Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

He's not done.

He thinks he is punishing you for saying no atm. He thinks you'll cave or chase him.

At some point down the line he will reappear. Texting you some shit about missing you perhaps. Do.not.take.him.back.

I suggest you block him for a start.
Don't answer calls from unknown numbers.
Warn your friends he may try to use them in some way.

We are telling you this because abusive men follow similar parterns.

Best case scenario he vanishes for maybe a year before trying to come back. Perhaps, bumping into you and speaking to you like you're an old friend he lost contact with. Hopefully by this time you find it easy to keep the door closed.

But I suspect he'll get back in touch sooner than that. So be proactive about blocking him and don't be drawn into conversation with the snakey creep.

You're being a condescending arsehole with the people skills of Monday's leftover doner.

...that's an insult.

This
beware

Party time. Celebrate your newly gained experience, being confident in your boundaries and saying No to a future of a man who sees himself as the ruler of the household.

Big hugs. In a few months and years you will thank yourself for this act of self care. Very strong of you x

good riddance to bad rubbish.

blackmail isn’t a attractive look

You are well shot of this controlling, manipulating individual who expects you to behave in line with what he wants regardless of what's best for you. He's shown his true, selfish colours. Cut off contact and be steadfast about this as he could well try to be back, saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Move him out without consulting him. Take his stuff back to his parents. And if you've given him a key, take it back!

Oh @Girlgamer I'm glad you came back to the thread, I was getting really worried. Just echoing what many others have said. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this is for the best. This is not the kind of man that would give you the relationship you deserve long term.

He was a bully, controlling, manipulative, coercive.

He tried to railroad you, then threatened you with breaking up when you dared to stand up for yourself. This understandably raised huge red flags here on MN. Enough of us have been with men like this, and believe me, I speak from experience, you don't want to be in a long term relationship with a man like that.

I didn't have your strength, and ended up very quickly living together, then soon after, married to a man who physically and emotionally abused me. It was a living hell.

Once you've gotten over the breakup, and you've enjoyed your time, and perhaps meet a decent man in the future, you'll realise that you dodged a bullet here.

All the best to you x

You want a relationship. He doesn't.

Incompatible. Simples.

Well done for not caving, OP. I echo what others have said, this man is a bully and he would very quickly have made your life hell. Block him everywhere, do not entertain any conversation with him, like PP, I don't think he is done. He will try and love bomb you and be a bit more subtle next time, but men like this do not change. They just change strategy. You have not lost anything, instead, you have made yourself available to date a kind, decent, respectful, good-to-the-bone man that you deserve to be with. x

This. In spades.

Well done on putting your foot down and binning this cocklodger. Change the locks, block him on all channels and enjoy the peace and freedom of no unwanted houseguests

@Girlgamer

I know it may not feel like it, but you dodged a HUGE bullet. And you will heal.

For now, give yourself some time to get over this. Emotions may hit you and that's OK. Just let the waves roll over you, they'll soon lessen then go away.

But, don't be surprised if you hear from him. He may think you'll be so devastated that you'll let him back in. Don't. But equally, don't be surprised if you hear he's rapidly moved on to his next 'victim'. And if he does, remember that it truly IS him, not you.

Well done OP. You are much better off without him in your life.

So glad you stood your ground OP you don’t need this useless baggage.

Well done for sticking to your guns. Once in, he would have got his feet under the table very smartly and you'd have found yourself playing the role of Chief Cook and Bottlewasher forever more.

@PointsSouth
You're being a condescending arsehole with the people skills of Monday's leftover doner.

...that's an insult.
😂😂
That's not bad!
I'll keep that one!

@Shelley108 don't be too hard on yourself. If you're a decent do the right thing person it can take a looong time to accept that other people are the opposite and masquerading in order to con you.

If he can go from wanting to move in with you because he presumably loves you, (how bloody dare he presume that you'd be ok with that without a conversation), to dumping you because you've said no then you've got yourself a win there!
How long were you together?

Lucky escape. Don't let him back in.

Just remember when you have weak moments that this was not about him moving in because he loved you and wanted to take it to the next level and that he ended it because he was hurt because he loved you and you wouldn't offer the next stage of commitment.

He ended it because he wanted to live with you for convenience and you didn't go along with it.

Really good that you found out your value to him before any major commitment took place. Its normal to want to be valued for who you are, not what you can offer another person. Controlling yes, but also what arrogance to move in like that in the first place, and then to make such demands. You did the right thing, no matter how hard it feels in the moment, you are worth so much more than this.

OP should bookmark this thread because when he comes sniffing around again she can remind herself of the wise words offered. The words will be the same and so will he.

If it was interested in a relationship he would have just said sorry and moved out and still continued the relationship.
You know in your heart he’s after a roof over his head, one that he can start dictating the rules and being the main man of the house.
Beware his attempt to get back with you (have another go at getting you housing him).

Do NOT take him back!!!