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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blindsided by H

1000 replies

Gingerloaf · 07/08/2024 17:22

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/09/2024 09:48

Gingerloaf
Please start a new thread when this one gets to it's limit (1000?)

godmum56 · 24/09/2024 13:53

Uricon2 · 23/09/2024 19:28

Take your half out, including 14K as your share of the bloody car and put it safe. He is not to be trusted.

if its his car I'd be takling out 28,000 and not half the car

Gingerloaf · 24/09/2024 18:33

@ByQuaintAzureWasp - not sure I can be bothered - it seems to have gone a bit off piste at the moment

Too much happening by the day - most of which I can’t put on here but let’s say a few surprises have landed ( not just c tax) and all is not well at the love nest - it’s taken 7 weeks and it’s clear who actually has the upper hand
Small pleasures

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 24/09/2024 18:34

Ooh I'd love to be a fly on the wall in the love nest.

cjcghana · 24/09/2024 18:40

Keep on going gingerloaf. You are incredible

Gingerloaf · 24/09/2024 18:53

Let’s just say - I took them both by surprise and their mouths hit the floor. Unexpected ‘visit’ that blew everyone’s brains and exposed a few home truths
A certain level of satisfaction- sometimes it’s best to keep your powder dry on a few things and let people believe they are ‘safe’ and ‘hidden’ - only to pick a moment to go tada with accompanying jazz hands!!

OP posts:
YorkshireTeaDance · 24/09/2024 19:00

I do hope you start a new thread. I have found so much solace in reading about how you've handled things while remaining dignified, it's given me a bit of confidence that I might do the same. If you decide against it, I wish you all the best and hope your life only gets better and better. You certainly deserve it!

Scottishskifun · 24/09/2024 19:22

Gingerloaf · 24/09/2024 18:53

Let’s just say - I took them both by surprise and their mouths hit the floor. Unexpected ‘visit’ that blew everyone’s brains and exposed a few home truths
A certain level of satisfaction- sometimes it’s best to keep your powder dry on a few things and let people believe they are ‘safe’ and ‘hidden’ - only to pick a moment to go tada with accompanying jazz hands!!

I absolutely love this update @Gingerloaf I dip my cap to you madam and I hope your enjoying every minute of some karma firing back!

REP22 · 24/09/2024 19:46

I can only repeat that you are an amazing person, @Gingerloaf - strong and resolute despite your shock, despair and great personal hurts. I was also saddened to see how this supportive (and helpful to some) thread has been derailed of late. I would like (if "like" be the right word, it's not entirely appropriate, but I'm not sure of a better one) to hear further updates and how you are doing - but only because I am genuinely cheering you on in all you are facing and accomplishing. Your posts are well-written and it IS amusing to see your wretched OH get something in the way of comeuppance and consequences for his foolish and unkind choices.

But, as I think I said in an earlier post, this is your real life, happening to you, right now, and to your family and friends. I'm very aware that this is not an entertainment thread, for the amusement and vicarious delight of others. This is a sh~tty, sh~tty hand that has been dealt to you. You are absolutely admirable and I wish you nothing but joy and happier days to come. It's more than understandable if you don't want to create another thread.

I'm sure that a bright new future awaits you - even if you have to wade through the grim sludgy stuff for a little while longer yet.

Very best wishes to you. x

AdmittowearingCrocs · 24/09/2024 19:50

Loving the update @Gingerloaf, seems the guano is hitting the fan.
Its a shame others highjacked and filled your thread with their own issues instead of starting their own thread.
Would love you to consider making a follow up thread to let us know how things are going and so we can continue to be here for you. Sending you a virtual cocktail and hug 🍹

larklane17 · 24/09/2024 19:51

I'm still following and salute you for keeping your dignity and wits about you. Well done! I just know that things will come good for you. Flowers

justasking111 · 24/09/2024 19:54

You are going to be okay @Gingerloaf you have a rational brain that will stand you in good stead.

Shouldveknownbetter · 24/09/2024 19:58

@Gingerloaf I've been following from the start, as others have said you sound an incredibly strong and amazing woman, who has been admirable despite the awful situation you're in. Another vote here for a follow up thread when you're good and ready, we need to know if there is a Marco out there! I hope everything works out for you and your amazing kids. And finally another song for your playlist (if it's not already there) - I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor. Sending love 💐

AzureSheep · 24/09/2024 20:16

OP, I don’t think I’ve commented on your thread before, but I’ve been watching from the beginning. I’d love you to start another thread, at some point, when you’re ready. You’re a real inspiration and I have so much respect for the way you’re handling yourself. Keep on keeping on 💐💐💐

Psychoticbreak · 24/09/2024 20:24

Still reading, still admiring your strength. Still wishing for his penis to fall off.

Sandunesandseashells · 24/09/2024 20:46

Sneaking in with another song: Jill Scott - I Keep. It’s melancholy but beautiful

DearDenimEagle · 24/09/2024 21:13

Rooting for you still, and still thinking you are the most awesome person I have ever ‘seen ‘ in action .

Yellowpingu · 24/09/2024 21:21

@Gingerloaf please don’t sign with a book publisher until the financial settlement is decided. Then we’ll all top-up your pension pot by purchasing advance copies.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 24/09/2024 21:57

We care for and about you.
Please don't vanish when this thread ends,

we would really like to be here with you when you get out the other side,
your life changed overnight and whilst you may have felt like weeping and wailing ( indeed maybe you did ) you write so well that I know you are going to be ok - indeed more than ok !

and it has ' only ' been 7 weeks !!!

if you do vanish when this gets to the end, please at least come back in 7 months or however long this does all take to ' resolve ' and let us know how you are...

ShamedBySiri · 24/09/2024 22:35

Gingerloaf · 24/09/2024 18:33

@ByQuaintAzureWasp - not sure I can be bothered - it seems to have gone a bit off piste at the moment

Too much happening by the day - most of which I can’t put on here but let’s say a few surprises have landed ( not just c tax) and all is not well at the love nest - it’s taken 7 weeks and it’s clear who actually has the upper hand
Small pleasures

I do have some curiosity about OW - no sympathy for either of them of course.
But it's a bit of a leap from running around playing Merry Widow with another woman's husband, and said husband arriving on your doorstep unbidden and taking up residence.

I can imagine another MN thread:

"I am a financially secure widow and have recently been seeing shagging a married man. Unfortunately his wife found out and ejected him so he came to my house as he had nowhere else to go. Now he has his feet under the table and seems to think he's here to stay. He's not contributing financially and I'm sick of his mess. Plus he's very morose these days."

The very first reply would be "Well done OP - you have acquired your very own cock lodger".

Well I suppose she's found out now without the help of Mumsnet.

cjcghana · 25/09/2024 05:29

@REP22 perfectly put....

AlcoholicDad82 · 25/09/2024 09:07

@Gingerloaf so glad it’s not all rosy. I don’t wish ill on anyone but all that’s happening is the reality of treating someone so badly. It’s karma.

If you don’t start a new thread (and I would totally understand why) just sending strength your way. You have been flipping amazing thorough this, I don’t think I could have been. I think this thread should go into the section of best threads or whatever it’s called. It will be important for women to see your resilience and strength through this period. Please do keep leaning on those around you, it sounds like you’re very very loved.

Goldcushions2 · 25/09/2024 10:03

@ShamedBySiri ...another reply given to such a thread by the likes of me and others would be....."I bet his wife is delighted to be rid of him and I would love to hear HER story".

OP has been a loving supportive wife of a lazy selfish man whilst being the main earner.
She has been loyal for many many years.
However, fate has dealt her this hand and rather than fall apart after his appalling behaviour, she has held herself up with a calm dignity, and quietly realised that while it may cost her financially, the future looks bright.

Women like the OP after long marriages, can often slip into a supportive role and forget themselves and their huge contribution to the lives around them.
They forget how strong, independent and capable they really are.
They thrive on their own having been unexpectedly relieved of the role of supportive capable partner.
They realise they have other roles to play....like suiting themselves completely....perhaps for the first time in decades...absolutely delicious!

Often the more supportive and loyal a wife, the less appreciated they are by a certain type who has been carried and coasted during the long relationship.

These men often don't take long to realise that they have royally fxxked up.

They very often want to return to the fold.
I heard another story yesterday when out with friends.
The couple in their early 60's had separated, his infidelity, and were divorcing.
He has asked to come "home" and she has absolutely insisted the divorce goes through, complete separation of their finances as "home" has been sold.

She has said she has signed a rental for 6 months and will not be making any changes to her plans.
She had to leave the family home and will never give him any power over her again.
He is very remorseful but she is not bending.
The divorce will be finalised and she will see what she wants for her future.

This idea that you can blow up your partners life, force the sale of their home and somehow be quickly forgiven for your "blip"...is highly delusional.

ShamedBySiri · 25/09/2024 10:54

Totally agree with everything you said @Goldcushions2

I certainly don't have sympathy for either of them, as I said. Just mildly amused at how OW now finds her life not so rosy either.

OP is amazing and we all respect her strength and wish nothing but good things for her future.

Women like the OP after long marriages, can often slip into a supportive role and forget themselves and their huge contribution to the lives around them.
They forget how strong, independent and capable they really are.
They thrive on their own having been unexpectedly relieved of the role of supportive capable partner.
They realise they have other roles to play....like suiting themselves completely....perhaps for the first time in decades...absolutely delicious

Obviously a totally different situation but I think many women also find this after widowhood. My Grandmother celebrated 60 years of very happy marriage with my Grandfather. When he died she had literally never spent a night alone. Of course she grieved, and kissed his photo goodnight every night.
She also bought a mini (which she gave to me after she gave up driving, my first car) and drove up from Cornwall to visit family. First such trip alone. She took a trip to New Zealand (she travelled on a cargo ship so it was a long trip, not sure if that is still possible but back then they sometimes took passengers) to visit her long lost sister in NZ. She had several proposals of marriage but said "they just want someone to cook for them", of course she was never going to marry again. She lived life to the full during her remaining years and I do believe enjoyed her new found independence.

YeFaerieBean · 25/09/2024 11:08

Ha, it sounds like the cake he’s getting to eat is “Karma Cake”.

You sound strong and capable @Gingerloaf , my money is on you to triumph!

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