Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

It must be a relief to be shot of someone so lacking in manners and emotional intelligence. What a loser.

I agree with this and hope for your sake that he keeps his word.

Hopefully, in time, you'll realise the favour he's done you amd wonder why you even still wanted him in your life.

Absolutely this! I’m also confident he’ll be back at some point to magnanimously offer you the opportunity to apologise profusely for your terrible behaviour and make it up to him. He then may graciously allow you to continue the relationship, with the balance of power shifted very consciously in his favour.

Your determination in standing your ground on this must have been horrendously difficult, and many wouldn’t have managed it, you’re an absolute star and deserve so much more. Please don’t ever allow him back in your life 🙏🏻❤️

Please don’t allow him back into your life OP he sounds awful. He will definitely turn this around and punish you so you end up making it up to him. Well done for kicking him out but keep going……please!

There is no one more in love than a man desperate for somewhere to live.

Don't take him back. He's controling, manipulative and doesn't respect you or love you.

OP look into a freedom program. This guy is abusive and you still don't want to break up with him. He tried to blackmail you and moved in without you saying so!

I hope in time you come to see this man for what he really is and thank your lucky stars you escaped.

I don’t think there’s anything more to say other than this. Brilliant advice, very well written too. You would have found yourself with so many problems later down the line OP, this man is fit to be a partner to no one and that I can assure you. Let his mother have him.

Well by the time I got on to this thread, and read through, he's been and gone.
You have done really well.
I agree with another reply about being concerned as to why after that and getting him out of your place, you still wanted to continue with him.

I have a friend who had the same happen to her. Her ex used to stay over, then one day he just came and never left. She was flattered I think and glad for the financial support that was dangled.
After going through a bad and difficult break up with her ex husband. She had kids though. Anyway he was all lovey dovey did things together nice, I think within that same year or the next at the most, he walked her to the solicitors to start his visa application 🤦‍♀️ the solicitor even said go home and talk about this, the bf said no we will go ahead 🤦‍♀️ and made a payment got things rolling.
After getting his first visa she realised things were wrong changing etc. He wasn't being a proper partner.
So when it came to the next visa being due, as you get 2.5 years each time, she said she did not want to go through with it, and he tried to strangle her 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ she did not call the police or take action since.
Anyway she went through with it. Things got worse, he did not want to spend time with her alone always with others. Yes he paid towards household things but that's normal plus he had to because of the visa. Anyway because of a few reasons the visa expired and he hadn't reapplied in time, and this complicated his route to indefinite leave.
Anyway despite a gap which he was then an overstayer this lovely country and because she was forced to do it, let him have another visa.
And 48 hrs before he left he told her he was leaving the country not coming back, but they could still be friends 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ she was there in a state saying so if I call you will pick up etc.
He had made it clear for a long time he needs to find a girl back home.
She took the friends part as still clinging on to him, so she has been contacting him she still wants him after all that, so sad.
But he is being sketchy, most recently she got a bit fed up with the way he acts.
She has said a few times that maybe if he didn't find what he is looking for he will come back 🤦‍♀️ so what, she is second best.
It is agreed that he has left when he did to allow himself time to return, as he has just over 2 years to do that.
I have also told her that he will only keep in with her or come to her if he comes back, because he wants another visa.
It's a hopeless situation.

Me too, he’s clearly had one objective in mind, to move in regardless of your wishes.
He sounds like a very nasty piece of work to me.

I am sorry you have been hurt but he showed you his true character, which was not pleasant. Moving in together is a big step and requires discussion first, it isn’t a unilateral decision.well done on sticking to your guns.

This is exactly right.
He's shown you that he has no respect for your wishes and doesn't value your opinions. He sounds incredibly selfish and controlling.
I know you're probably hurting following the end of the relationship but he's genuinely done you a favour. Take him at his word and don't let him back into your life.

It might feel rubbish now, but honestly in a year you'll look back and think what a lucky escape.

He would've leached from you and you'd not have been able to get rid. Well done.

Honestly OP, I think you've had a lucky escape here, even though it might not seem that way yet. He cannot go around issuing ultimatums like that.

Me too. I hope you take some time to be single and find out that you don't actually need a man. Then, if you decide you want one, you can see his type a mile off.

Consider this a bullet dodged. It's helpful when the trash takes itself out!

So sorry, this must be difficult for you. But honestly you are better off without him!

@Girlgamer im sorry your hurting, but he really has done you a massive favour

behaviour like this is not at all normal- well for a normal decent person. He’s nothing of the sort. Behaviour like this IS normal for a manipulative, controlling and abusive bastard.

had you rolled over on this, in time, over the next few MONTHS (only) your life would have been ruined, your self esteem destroyed and you’d have been trapped by all the psychological damage he’d have done.

i dare say this relationship moved quickly, that he showered you in love and attention and you felt drawn to him.

it’s a mask, it’s a move. He overegged the pudding tho, he went too early and it very nearly worked, you were wobbling.

Do yourself the biggest kindness ever and block him on everything, don’t ever allow him back. He’s a bad man. A very bad man and one who is potentially even dangerous

i know it sounds alarmist, but who the fuck does this? Think! Who would behave like this and threaten you unless you did what he was telling you to do? And who ended it thinking that would get him what he wanted?

not a man who loves you? A man who does this doesn’t even LIKE you! He loathes women deep down. Never allow him another second of your life.

we’re all here for you, please talk to us and don’t ever contact him again.

This!

He basically said it is his way or no way. Be glad the rubbish took itself out.

This is astonishing! Oh to have the confidence of a mediocre male.

Well done OP, stay strong.

Dear OP, I'm sorry you have been through this but although it probably doesn’t feel like it at the moment, you will come out of this as an even stronger person. I am another one who thinks you have dodged a bullet and a field of red flags here.
I can’t remember if anyone else has already suggested this but I think you would really benefit from doing the Freedom Programme. It would really help you to see what sort of man you were dealing with here. And more importantly how to avoid getting tangled up with someone like that in the future.
I wish you all the very best, you’ve got this. 💐

He looks a right idiot now back at mums after just one night 🤣 he’ll have to unpack all of his stuff again.

OP he will definitely try to come back soon, DONT let him. He’s looking for accommodation.

Oh no OP, you have yourself a cocklodger. I had one myself a few years back. Kick him out asap. He’s absolutely overstepped the mark.

You didn't want to break up, bur you didn't want to move forward either OP. Remember that. Don't crack,and give in, or go backwards - move firwards without him and his ultimatums.

Yup, he wasn’t bright enough to bide his time a bit more, thank goodness, but he will be back to try again once he’s thought you’ve learnt your lesson, as a pp said.

Don’t cave. A normal reasonable man would,

A. Never have tried to move in without discussing it first.
B. Would never blackmail you into letting you stay
C. Would love you enough to be patient until you are ready. Not move out.
D. Not attempt to be a controlling dick!