Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

You sound like you’ve got a great network around you which is v good. Keep looking after yourself, this is a horrible thing to go through and have nothing helpful to add / words of advice but just sending you lots of positive vibes @Gingerloaf

What are you going to do about splitting up the assets?

The reason I ask is based on your last post if their relationship breaks down he may try to move back in and legally he would be allowed to as he co-owns the house.

What's the plan OP?

@LittleSeasideCottage - I have a plan - but not putting it on here
No offence - this is very public and I am mindful if that

• we have an interesting dynamic she doesn’t have kids and he adores the ground his beautiful, clever and funny ‘kids’ walk on

When it dawns on him Xmas is a no go and they won’t meet her - some hard thoughts are going to hit*

I'm repeating what I suggested upthread.
Book you and DC into a nice hotel somewhere for Christmas. Somewhere too far for a quick visit. Scotland maybe (unless you live there already).

That way he won't have a chance to guilt everyone and the DC into meeting up or popping round on Christmas morning.
Or happening to be at his parents (with her) if DC are persuaded to visit their grandparents with whom presumably they still will have a relationship.

It's a good time to draw a line under Christmas past and whatever family traditions you previously had. You probably did what women up and down the country did - ie organise the whole thing, presents, decorations, food.

Have a break and you can plan for different Christmases to come - your children are adults, you could start descending on them and still do your share of cooking etc. in the future.

It'll be good to be out of the house with the ghost of Christmas past looking on. And will nip in the bud any thoughts he might have of relying on Christmas spirit for some sort of acceptance and the chance to worm his way back into family life.

@Gingerloaf it sounds like he's realised the grass isn't greener and it still needs cutting 🤣🤣. Silly man x

Fair enough, as long as you have one!

People can easily get caught out in these situations and the ex can make life difficult if they turn angry.

Good you're getting your ducks in a row 👍🏻

@ShamedBySiri - Xmas is very much a hotel in the heart of a city we know well and the plan is a new tradition - a new era
It may not be easy but the DC are clear - they still love their dad but think he has totally effed up and there is no way back to the old days
And yes - so looking forward to not having to make suggestions re his mother’s Xmas present. She is lovely and has offered to strangle her own son she is so ashamed
The impact of affairs ripples far and wide

Grandparents are distraught but the DC will see them when they can and no - not near H
we did that escape to the country thing - all was going well until he bonked a local!!!

Every time I come on this thread to read your updates it always flickers through my mind what an excellent book you could write. You have such a way with language, your posts are a compelling mix of wit, emotion and wisdom.

And if his penis does in fact fall off I will buy a few copies for my friends.

Still following this thread and how you’re handling things OP. I’m in awe! Just reading how strong you are it’s inspiring!

" …… but already signs are that the holiday they are on is not going well"

Not laughing much.

Catching up with thread, thing is the "shagging", there's only so much of that , that can happen. Brad and Jen split up and apparently they were at it constantly!!. They've not got much else in common. He, ll realise he's made a massive mistake soon enough. How sad not!!.

Glad you have Christmas in hand @Gingerloaf along with everything else.
You have it all in hand.
At some point you should write a manual - divorce for dummies or something.
You are a Mumsnet legend!

Some very kind comments on here ( and flattery which is a good boost) thank you

My DS is here ( we live a train journey away) - wow what a hug he gave me. The fact this has happened when the ‘kids’ are late 20s means we can have frank conversations and they are equally frank back. He has no time for his DF - but is preparing some choice words for when he does decide to speak to his DF. The non contact between these two is killing H. He is stubborn enough not to say it but I know it’s sinking in. DS has told me not to tell H that he is here for a flying visit. That speaks volumes.

I really wish those people who are tempted into an affair could understand how far the shit flies when they indulge their need for validation elsewhere.

In the meantime my truly amazing and whacky DS is talking frankly about things and giving me an interesting perspective on his dad’s faults - and recognising as the bread winner just how much I did for the family. We shouldn’t need to hear this but it speaks volumes about the joys of having older children who can reflect back on things and apply their adult brain.
It’s so lovely to know that he’s sleeping upstairs and we get to spend 48 hours together - my DS that is in case anyone missed the flow of the meaning

Apparently I started this thread again saying it was my last post ….. a lady can change her mind. We are getting signals from H he knows he effed up but I hold dear how painful this revelation has been and it not been 4 weeks yet. I also remind myself of the deception and the manipulation that went into his affair to keep me in the dark. I am ready for ‘little boy lost look’ and requests to come back. Let’s face it you gifted me Marco ( who is either the music manager or a Staffie - either will do me) and I will have that in mind as the days unfold - the sweepstake is still
Open as to when H will actually say ‘ can I come home?’ - no point over thinking that at this point

If anyone has just started this journey of finding out about an affair …I was told not to rush as things unfold over weeks and it certainly has been the gift ( that I didn’t want) that keeps on giving
I really am going to sit back and watch the further developments - and in the meantime continue to ‘heal’ which is the new way of saying get over it and get on with being a new me.

Glad to see you're doing well@Gingerloaf

I have black humour so I've visions of someone dying on the job so to speak and rigor mortis setting in.

Re the kids, it may suit the OW if he has no contact with his children pulling him back to his old life. My friends father left, his kids were furious with him so the OW drove a wedge in so deep 18 years later he still won't see them. He's missing out on grandchildren too now.

The old fool bought himself a Porsche sports car, gawd knows how he gets in and out of it with a bad hip. 🙄

@justasking111 - thank you for this perspective

Both DC have decided ‘he wanted this life let’s give it to him’ so he has chance to reflect and come to terms etc
Both are mindful that at some point they will contact him - when they are ready and time has passed

Whilst I cannot predict how this will go - and the only thing I can control is myself. Should he still be with her by Xmas and decide that actually his DC are irrelevant then that’s on him - when I started this thread I was at the beginning of my journey of ‘ I didn’t think this would happen but it has’
Perhaps this is moving towards a more zen view that actually I have to let go of being the lynch pin of the family. He has asked for his freedom and now he gets it. I don’t get to organise and plan for everyone. They are adult - we don’t have to discuss weekends and school holidays etc

I am learning to let go.
Let go of planning
Let go of looking ahead and seeing an opportunity for an event
Let go of feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness

But I do thank you for this perspective

Yes, "my" OW was very clear that ex had to cut us off completely. My son was 2.5 years old. They don't want the risk that they might have regrets.

I remember snippets from your previous posts, and just wanted to say I think there is a special place in hell reserved for your ex and the ow
X

Imagine choosing fanny over your child

I think men can compartmentalize.

Old life with family

New life child free.

@AtTheTurnybus Yes I agree! Thank you

@Gingerloaf

Perhaps this is moving towards a more zen view that actually I have to let go of being the lynch pin of the family.

You know, I think that's a time that comes to all women at some point in our lives as our children grow and get their own lives. It's just that you've had it thrust on you suddenly out of the blue, before you and your DC were ready for it. But we all learn that we must let go and let life happen. And you are doing a damn fine job of that. Because of that, so will your DC.

I think I finally figured that I really don't want the job of 'Matriarch'. It's too much work!

Your kids both sound utterly wonderful. I assume they don’t get it from their Dad. He sounds soggy.

It is extraordinary how some men do compartmentalise their lives.

My friend is such a child of this.
Parents divorced when she and her two siblings were under 10 and he quickly devoted himself to new woman and her children for over 25 years.
He had absolutely zero interest in his own children and paid absolute minimum CM to their mother.
His wife died of cancer and the children that he had spent so much time dvoted to gravitated towards their own father and his wife and family.
Suddenly he was very alone and wanting to see his children and their children.
Even appealing to his Ex wife for a bit of compassion.
His 3 children had none of it, never upped their annual contact, never involved him in his grand childrens lives.
They were one and all devoted to their mother until her death a few years ago and mourned her deeply.
He attended her funeral and was very emotional but he got zero succour from them.
They treated him as you would a old neighbour.
He is in a nursing home now.
My friend and her siblings have zero regrets.
He made his choices nearly 50 years ago and left them and their mother to get on with it, and that's exactly what they did.
There is no anger from them, just complete indifference.
A good place to be.