort of person to choose the latter I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would be stupid enough to go into a relationship with you.
How are your inlaws taking this? I would be utterly mortified if my children treated their partners this way.

The fact that the DC are no longer hearing from him and that friends have declined to meet her still doesn’t seem to register

@Gingerloaf it may well have registered but he's given up so much that any acknowledgement of what he's lost may be impossible for him, because it would mean he was wrong.

He surely knows full well what his children think of him and that must sting. So must people turning their back on him. So much the loss of illusion that he's a 'nice person', because we all want to think that but deep down he absolutely must know.

He can't show any signs of acknowledging what he's done. He daren't. He knows he was wrong and he knows there's no way back.

He's chosen the role of Driving Miss Daisy for himself and he has to fulfil it.

Driving Miss Daisy 😁😁

I found it astonishing when my DILs father buggered off trading down that he cut his children off completely as did his mother. She was a Scottish lady who never wasted threepence. When she died last year, he bought himself a brand new Porsche at 68 years of age. His second wife didn't get a new car.

@Gingerloaf - I was thinking the LinkedIn spying is maybe related to your financials, if those are not yet sorted?

He was looking for a reminder of exactly where you worked and when so he could check any pension details you supply, maybe?

@LivelyMintViper - his DF did the same to his DM when H was a child
He has witnessed the devastation and the hardships that ensued. It was very telling that when this blew up he said he had made peace with what his DF did ( amazing considering the man was an arse who died alone) but of course when we do something monumentally stupid we reframe out thoughts and let other arses off the hook
His DM is an avoidant personality- never makes a fuss and actually said to me ‘ there is nothing anyone can do’ I watched both of his siblings offer platitudes but then fall in with the ‘everyone makes choices in life’
Blood is clearly thicker than water on this front

When I spoke to my DS I did say - if you ever did this I would not turn a blind eye despite loving you with all my heart

As I was told in the beginning of this sorry saga - people will surprise you, things you thought were impossible will be possible
You really have no idea until in it - and yes every morning when I wake up I have to remember that I am alone and that I was betrayed

Surprise surprise an email this morning all sweetness and light - apparently reasonable and enquiring how I am . The counselling has helped me to see that things all BS and manipulative - he’s clearly pushing for a quick sale to get his money. With time and distance I am able to see what he is doing- and not once has he said sorry!

May I ask what age you are ? or is that going to be too outing.
I am guessing you are old enough to have taken any private pensions you had paid into, and so had he ? but young enough not to be eligible for the state pension yet ?

I am saddened for you when you say you are going to have to return to work, but that could explain the looking at the website as he wants to know if you have updated your profile / started looking for work.

Can we start calling the OW Driving Miss Deirdre?

Yes, my solicitor recently told me that due to sky high housing costs where I live, newly widowed and divorced women who own properties etc, practically require 24 hour body guards to keep financial predators at bay. Very ugly behaviour, but increasingly common unfortunately.

"When I spoke to my DS I did say - if you ever did this I would not turn a blind eye despite loving you with all my heart"

Sorry, I've been getting your name wrong, @Gingerloaf :(

Funny you should say that; my son cheated on his GF of 5 years and when she asked me, I sensitively told her that she was right. It hurt me to tell her and it hurt to have to acknowledge that my son behaved like a shitbag, (which was VERY disappointing, given that he's grown up in an all woman household!), but I couldn't let her think that she was imagining it, or undermine her by her belief (and his input!!) that she was paranoid. It was heartbreaking, but validating for her - she knew then that she wasn't going 'mad'. I know some would say don't interfere, but she was a lovely lass and didn't deserve the cruelty he was putting her through. I had already spoken with my DS and told him that if I was asked I wouldn't lie to her and how sad and disappointed I was that he'd done this to her. I still feel disappointed and it's 15 years later that he could do that to her.

"When I spoke to my DS I did say - if you ever did this I would not turn a blind eye despite loving you with all my heart"

I hear you and agree 100% @Gingerloaf . I can't imagine either of my boys doing what your H did, but I would certainly not just 'stand by' if they did.

I can't tell you how much it meant to my DS when his stbx-in laws took his side and read their DD the riot act and said "You made your bed etc etc". They didn't cut contact with her, but they told her she was 'on her own'; no moving 'back home', no storing her stuff at their house, no help in moving, and no help with 'finances'.

They kept in contact with DS for a time, but he finally had to say that it was not helping him to move forward and he (respectfully) asked them not to contact him. It was hard all round, but he had to do what he needed to do.

As far as your H and Ms Budgie parading around like they each won the lotto, they don't realize that what they've won is the 'booby prize'. A definite case of 'be careful what you wish for, you may get it'. You, on the other hand, will move forwards, upwards, and onwards. Like the song says "Your future's so bright, you gotta wear shades".

I'm wondering if they last, which one of them will end up being the 'carer' for the other? Karma can be a bitch.

I trust you will take your time (like several days..) before answering?

This is no laughing matter for Ginger, but her DH’s life is starting to resemble a weird tragi-comedy. Ricky Gervais would write a great script. Driving her to see the elderly parent at a care home. Driving her to see her deceased husband’s grave. Honestly, he will be dead of boredom soon. I bet they do nothing on holiday either.
What on earth do they talk about? I can see why she would want a companion as she sounds a sliver away from needing a carer herself.
Driving Miss Deirdre…

• drinks really weak Earl Grey tea with too much milk in
• calls the toilet the ‘smallest room’
• buys things from those catalogues with aids for the elderly
• wears an underskirt she bought in British Homes Stores when they last sold them/before they shut down
• wears a Triumph Doreen bra
• has a tinny laugh
• has a good root perm for added lift
• only watches repeats of Poirot and Inspector Morse
• would love to think if she met Gloria Hunniford in real life they would become fast friends

No, I think it's Driving Mrs Budgie.

And I'm somehow wrong for pointing out the sheer fucking projection in this thread 😂
Unbelievable

@Ilovemeggy38

I really don't know why you return to this thread.

Are you a bitter OW ? did your affair partner return to his wife or something.

There is a saying - if you can't say something nice, say nothing.

I suggest to you that if you can't say something supportive to the Op that you go and find another thread to comment on, and trust me there are plenty of other threads...

You maybe a couples therapist.
You were not mine so please do not entertain any advice about my relationship thank you.
I have posted about the ridiculous way this thread has been going, nobody can guess OPs husband's mindset.
I was calling out all the ridiculous assumptions about him and also feeding into a narrative that isn't in the long way helpful to OP.
I'm not I any way invested, I worked through my own relationship a while ago. What I see on this is projection, ridiculous assumptions and no helpful advice for the OP.

I have been the wife.
I have never been the OW.
I have lived my husband being with the OW
I did do the pick me dance, I know all about that. I realised it wasn't healthy and stopped.
What I did do was disengage completely, stopped wondering about him and what he was doing, started to put my focus on me.
Then I began to heal, I worked on me , my wants my needs.
Yes we eventually got back together but my fucking God if I was still focused on him and his needs , I would never have got to the lovely place I am.
I cannot understand why, gently advising OP to take the fucking attention away from both of them isn't good advice. It absolutely worked for me.