Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

That was after he announced that he was moving in though. Normally, couples discuss future plans together, rather than make a decision without the other's input, which is what this thread is about.

Half of what? Utilities and food…. What about rent? And if he pays rent, then there needs to be a formal agreement that makes it clear he has no claim on the property. But the fact is - he WASN’T INVITED!

I could pitch up at a dear friend’s or my sister’s, say ‘surprise’ (I’m honouring you with my presence and moving in) and offer to pay for bills and it would be no different: and the friend/sister would be equally entitled to tell me to eff right off where I came from.

A couple make major life decisions like moving in together with discussion and a joint decision.

For the one who doesn’t own the property to make a unilateral decision that he’s living in is jut a nice surprise - it’s CFery at its finest.

Seriously, don't tell her to "stop being so wet" - she might be very young and inexperienced in life. I can imagine being confused etc in such a situation when I was young
No. If she was young it's time someone told her to stand up for herself. If she's not, then it's about time she did.

Hope you are OK OP. It must have been such a shock to have this happen and as a result to have your whole relationship soured. I imagine it must also be quite overwhelming to read pages and pages of messages from people telling what you should do. None of this is your fault and I hope you are OK.

Sorry - I didn't read every comment - did he have a dustup with his parents?

It's quite funny, really. He's the one who lives with his mum, yet he thinks he can call the shots.

Of all of the CF threads I've read, this is possibly the cheekiest.

Like wtaf?!

In what world is that ok/acceptable. It's the then leaving the relationship that seals it. Like, maybe (just maybe) it might have been an ill-advised and poorly executed attempt at doing something nice, but no, he's actually a complete tosser

How are you @Girlgamer ??
I hope you got things sorted?!

The fact he’s blackmailing with a ‘if I have to move out it’s over’ …. Suggests you mean very little to him! Most people in love would apologise for jumping the gun and go back to dating… He hoping to be a cocklodger!

Maybe his mum forgot to iron his boxers?

But seriously, I can't believe what I jus read OP! Please dump him.

You already know the answer to this. The fact you felt you have to ask others’ opinions is concerning. This implies a total lack of self belief and that you are being walked over. Probably not only by him
if you’re honest with yourself.

You tell him straight that what he did wasn’t simply a ‘surprise’ it was a shock and out of order. You aren’t ready to cohabit. He needs to move back out, until (if!) you are ready.

i feel awful saying this as I don’t know either of you, but he’s made quite a narcissistic move. If he
reacts badly then that’s a clear indication of his personality and a huge red flag. If he apologises for misreading the situation, takes his belongings away again, and happy to continue as before then fine, chalk it up to a misjudgement.

My money’s on mummy and daddy have had enough and slung his adult butt out! It doesn’t make him your problem. Don’t be used!

He isn’t homeless though, he could go back to his parents, where he was before.

You are not one of few people left with empathy and compassion at all.

This man is a chancer, and may have been grooming the OP for some time, for all we know.

If you genuinely would go along with this situation if it had happened to you, then please seek some help before you are badly taken advantage of.

Quite unbelievable the number of women on Mumsnet who seem to believe being single would be so much worse than being in crap relationships with crap men.

This is absolutely outrageous OP.

You definitely need to get him out and end the relationship.

He has been manipulative by just turning up - awful start to a life together. And he says he'll dump you if he has to leave - so now he's trying to force you to do as he wants with threats.

What an utter piece of shit. Get rid. Cut contact. Do not continue dating this utter selfish, manipulative man child.

I bet he just had an argument with his parents.

Not RTFT but the audacity! Baffling

How are you today @Girlgamer ? Been thinking of you and hope all is ok x

I'm getting the horrible feeling he's talked you round...

But even if he has, you can still change your mind - say 'This doesn't work for me'. You don't need to explain or justify or persuade or 'give sufficient reasons' - just not wanting to is enough.

Hope you're okay.

Feels a little like the start of a controlling relationship. There was a thread on here only a week or so ago about a woman whos partner moved in and then refused to pay his way and she was going through hell trying to kick him out! This is your home, your space, get rid and set clear boundaries (if you do want to stay with him).

No fucking way! Stay strong OP, he has zero respect for you. If he says the relationship is over if you stand your ground, just agree with him that it’s over and then change the locks.

@Girlgamer did he turn up? How did he take it when you said he couldn't stay?

Wow. Just wow.
A lot of women who own their home on their own, now get their partner to pay them rent because it actually protects against later claims of shared property.
But that is the least of your immediate concerns. He's wrapped in one giant red flag. No, no, no, no.
You need to get him out and keep him out.

This is what I want to know. I'm guessing 30s/40s with parents at their wits end trying to get him to fly the nest.

To be completely honest this would make me question the relationship.

Edit: Oh I see he tried to give you an ultimatum. I would accept the ultimatum and agree that it’s over. He sounds like a hobosexual.

This guy is a creep. I hope you are OK.

He's threatening to end the relationship? You end it first. You don't need a tosser like this taking over. He's already gaslighting you. Please let us know you are OK.