No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

OP, the moment I stopped giving any mind, any moment to what was happening with them was my freedom.
It helped me to work on myself, my wants and my needs. It's freeing.

I can confirm that this stuff is the very devil to get out of carpets. Thankfully, the stuff that we were sent was only star shaped.

This thread seems to have upset you a lot so I am wondering why you keep insisting on reading and posting. You can unwatch or even hide the thread if it gets on your nerves

The OP is a sensible level headed woman, yet even people who know the score, need to vent. It's not even been a handful of month yet and you want her to be moving on right away.

The OP is not you and you are not her. Let her vent, she will move on when she is ready but she has found her anger, it must play out naturally and it is a fairly safe space to say the things she might not be able to say face to face to friends.

As a joke I once cut up a handful of tinsel and hid it in a book I sent to a friend overseas.

I didn't realise the sheer amount of static electricity that builds up on air travel and when he opened his present, he told me it rose up like something alive and practically danced onto his knee and then onto the rug where it lost the static and collapsed all over the rug.

Over 12 months later he was still clearing up that "purple shit" that was still all over the place.

He was a good friends so I felt a little bid bad for finding it so damn funny. I can still see his face in my minds eye now.

:D In our case, it was in a birthday card sent to my husband some years back. I swear that I occasionally still find a wee glittery star wedged between the edge of the carpet and the skirting.

😆😆😆😆😆

I love it, it's a nice reminder of an act of love via prank

Spoiler Alert for @Ilovemeggy38😁

I am a couples therapist and I think that@Gingerloaf is handling this marvelously. She is disentangling herself from the man she thought she knew and the life they had and making her own way in the world. This takes time and much reflection and retrospection to get to a new place. It is normal for her to wonder about her H as she works her way through almost 40 years of history. She is processing her grief in stages and finding out the person she is now and growing. I wish half my clients had her strength and willingness to face their issues head on with the same grace and sense of self worth she has shown.

To me it appears that you are trying to rationalize staying with a cheater by pretending he chose you rather than own up to the fact that you played the pick me dance and are furious with yourself that you did not have the courage to leave him. Your take is skewed and misguided.

We once got confetti shooters for New Year's Eve. Ten years later we still find pieces of gold confetti all over the house and even on the lawn. The funny thing is we completely remodeled the whole house and got new furniture and still that confetti haunts us. 🤣🤣🤣

:D Oh, its a b*gger to get out, definitely!

@Ilovemeggy38 it's clear that you have a large number of issues that you don't want to face, but your contributions to this thread are unhelpful and verging on obnoxious, as well as showing problems with comprehension.

It's very clear that Budgiefucker isn't 'moving on' and is doing everything he can to keep contact with Gingernut, and in a hectoring, malicious, troublemaking way.

And after 30 years it's too much to expect any loving woman to simply discard all the woof-threads that were woven into the shape of her life. Her entire life has been upended by someone that she comprehensively trusted and loved, and he's turned into a malicious shit who also devastated the children.

Just concentrate on yourself and leave Gingernut alone.

Being serious about the budgies for a minute, I actually think it's really obscene to keep birds in a cage. I love nature and wildlife and think in this day and age anyone who chooses to keep a bird in a confined space is selfishly cruel.

I can see part of Ilovemeggy's point about how gingerloaf should focus on herself more and I did make a similar point a few weeks back.

I think that gingerloaf should vent when needed.

However, I cannot see the point of posters further encouraging her to spend even more time imagining what her asshole of a husband is doing every moment with the OW. Even with a humourous spin, it's still a painful way to spend your time.

It's not even helpful pain, like physiotherapy.

It's just stupid pain, like repeatedly picking off a scab, letting in bacteria and ensuring that when the final scar forms, to put an end to the whole injury, it is ugly, misshapen and larger than it needed to be.

😂 You're not wrong, but Gingernut 😂

@Emptyspiral - thank you for your kind words

@CinnamonJellyBeans - iI know I am thinking of him less on a daily basis. I post for various reasons but also for those out there to see that when they leave for the greener grass - it’s not like in the films, sometimes the emotional garbage we have to deal with is ongoing ( from the H who thought he had found better) IRL my firends help by laughing at the appropriate points as on here and it helps. I notice that moments of sadness and jealousy are less frequent and I recognise that sometimes I have to sit in the pain for a short time and then I can count my blessings. At Xmas it will be 21 weeks since 39 years of my life went up in smoke through the thoughtless actions of a weak man. I am told it’s 2 months for every year of marriage to recover from this - I am hoping that’s not true but equally not pushing it.

I do spend more time thinking of the future - where I will live, what job I will
do ( because I will have to but he won’t!) how my relationship with me, my DC and my friends will help that
I am grateful for this post and friends IRL - my DC get strength from those people being supportive
At the end of the day - I was clueless about affairs, genuinely had no idea he was at the prime age for an affair and blindly trusted that our relationship was for life and that one day one of us would be on our own ( we used to talk about that) - whether the signs indicate he is not happy or he is in fact just an arch manipulator- there is no way back. No happy ever after. No apology. No closure.
For anyone else out there - their experience won’t be the same but I hope they know that it’s not like the films. It’s messy and sometimes cruel.

There is no understanding of something that I would never in a million years have done to him - this was his choice and it was made without respect, thought or kindness. The fact he is now in no contact with his DC is utterly unbelievable but I think a reflection of the pressure he is under with a Princess woman who gets what she wants in life and never had children however the fact remains that
He is weak and morally bankrupt-

I’ve been reading your threads from the start, at least your posts and the ones you’ve been responding too and that last post really resonated. I’ve been counting my blessings all along for the fact that I appreciate my marriage and family and know that I would never, ever throw it away like your ex has done. No marriage is perfect but losing everything for a fling is madness. Your ex is going to spend a lot of his life in bitter regret. You on the other hand have a whole new world open to you.

This is pretty much what I said, although you are far more eloquent. I agree with every word. The poster is adding nothing to the thread at all.

Christ on a bike. How about you leave @Gingerloaf alone to work her way through this life changing event in the way she wants to with the support she needs. You are not helping.

I've refrained from commenting, since the last time I engaged with this poster [not @TheFormidableMrsC ], they responded with abusive comments which did no one any good. I have my thoughts as to what's going on here, but Mumsnet rules don't allow me to state them.

In the most general terms, these days when I see someone who is possibly not posting in good faith I merely report - particularly when the person concerned has a history of making contradictory posts.

In the words of Forrest Gump...And that's all I'm gong to say about that.

Thank you for your kind messages - I have been clearing out a few things and found his wedding ring. He never liked wearing it, mainly because he did DIY etc and will give to DS when he arrives next week. It may give him a few bin as they say.
Also a tie pin H loved - back in the 80s so again it will be gifted !!!
I asked the DC to nominate what they want from the house - and it’s interesting to see what they ask for ( simple everyday stuff)
All of this is to ensure that the DC get their memories and gifts. H may have shat on the family but we I tend to go forward into a new chapter together

@WearyAuldWumman You're right, I've been here long enough to know not to engage with such fuckwittery 🙄

Only those who saw certain posts before they were deleted would have realised what was going on.

Why give the Dh's ring to your ds @Gingerloaf ?

The symbolism is quite heavy there.

My suggestion?

Take his ring, your ring, and your engagement ring, and melt them into a newly designed something. A creation that represents you, past, present and your hopes for the future.

Keep the old but transform it.

After all, that is what you are doing with your life.

that sounds a lovely idea to melt the rings down, if it appeals to Ginger!

I'd like to know, if you could please shed some light on this? It's perplexing.

I'm trying to keep within the rules here.

Someone posted comments in the guise of being supportive and caring, but they actually seemed to be geared to undermine. There was rather a nasty whiff about it. When someone pointed out that the comments contradicted what the poster had said on another thread, they became abusive.

They continued to be abusive and goading when people disagreed with them or pointed out that they seemed to be projecting. The abusive posts were deleted.

The pattern seems to be that they stay away from the thread and then reappear randomly late at night.