Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

This. My ex was having an affair and one Christmas he turned up with her and her kid expecting me to just accept that they were moving in. I could like it or lump it but he genuinely thought I would accept her as another wife or something of that nature. He has no history of taking mind altering drugs so I have literally no clue why he thought I would tolerate this. I had net her a few times before I copped on to what was going on and I would never be friends with someone like her. I couldn't even stand her type as a ND neighbour.

I was so run down with looking after my Dad, I didn't fight back for a few days but between Christmas and NY, when he was out with her and the kid, I put all their stuff in bin bags and put them out the front. I told the police what I was doing and that he would likely get violent (again - long story). I texted that I had contacted the Police and he would be wise to get the stuff before someone else did. I had a crime number if he tried anything (I didn't. I lied about that bit to keep the peace).

They turned up, took their crap and moved into hers. Her husband rang and I told him they were at it but he was adamant they were not. A week later, he moved out too though so the other shoe must have dropped.

They were together a year and she booted him out. I have no idea why. I worked this out by FB stalking the pair of them but it looks like he had OW again!

The DH is happily re married and had another DC. OW is on her own and my ex is now dead having repeated the process at least once more.

So it took a year for the bloom to go off the rose although I heard via a friend that within a month of me booting him back to her place, he was speaking to her like she was dirt (which he never did with me to be fair).

I look back and laugh that I was ever involved with the likes of him but be prepared for it to take a while for the penny to drop and the snoring, farting and general assholery to really irritate. Being sanguine as you are is wise as they have less 'bonding' as a result and the process is likely speeded up as a result.

I'm sorry you had a bit of a turn @Gingerloaf, that must have been unsettling and distressing. Take care of yourself. I know that you are wise, mighty, very witty and extremely inspirational to many here (and IRL too, I've no doubt). But you are also human. As I mentioned before, I know that this is not a thread created for entertainment purposes - although what you and other posters have written has been crafted in very entertaining ways - this is your reality, and it's been a huge, upsetting, destabilising shock. Sending you un-MNetty hugs and a nice velvety hot chocolate. ❤

Your DCs sound amazing. I'm sure they never envisaged that sort of conversation with you either. But clearly they have your back and want you to be happy and fulfilled in your future, even while probably seething at the foetid sh~tstorm that their feckless father has unleashed into their lives. CBT is amazing. I had it at the start of the 2000s, as part of a trial (I made a good guinea pig. I have the whiskers for it) when our local NHS trust was considering making a commitment to it big-time in their MH strategy. It really helped me and has stood me in good stead for everything that has come my way, big or small, since then.

I'm sure that many happy times lie ahead for you - even if Marco ultimately turns out to be a middle-aged, somewhat flatulent, Staffordshire Bull Terrier from Dogs Trust who shares in your adventures.

Keep going. Superwoman doesn't necessarily need a cape to fly. Sometimes she is powered by gingerloaves. x

This.

I was in a smiler situation and I was too shocked to do anything practical, I sat around and cried for weeks. This was a big mistake as he took a lot of our joint assets and hid them , so I got screwed over big time in the divorce.

He literally emptied all his and our joint bank account just before he went and left less than £5 in each of them. He moved all the money that was in his very large pensions, we still don’t know where , I asssume overseas.

My advice is to secure your assets , move if you have to and take photos of every piece of paper in the house that might be relevant. Especially pensions. then see a lawyer next week.

Im sorry this is happening to you .

Re the affair - what you need to remember is that after 40 years there was no way he would get the rush that an affair brings
it alters their sense of reality and he has to do everything to prove to OW that he is a catch and that he won’t ping back to the wife - so all the attention to her and bugger all to family

Its hard to explain - eventually that rush will go and he will start thinking
Its a classic case - his reality has shifted and he does everything to reinforce his new reality

I do hope you're doing ok. Just found this thread and you sound like an amazingly strong woman. Someone I aspire to be xx

You sound strong and determined - keep it that way. Good luck for your future, you deserve better.

Wow! Have just read your thread. What an incredible woman you are.

Please keep us updated when you are able, and promise us you will write a book when this is all behind you.

What an incredible example you are to your children too. They must be very proud of the way you are navigating your way through this unexpected life turn.

I wish you only the very best life has to offer.

Glad you are still sounding so positive and strong.

Keep on keeping on.

When people need support on here (and are not being idiots) then they get it.
This is an amazing space.

Please affirm my belief in karma by letting us know when the idiot comes crashing down to earth! Well done you for dealing with this mess with such aplomb

@REP22 TBF Marco’s a good name for a Staffordshire Bull Terrier.

I hope you have changed your will and given PoA to your kids; divorce could take a while

He is bonkers. So he is leaving a 55 year intelligent woman who provides for a man for a 70 year old gran????? And he is what, 64?

That is like he is sleeping with his mother. So disgusting

What? 😂

@Gingerloaf

You are so, so clearheaded, strong, and wise. I'll tell you what....once this is all over and the dust has settled (and Marco has moved in, NOT) you are going to be one hell of a source of wisdom and calm to other women who find themselves in your situation.

I take my hat off to you, you ferocious tigress, you.

That is good. Start drawing the line under him now. DO NOT RELENT AND HAVE HIM BACK....I have also been there and done it

Kindly, you will be OK ((((hugs))))

well, just so. The new woman is apparently 70. This man hasnt got any shame and is a pervert

You said yourself he was 64 and she was 70. That is 6 years difference in age, so how can he be a pervert or how could she be his mother? Would you say the same about a 40 year old woman with a 46 year old man?

I mean, obviously he is an idiot but your math skills don’t really add up.

Absolutely in awe of you. Please write a book when you feel able to, and then the sequel can feature your new, happy life, whether it features a Marco or not! I love the saying by a previous poster, you had his best years, and now you have your best years in front of you, where you can do whatever you want/need to keep yourself happy and fulfilled.

They do add up and he is a total idiot.

Ok to avoid confusion - she is 10 years older than H
and 14 years older than me

Ok ten years older is certainly not “like his mother” and the ageism is uncalled for her.

Surely the issue is they both have poor morals and are being very selfish and cruel carrying on an affair. The age is irrelevant.

And can I ask the ones who have such a problem with this age gap say the same when a man married or otherwise is in a relationship with a woman ten years his junior?

And would it be any better if OPs husband had left her for someone 14 years younger than OP instead of 14 years older than Op?

Good luck op.

@Blueberryjamming oh give over. This thread is about a twatty man and a brilliantly strong op who has had the rug pulled from under her and is a fantastic example of how to react when that happens. I think she's allowed a little latitude in bitching about the ow on here in an anonymous forum without being pulled up by the "ism" police.