Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Gosh what a terrible shock! What a bastard.

Good for you for just grabbing the bull by the horns and cracking on with ending the marriage, I'm always in awe of the strength of women in situations like this. Absolute titanium spine.

Enjoy your wine, sending you peace, healing and happiness 💐

At least your DC are adults so you won't have to fight him about contact/ CMS. I know it's precious little comfort Op but at least you can tell the truth. If you're the main breadwinner I'd get yourself off to a solicitor and make sure your finances are secured in the divorce- I know it's early days but quite frankly you wouldn't have him back, would you?

Sorry you are going through this.
You will be ok.

I hope his knob falls off. Leaving a festering hole.

I’ve only read the first page but you’ve had excellent replies.

Firstly, remember that he’s been thinking about this for months so he will be cool and relaxed about things. His fantasies about his future with OW means that he’s detached emotionally and practically.

Secondly, your emotions are going to be up and down. You’ll feel sad, angry - the full rollercoaster. You need to ride this rollercoaster until your feelings settle

Thirdly, be prepared for him to rewrite history. He’ll be coming up with bullshit reasons why he had to cheat and recalling past events incorrectly. For example if you and him decided to buy an expensive house it could turn into you forced him to buy the expensive house so he had to stick with his horrible job. I wrote down some big events in an email to myself so when he gaslit me I could compare with my notes.

Be prepared to be hit by the realizations that he was with OW when you thought he was doing X. For example a business trip might really have been a break with her or when he didn’t attend an event with your family, he was secretly with OW. It takes a lot of lies to have an affair and the lies he told me during the affair pissed me off more than the affair itself.

Yup, this. Men are crap liars and nothing is ever their fault.
I'm sorry OP, but take heart it's not you, it's definitely him. 🌺

@BeanCountingContinues
He has gone ti his other woman - made a call and calmly packed his bags to go

In retrospect I tthink she may have pushed him to say something ( no idea if true i am
possibly filling a void here)

its actually 34 years marriage and 40 years together

Currently drawing up list if things to sort

@Daleksatemyshed
No I don’t want him back - the trust went out the window

100% this. Get ready for the gaslighting and telling you how it’s all your fault because… and him rewriting your whole history to fit his narrative.

So sorry OP, I’ve recently been there. It’s not nice at all. Please do not let this consume you, especially the OW. This is so easy for me to say, but it has me and I’ve really become a shell of myself. I’m slowly trying to build myself back up to a good place.

@SonicTheHodgeheg - thank you many of your points have already been hit
Late back from the shops ( we are retired) now I know why
Keen for me to go out for the day and have fun with a friend etc etc

Lots of actual bullshit that now I see for what it was

@AdviceNeeded2024 - sorry to hear you had the same thing

I'm sorry @Gingerloaf , 40 years together is a hell of a long time, this sudden change is hard especially when he's suddenly turned on you like this. Make sure you get your truth out there, no doubt he'll lie to save face but you have no reason to be kind to him. I hope when the shock has passed you'll go on to a great life without him

@Gingerloaf Thank you. It’s hard but I’m realising now actually I feel relieved not to have to put up with his shit anymore.

And… I am currently looking forward to her finding out how his snoring can be heard through walls etc

😂😂 yep, passion killer right there! Will soon kill off the novelty!

Keep focusing on the practical stuff - it will help keep the emotions from overwhelming you.
Then set aside times to cry your eyes out. Watch a tear-jerker film.

Can you afford to buy him out of his share of the house? Do you even want to stay living there? Maybe moving to your own flat will be a great new start for you.
If you have only just found out you may not want to think about the future too much just yet - that is fine. Don't let him rush you and dictate the pace just because he wants the money asap. You go at your own pace.

The best bit of advice I received from MN - and ignored at my peril - he is not your friend. Even if he plays nice, says all the right things etc, it's all bullshit. Do not trust him, do not be kind because history, do not be the better person. Find out exactly what he's worth to the penny and get your half, do not cave even if it kills you to be equally as vile.

So sorry OP.

Main thing is get a solicitor and make sure your wealth is split equally. I have seen far too many women settle for less because they were blindsided / felt too weak to fight / had life long programming to be nice at whatever cost to them.

Don’t do this. Future you will thank you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce

Check out this thread too…

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Be prepared for him to 'realise what a huge mistake he's made' etc etc when the shine wears off. Be strong. You're nobody's second choice. Also maybe gently discourage the 'midlife crisis' narrative with the kids. Or at least make it clear it's very definitely the end for you, based on what he has done to you today. A midlife crisis might be something they see resolving itself and you perhaps need to make it clear that this won't be fixed.

Be super, super kind to yourself OP. Do whatever makes you feel best for the next good long while. Move your body, eat the things that make you happy, wear nice clothes, watch whatever makes you smile. Look after YOU. You didn't deserve this and life will be better again later.

@Gingerloaf, my heart goes out to you.

Your faithless, manipulative H has been a sneaky rat with an agenda, but you are clearly taking control by marshaling as much knowledge and support as possible as you move forward.

Of course his infidelity and contemptuous attitude had zero to do with you. He is that guy — the cliche who rewrites and finds fault to justify his unethical choices and shitty behavior.

Their fantasy adventure may well turn sour when reality sets in. If things do go sideways, expect his attempt to return with cringey manipulations.

This is a terrible blow, but you clearly possess heaps of fortitude and humor. I’m sorry that your H is such a pathetic worm.

Sending my support and solidarity, @Gingerloaf.

You are / were the main bread winner, and most the finances came from you ?

he is going to take you to the cleaners !!!

you need a good solicitor, ask around for recommendations.

HE has chosen to END the marriage not you so why should he be the one to profit.

Once upon a time it was possible to name the OW in the divorce when divorcing for adultery, sadly I believe that is no longer.

Well it depends on his other assets. Does he own property or have a big pension?

This is worth repeating and rereading.

All bets are off.

given you are the higher earner I’d also (rightly or wrongly) be looking at how you can secure your assets/ secure assets to your advantage

Take care OP, This only happens to other people, right??????? I know afew people who have thought that. You sound like a strong woman. Take care

OP, you must be in such shock. I'm so sorry.

I second everyone's excellent advice so far and really recommend ChumpLady's 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life' book and her website. She cuts through all the bullshit that these pathetic cliched losers come out with.

Experience has taught me (not mine but friends’, and my closest friend is a very experienced counsellor) that the ‘midlife crisis’ trope is bandied about because people struggle to accept someone seemingly decent can behave so very badly. There is no midlife crisis. Your husband has just decided to be a bad and selfish twat.

Do not for a second blame some sort of crisis. This is highly successful on his part. Nor accept any of the other blame he may throw your way.

So sorry Ginger this is just so awful. Imagine hoe Huw Edwards wife is feeling!!!
I'm 7 years on from this, long marriage, the script, all the same.
I've been through the gamut of emotions. Rage, grief, loss of 20 years of memories the whole lot. So will you.
I had to move because the home didn't feel like home any more. My new home is mine and mine alone.
My ex's relationship fell through and after turning my life upside down he actually asked me if he could come acknowledge as he had made a
"Mistake" and this after telling me he hadn't been happy for years! I told him. To get to fuck and shut the door in his face.