Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do my parents in law want to kidnap my baby? Need advice

221 replies

Saskia98 · 01/06/2024 18:27

For context, I’m a FTM to a 3 month old. My partner and I are both 25. I’m English and my partner and his parents are Romanian (they’ve lived in England for past 15 years). LO has partners surname and as we are not yet married I don’t have his surname at the moment. This means LO has same surname as my partner and his parents but not me. LO will be having a British passport but partner also wants him having a Romanian passport so it’s easier for when he wants to travel in EU. I don’t quite know the benefits of having 2 passports, so any information on this would be appreciated.

I’ve posted about my parents in law previously, (to put shortly, my mil has made continuous ‘jokes’ about taking LO to their country without me, she’s made ‘jokes’ that he’s her baby not mine, her and fil have told my partner to break up with me throughout our relationship, even when I was pregnant, and would say to me “you look after the baby when he’s in your stomach and we’ll look after him when he’s here”. His mum constantly kept taking over with LO, even saying she needs to do his bath or at least supervise me incase I get water in his ears. These are just a few issues I’ve had with them. It honestly felt like she only wanted me out of the picture and to be a surrogate for my own child so she can have him. This is never going to happen. I finally set boundaries around a month ago and we only see them once every week or 2 now. My partner sticks up for me for the most part on the situation but we’ve had many arguments in private as he doesn’t see what his mums done wrong and think I’m being unreasonable.

I need some advice on the following situation as I’m TERRIFIED that one day they’ll try to kidnap my son. My partner and I was round their house with LO and we were talking about passport pictures for baby. FIL asks how long it takes for LO’s passport to arrive (we haven’t applied for one yet). He then asked if nowadays it would be his own separate passport or an extension from the parents one. We said a separate passport and he asked what if one parent wanted to take LO away without the other parent. My MIL states how you need permission from the other parent to take them away. I don’t know how she would know this unless she’s researched into it and my FIL asking this is the first place out of the blue is concerning to me.

Is there any way my partners parents can take LO away without me or partner? Can they just pretend they’re his parents as they have his surname and are in early 40’s so could be young enough to pass as having a baby. Can they fake a permission letter? What documents are needed when taking a baby abroad and what checks are done? I need some reassurance or advice as I don’t know how to approach this.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
DullFanFiction · 01/06/2024 21:55

Btw, if you get baby their own British passport, and they have one from Romania, you will need to send in the Romanian passport.
Baby will have to travel with BOTH passports.

Which means travel would get much harder if you have it with you!

LakeTiticaca · 01/06/2024 22:06

No absolutely don't let them have your DC on their own. I agree about quietly getting a Brirish passport and keep in a safe location x

Kosenrufugirl · 01/06/2024 22:12

Chypre · 01/06/2024 19:27

Having 2 passports is indeed beneficial. He will then be able to travel to/from EU as EU national, without the horrid queue and biometric checks, and enjoy free college/university in select EU countries like Denmark, Germany.

Edited

The university is far too long in the future. I would say don't get your baby a passport at all. They don't need it unless you are planning to go abroad. You only need a birth certificate to apply for school

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/06/2024 22:16

Fab238 · 01/06/2024 19:39

I don't think you get their sense of humour.

Neither do I but that's because it isn't funny in the slightest

Grapesgrapes · 01/06/2024 22:17

Change your baby's surname and double barrel it with yours. Or just change it to yours.

Havingawobbley · 01/06/2024 22:23

I'd take a nice few hours out on your own in the near future and pop into the police station and ask their advice on what can be done.

I'd also sit on getting a passport until you need one specifically.

Fab238 · 01/06/2024 22:25

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/06/2024 22:16

Neither do I but that's because it isn't funny in the slightest

Show quote history

You know some folks have really dark sense of humour. May not be to your or my taste, but it definitely exists.

KentishMama · 01/06/2024 22:30

I think you're coming across as quite xenophobic here, and I wonder if you'd react the same way if your partner's parents were, say, Australian? Or Canadian? It sounds like you have some serious communication issues with them, some of which might be cultural. Why not try to learn a bit more about "typical" family dynamics in their home country, so that you can understand where they are coming from, and have some open communication about differences in expectations/ behaviours?

However - if you get passports, then make sure they are in a safe place that only you can access until you've succeeded in building a more trusting relationship.

Scrollbreadroll · 01/06/2024 22:32

I’m pretty sure that if they have the same surname as your child they can take him abroad and if they look young enough to be his parents it probably wouldn’t be questioned. Technically they should have a letter of permission, but that would normally only be asked for if it’s obvious they aren’t his parents or if they have a different surname.

SneezedToothOut · 01/06/2024 22:35

I’m English and my partner and his parents are Romanian (they’ve lived in England for past 15 years). LO has partners surname and as we are not yet married I don’t have his surname at the moment. This means LO has same surname as my partner and his parents but not me.

I have absolutely no idea why women agree to do this. (Married to DH for 7 years when DD came along - she still got my surname and his as a middle name.)

He’s young enough to change his name, either to yours or to a double barrel. Would suggest you address this ASAP.

CannotWaitToBeFree · 01/06/2024 22:46

change babys surname. Keep hold of legal docs eg birth certificate. Do not apply for any passport atm. Really not needed at this age. Very worrying op

Echobelly · 01/06/2024 22:47

I'm getting more vibes of cultural difference than likely kidnappers here. I somehow don't think someone planning to abduct your child would be telling you so. Maybe more likely a cultural mismatch of humour and expected levels of grandparent involvement? And yes, she does sound a bit batty as well, but not a flight risk.

Could your DH have a word with her and say all these 'jokes' are getting a bit wearing and stressful and that it's not normal here for grandparents to swoop in so much, that it makes you feel kind of suffocated?

OnceICaughtACold · 01/06/2024 22:48

If this is a genuine concern then I would recommend:

Phone Reunite, they’re a charity which know more about family abduction than anyone else does. They will give you good advice. https://www.reunite.org/

Apply for both his British and Romanian passports, and keep them very securely (you may want to leave them with your trusted family or friend). Don’t avoid getting the passports, because someone could behind your back.

Basically, if you are genuinely worried, then yes it’s right to take steps to protect him.

But I also think you should talk this through with someone in real life who can help you work out whether this is something you need to worry about. Your health visitor would be a good first step.

Reunite | International Child Abduction Centre | Child Abduction Charity

Reunite International Child Abduction Centre are the leading UK charity specialising in the movement of children across international borders.

https://www.reunite.org/

MissAtomicBomb1 · 01/06/2024 22:48

KentishMama · 01/06/2024 22:30

I think you're coming across as quite xenophobic here, and I wonder if you'd react the same way if your partner's parents were, say, Australian? Or Canadian? It sounds like you have some serious communication issues with them, some of which might be cultural. Why not try to learn a bit more about "typical" family dynamics in their home country, so that you can understand where they are coming from, and have some open communication about differences in expectations/ behaviours?

However - if you get passports, then make sure they are in a safe place that only you can access until you've succeeded in building a more trusting relationship.

I've read the OPs posts and don't think she's coming across as xenophobic at all.
My best friend married an Australian and has had
an absolute nightmare with the custody system over there where the legal system is very patriarchal. I think, unfortunately this fear and uncertainty is the reality for some couples when they have kids with someone of a different nationality.

CannotWaitToBeFree · 01/06/2024 22:51

Id also look for another place to rent so they cant hold that over you

Coco1379 · 01/06/2024 22:56

Get your son put on your passport asap.

SneezedToothOut · 01/06/2024 22:56

Coco1379 · 01/06/2024 22:56

Get your son put on your passport asap.

That’s not how it works in the UK.

MMmomDD · 01/06/2024 23:07

OP - you are being a little paranoid here.
Your PIL live in the UK foe a reason. They don’t want to go back to Romania as
life there is not as comfortable as it is here. And they will not be kidnaping your baby.
In their culture - families play a huge role in helping raise the children. It’s not a bad thing. Extended families are great for children.
You are on high alert because you are of different culture. But it doesn't need to be this way. You can relax a bit and appreciate the help they will provide as your child grows up a bit.
You are only 25. So - very young. Presumably you wont be staying at home and not ever working. PIL will be a great help to you one day.
All of you need to calm down.

AdaColeman · 01/06/2024 23:27

I agree that you should change the baby's surname to your name, do this as soon as possible.
Also, get a passport for your child and keep it securely away from your home.

This will help you to feel that your baby is safe, and that you have done what you can to protect your baby, so you will be able to relax and enjoy these early months with your baby.

Santasjingleballs · 01/06/2024 23:35

Why don’t you learn about the Romanian culture ? Have you visited Romania ?
its an Eastern European thing where the grandchildren are also raised by the grandparents.
but if your worried speak to your boyfriend and explain that you feel uncomfortable……

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 00:30

She sounds overbearing. I don't think its specifically a cultural thing you need to adapt to as there are plenty of tales on here of overbearing British mothers in law (NAMilALT). Culture might be playing a part but even though extended family and grandparents being interested in the child is great - you are the mother not them. If anything my experience of Eastern Europeans and Romanians in particular is they are more direct than English people. So quite possibly a Romanium DiL would have told your mother in law to piss off a lot sooner and there would have been an argument but boundaries would have been established.

I don't think the risk of kidnap is that big. MiL constantly trying to take over or undermine you is though. Just in case- Romania is signed up the Hague convention which is a massive help. You can also make sure you write your name and details in the emergency contact section at the back of the baby's passport when you get it. You are meant to fill it out anyway but its an extra piece of info for passport control if anyone else tries to say they are the parent.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 00:36

Normally once children can speak passport control will address them directly "and what's your name, is this your mummy?" For a baby its of course harder but they always used to look really carefully at his passport when I travelled with him.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/06/2024 01:07

There is a saying ' many a true word is spoken in jest '

I am old enough to be your mother, and indeed I have a dd approx your age.
and if i thought she was genuine in her fears, I would tell her to run.

do you think you are getting married to your partner one day ?

where are your parents / family if you have any
if you do have family - how far away are they ?
what do they think of all this ?

is it possible you have pnd or anything similar ?

why did you allow him to have his name on baby's birth certificate, and why did you allow baby's name to be his ?

do his parents go on holiday to Romania ?
do they have property there ?

why is there so much talk about a passport ?
do you have a holiday booked ?
do you have a passport ?

who has access to baby's birth certificate ?

you have been given good advice and contact details for reunite - contact them.

and tell your partner and his parents that you do not find their sense of humour funny, and to stop with the jokes - if they are jokes...