Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

You made the right call. If he has so little respect for your space as to move in without invitation he’s likely to disrespect you in other ways too.

@Girlgamer well done, I just want to echo what everyone is saying.

It's hurts just now because you thought he was lovely and you could see a future with him, he's shown you what he's really like - If you don't do what I want then I'll leave - it would be repeated endlessly in the relationship to make you bend to his will.

Take care of yourself.

Hope you're ok Op. It might not feel like it but it's the best outcome. Soon you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. When you've had a bit of distance you'll realise how disrespectful he was.

I wish you all the best, you'll be ok.

I feel like this needs to be said, another situation to be wary of is if you meet someone and early on they try to convince you to give up your property and move into theirs. That's another red flag as it gives them control in the situation where they can say "you're in MY house so you have to do as I say or you're out". I know it's a different scenario to OP but another control tactic regardless.

He'll be back.

Yep. If he’d turned up with a weekend bag telling her he was staying fir a few days without discussion that’s enough of a piss take but to actually say ‘I’ve moved in - surprise’ - he’s a serious CF

Yep. Maybe if there was a fire or flood at his gaff but even then you’d expect a text before setting off rather than just turning up on your doorstep.

Well done and thanks for updating!

What a manipulative arse!

Has he gone back home to mummy? I can’t believe that his behaviour towards his cash cow/meal ticket disappearing forever, was to stamp his feet and issue ultimatums!

Think that tells you all you needed to know about him. Goodness only knows what he’d have been like 6 months down the line.

You mentioned having given him a key. I hope you change your locks asap.

I suspect he will do one of 2 things now….

1. wait for you to text him and say you’re sorry and you miss him and he can move him…. (Manipulative prick)
2. if he doesn’t hear from you he’ll turn up on your doorstep crying, saying he’s really hurt that you didn’t want him to live with you because if you loved him you would.. (again manipulative prick!) Please whenever you feel sad about this, get angry… WITH HIM.. keep reminding yourself that HE did this… he tried to push you into something you weren’t comfortable with…. Like the teenage boys who tell their girlfriends that if they won’t have sex with them it’s over, and ‘if you loved me you would!’ The fact you still want to date this looser suggests he’s already love bombed you and possibly affected your self worth in some way… he’s now cross because he thought he’d got you where he wanted you but had it wrong… had moved too quickly.. I pray that you don’t contact him again… although I suspect he’s probably left something behind so that he has an excuse / hopes you’ll message about the item… don’t!!…. Anything he messages about don’t respond, just find the item and drop it at his parents when you know he won’t be there!! If he turns up don’t give him chance to talk his way back into your life… just tell him to eff off!! You can do SOoooo much better… might not feel like that now, but sit and make a list of all the bad things, times he’s had a mood because you did something he didn’t want you to… times he’s convinced you that your thoughts or feelings were invalid.. etc.

PLEASE PLEASE don’t let this man back in your life… even if he agrees to date again… he’ll be looking for an angle to get himself in your house… knowing that next time you’ll be scared to refuse!

Came to say this.

Please be prepared for him doing this. He will be thinking you'll panic after he ended it and change your mind.

If you do, this is how it will always be - him threatening to end it as soon as you disagree with something. It is absolutely crazy that he cannot see that he seriously crossed a line!

Hope you're ok x Even though you will feel upset now, he has done you a massive favour and you'll see that soon enough!

Just ask yourself, would a man who loves and respects you treat you like this?

I imagine you're hurting right now but I really do believe you've dodged a bullet here.

Bullet dodged. A rela partner does not just move in without a discussion and make demands and give ultimatums

This!! Blimey! I’m astonished! People never cease to amaze me! He needs to leave immediately! What an arse!

I promise you that this is the right result. Nobody could possibly have a healthy relationship with a man who behaved like that. He's a controlling piece of shit.

He will probably come crawling back. DO NOT let him back into your life, ever. Seriously. He's a bloody danger.

I can't believe he's playing hardball about this. He's got no cards to play! I'm kind of thinking he bullies his way on stuff with you all the time, maybe you don't realise how much - if you consider yourself laid back and just 'don't care enough' about relatively minor decisions. I've fallen into the trap before of just letting them decide where to eat, what to watch etc because it didn't bother me either way. Before I knew it I'd given an inch and they'd taken a fucking mile and considered themselves in the driving seat and I was merely a passenger with almost everything.

This. What's the bet he's bullied and manipulated his poor parents for years, and now they've finally snapped and decided enough is enough? The fact that he's almost 30 and doesn't seem to be making any plans to save and get his own place is concerning in itself. He's probably waiting for his mum and dad to pop their clogs so he can inherit the house.

Yes!! All my relationships have been like this! I’m a massive people pleaser and when it’s just me and a BF I just do what keeps them happy, and I’m happy because they are!!
Until DD came along and suddenly I was in the middle of doing what was right for him vs what was right for her…. This resulted in no one ever being happy unless we did things separately…. Which is what we did!…
i’d do what he wanted if we had a day off together during a school day, and weekends I’d please DD & have him in a mood… I took DD on holiday on my own because if he came he didn’t want to do the things we did… or just sat with a beer!
He was unhappy once the world didn’t revolve round him and we split…. I’ve been happily single for 2 years!!

Well done OP

"When someone shows you who they are: believe them."

Good fucking riddance. What a loser.

Hey, is this really possible? That he could end up owning part of the equity?

Well done, OP. I was in a remarkably similar situation about 10 years ago.

If (and it is a big if, but offering in the hopes it may be of some use) my experience is anything to go by:

1. you may be tempted to relent because the first little while after a break up feels really lonely. I had to block him** and distract myself. I made plans with friends and surrounded myself with people who could remind me I made the right choice, kept myself busy, went to the cinema and theatre and whatever else I could do to keep my mind off it.

2. he will try to wear you down and get you to change your mind over the next few weeks. Blocking sooner rather than later might be helpful.

**the blocking really helped me - could almost pretend he never existed.

Well done. Enjoy your space and do not allow him back into your life - there's no room for all those red flags.