Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

Oh I hope you’re ok @Girlgamer Its the right thing to have happened but you probably feel awful right now.

But he’s shown you who he is, so it was better to learn that sooner rather than later.

I hope you’ve got things going on which can take you out of yoursefl, and some friends to look after you.

Omg the man was a hobosexuP by the sounds of.it! My ex tried to do the same without asking AND I have kids. I kicked him straight back out because its me.and my.babies in the tenancy, who the hell did he.tjink he is..in the end he said he needed a roof over his head! He also said he was happy to share bills.but he never contributed to anything when he was eating all my.kods food AND making the house a tip. He also never contributed towards things for our child. So happy that I stuck to Mt guns and got therapy after

Absolutely this. Hes shown you he has zero respect for your boundaries.

Please don’t let yourself be drawn back in with emotional blackmail

He will be back when he thinks he has taught you a lesson

Definitely this.

I know you didn't want to break up but, in time, you'll see that you've dodged a bullet. He is clearly controlling, and threatening to end the relationship when you don't give in to his demands is incredibly manipulative. This isn't the behaviour of a good partner and you're better off finding out now than being trapped with him down the line.

I’m also concerned he will come marching back when he thinks you’re desperate enough to let him move in.

I know it hurts, but if he really loved you and cared for you, he would have wanted to still see you without living together.

OP, the last few days have been a real shock for you. When things settle in the days ahead, I hope you realise that splitting is for the best. Well done for sticking to your guns.

Please remember that these kind of people will come back after radio silence. It hurts you and he will use that to manipulate his way back in, he will also blame you because you stuck to boundaries.

Well done, OP.

It will take time for you to realise that by standing up to his coercion, you have done yourself a huge favour.
But for now, you are vulnerable because he still needs a place to stay and a woman to look after him. He will be back to persuade you he loves you.
Please hold your nerve. It would have been a very uncomfortable sort of relationship with him using you.
When he comes back, send him away again and tell him he can try again with you when he has something to offer equal to what he sees you can offer him.
Tell him that what you can offer him isn't just his for the taking when it’s convenient to him, as you aren’t as daft as he thinks you are.

Good for you OP! Future you will definitely thank you for this. Stay strong 💪🏻

What everyone else has said. ^
You don't know how lucky you have been. You'll probably never know how lucky you have been. A man like that has the potential to do real harm.

Read up on Sexually Transmitted Debt and then remember STD is the least bad thing that could have happened if you'd let him move in.

100% this

Who wants to bet with me he'll be messaging in about a week offering OP "the change to reconsider"?

Awww @Girlgamer it’s a horrible thing to happen and the way this came out of nowhere is rotten. I can’t understand how he thought not discussing it was an option, that’s mad. And if he’d been kicked out, he should have asked if he could stay for a while until sorted and not turn it into a way in. A lucky escape, but doesn’t stop the anguish. Hope you feel better soon.

Well done you. He was only after getting his feet under the table. You were not serving his needs so he has gone to look for another victim.

how are you feeling?

I’m sure you are hurt right now, sending a hug. Well done for standing strong and not letting this man trample over your boundaries. You clearly cared about this man and had adifferent hope for your relationship. But I hope once the dust settles you will be able to see clearly that this man was a user - he did not care about your wishes or opinions, only his own. In fact from the outside it is clear for others to see that he has huge potential to be a very controlling and abusive partner. Well done for stopping him in his tracks early.

He will come crawling back in a week or two, after he thinks he’s punished you enough with some silent treatment. He’ll think you’ll be begging to take him back. He’ll probably have all sorts of promises to change, but please don’t fall for it - he will still just be looking for a woman with a home that he can take advantage of. This man will never be capable of an equal and loving relationship. Please stand strong and don’t fall for it. X

Did he ever give you a reason he needed to move in right then?

I am sorry you feel hurt, but you should be so proud of yourself for keeping to your boundaries. That took bravery and guts, so kudos to you!

I hope you can spend time with some friends that can keep you busy and social.

Probably doesn’t feel like it right now but he’s not somebody you want to be with, pays no attention to your wants and needs, does as he pleases without consulting you, decides on a major move with no discussion! To immediately tell you it’s over because you don’t fall in with his plans is the biggest red flag! You’ve absolutely done the right thing.

Well done op 👍 you have had a very lucky escape. He was manipulative and used emotional blackmail to get you to back down and let him stay.

I wish I’d done the same 18 years ago, now here I am with 2 kids, separated and he left because I finally stood up to him 😢 I wasn’t strong enough to have boundaries at the beginning as I’d recently come out of a relationship with an overt narcissist only to end up with a covert narcissist 😭 he wouldn’t give me space at the beginning and I should have walked away.

I can’t believe I was so stupid 😭

From one hotel to another!

Hell no, fuck that off right away. My narc ex did the same and I went with it thinking it would be ok. Worst, most abusive time of my life.

Just read your update and I'm so pleased you stood up to it. Wish I had all those years ago.

In the meantime you can get your lock replaced and not feel under an immediate urgency to get that done. I would still get the lock replaced though.

Dump him. This is bonkers. I fear for what else he may seize control of next.

You have dodged such a bullet.
However, you may not have seen the last of him, he may yet come back claiming he was hurt, devastated, thought you'd be delighted, only wanted to be with you.

This is not a good man.
Stay away from him.
He will you nothing but grief.
I too believe he needed a bed, parents kicked him out? Who knows!

It sure as hell was self interest and nothing to do with you.
Stay strong.

Don't let him back into your life. Him ending the relationship is fake. He is pressuring you and will expect to come back when you give in to him. It's a walking red flag. Block him. Tell him you've moved on. Don't speak to him again. This man is a human cancer that will eat you from the inside if you continue with him.