Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

As a nearly 70 year old, I resemble that remark! (But on the other hand, I see exactly where you're coming from!)
@Gingerloaf - another one coming on to admire your resilience and grace under fire. And loving your family's attitude and support.
Good luck at keeping strong but also allowing yourself to reflect on the pain when you need to.

Wind your neck in - I was talking about the posters I seen making comments about how disgusting it is he’s with a 70 year old and that he’s basically with his mum. This is not only ageist but actually absurd considering it’s only a ten year age difference.

If you think they do then you need to go back to school.

This! Well said.

Lol. It’s not well said at all because as above, I repeat:

I was talking about the posters I seen making comments about how disgusting it is he’s with a 70 year old and that he’s basically with his mum. This is not only ageist but actually absurd considering it’s only a ten year age gap.

Yes you've said it twice now.

Yes the “I repeat” would suggest that was intentional.

Look you nor the other poster engaged with any of the points I actually made in my original or follow up posts about ageism. If you want to challenge my actual arguments then fine, but you’re just chiming in as if either of you said anything smart.

I'll do what I like thanks. I tend to give a nod to people I agree with.

Oh just give over will you. Nod all you want.

OP I commented on how well you're doing and wow you really are, but please do not feel you have to be superwoman, or super strong. This is such a difficult time and please do continue to reach out here and in real life.

Yeah their responses are just petulant now, they clearly don’t have any kind of argument to support cheering on a post which misrepresented what was said about ageism.

Not worth engaging with further 😆

Thank God for that!

I can do both petulant posts and articulate arguments quite nicely thanks.
A glance through my posting history will outline my views on men dating women who are much younger than themselves.
Personally I'd happily date a man 10-15 years younger. However I very much doubt he'd want a woman of 48, but you never know.
Would I date a man 10 years older than me? Hell no.
Would I raise an eyebrow at a man fancying a women 10 years older than himself? Yes (see above)
Ageist. Possibly.
I can live with that 😃

Well done OP, and I'm really glad your DC see through him.

Indeed 🥳

@Lookingforunicorns if this was in AIBU then fair enough, get into it, but this is Relationships, about how the OP is handling her marriage breakdown so not really polite to derail about what other posters might be saying about the ow / the ex. Apologies if I missed that you were referencing posters other than the OP but it's not really the point.

All power to you OP. I admire your dignity.

@BibbleandSqwauk fair point.
I think the OP rocks btw

@Gingerloaf Good luck. A new life is waiting. It's OK to feel sad and to griev the loss of your marriage.

What an idiot he is to throw everything away. His loss is your gain though!

OP, I have just read the whole thread and I bow in admiration

This has been a monumentally shitty time for you and you have responded magnificently. Yes it's painful for you, but your steadfast refusal to let him see how upset you are is the way forward. Weaponised niceness is underrated.

I remember an ex telling me about a snogfest he had had with someone we both knew ( he was trying to make me jealous). Funnily enough, I ran into her a week or so later and we chatted for a while while travelling to our respective destinations. She looked at me like I was a bomb about to go off while I wittered on about a pair of shoes I had bought ( or some other nonsense). I found it hilarious. And yes, he got his comeuppance too.

You say that all they have done is shag? No dates or anything? Well if they don't find some more common ground a bit sharpish, she's going to wake up one day and all she has to look forward to is the same old stale dick. Then he'll be out on his ear and hot footing it round to you..... only for you to deliver the coup de grace: you don't want stale dick either.

Continue to take care, OP.

@AlcoholicDad82 - thank you. I am blessed with friends who ring and we indulge in some dark humour and use various nicknames for them
I also have friends here who take me out for a hill walk.
You are right - at the moment my health and relationship with my DC is paramount

@Kittensat36 - it has been snatched ( apology for the wording) shag here and there
eg after their hobby group, or when he went to collect something from the DIY shop
possibly the longest time being a few hours when I was out - he said he was having lunch but not where so a few hours at the most.
No outings etc - it’s purely sex and her telling him he walks on water and his wife doesn’t love him.

when he came to me 2 days after I asked him to leave, he talked utter shit eg ‘it’s all the fault of the feminists’ now he had a career wife and has a very clever daughter who is working in labs and coming up
with vaccines - so feminism has done well in our family. However, I know some of the things he has told her and she has clearly given him the view that if he was with her she would be the trad wife and he would want for nothing. I do not want to ignite the age debate we have had here but 14 years age difference between us means many women of her generation ( not all please don’t start the ageism shit) didn’t do what i did - and it’s easier for her to give him the nirvana image of never being asked to do anything ever again. BTW on their second night together he was making pasta - so the trad wife fantasy clearly went out the window

In its basic form - he had a need ( due to low self esteem or whatever) he decided I wouldn’t give it to him ( and frankly after 40 years and 2 kids he should have known he was in a committed relationship) and she has seen a chance ( and yes if my husband had been dead 18 months and I felt horny I may have indulged in flirting) ….. but they planned, deceived and had a good laugh at my expense - neither stopped to think it was wrong They also had me meet them at a public event where I had no idea what was going on - as my counselling session mentioned it was a power and control kick

They each believe the bullshit the other has fed them …… but already signs are that the holiday they are on is not going well

I cannot explain but he is clearly torn and I am done

You did well to make your mind up not to wait for him or anything like that. Try not to give too much headspace to him now though, and to what is happening in his new "relationship".

The only thing your 'D'H is torn with is life with his sugarmama, or being single. Imagine his face when he learns that those are his choices 😶