Do my parents in law want to kidnap my baby? Need advice

[Saskia98]

For context, I’m a FTM to a 3 month old. My partner and I are both 25. I’m English and my partner and his parents are Romanian (they’ve lived in England for past 15 years). LO has partners surname and as we are not yet married I don’t have his surname at the moment. This means LO has same surname as my partner and his parents but not me. LO will be having a British passport but partner also wants him having a Romanian passport so it’s easier for when he wants to travel in EU. I don’t quite know the benefits of having 2 passports, so any information on this would be appreciated.

I’ve posted about my parents in law previously, (to put shortly, my mil has made continuous ‘jokes’ about taking LO to their country without me, she’s made ‘jokes’ that he’s her baby not mine, her and fil have told my partner to break up with me throughout our relationship, even when I was pregnant, and would say to me “you look after the baby when he’s in your stomach and we’ll look after him when he’s here”. His mum constantly kept taking over with LO, even saying she needs to do his bath or at least supervise me incase I get water in his ears. These are just a few issues I’ve had with them. It honestly felt like she only wanted me out of the picture and to be a surrogate for my own child so she can have him. This is never going to happen. I finally set boundaries around a month ago and we only see them once every week or 2 now. My partner sticks up for me for the most part on the situation but we’ve had many arguments in private as he doesn’t see what his mums done wrong and think I’m being unreasonable.

I need some advice on the following situation as I’m TERRIFIED that one day they’ll try to kidnap my son. My partner and I was round their house with LO and we were talking about passport pictures for baby. FIL asks how long it takes for LO’s passport to arrive (we haven’t applied for one yet). He then asked if nowadays it would be his own separate passport or an extension from the parents one. We said a separate passport and he asked what if one parent wanted to take LO away without the other parent. My MIL states how you need permission from the other parent to take them away. I don’t know how she would know this unless she’s researched into it and my FIL asking this is the first place out of the blue is concerning to me.

Is there any way my partners parents can take LO away without me or partner? Can they just pretend they’re his parents as they have his surname and are in early 40’s so could be young enough to pass as having a baby. Can they fake a permission letter? What documents are needed when taking a baby abroad and what checks are done? I need some reassurance or advice as I don’t know how to approach this.

And I think you're an arse for posting this comment twice.

There's no humour in this - red flags all over the place.

The replies from the posters telling the op it's a joke or that she's bring paranoid or prejudiced are probably from the same people who would blame her for ignoring the massive red flags should the worst happen.

@Saskia98 trust your instincts, its not worth the risk.

Before I even opened this thread, I knew it was you as soon as I saw the title.

You and your husband need to move away from your in laws. You won’t feel settled until you do.

I would report this to the health visitor or police even. How dare they intrude into your life like this. If it is a joke it is pretty messed up. You don't want your child being caught in the middle of these silly games your in laws have made up. Can you begin to imagine all of the things she would be whispering in his ear as he grows up. Mummys mean, mummys this or that, don't tell your mum etc. Keeping secrets. Once a week seeing them is way too often. I would say once a month if that. No contact preferably! They are very dangerous. Even if they don't ever seriously intend to take your baby they are really messing with you psychologically and ruining what should be a special precious time.. the newborn and baby stage. I feel angry for you. Your partner needs to lay down some serious boundaries and shut down all of their ridiculous comments. He needs to take control of this before it gets any worse.

Having EU citizenship is hugely beneficial to your child, and in that regard, they are extremely fortunate. It will open up a range of options that are now no longer available to UK citizens.

You should have given your child your own surname. If it was that important to your partner that his child had his surname, he should have married you.

Personally, I would be getting both passports and keeping control of them myself, together with obtaing legal advice with regard to travel/abduction prevention. Was the birth registered at the Romanian Consulate?

Passports have a page for 'observations' OP at least British ones do.

Now I don't know how you go about getting an observation put in to a passport but it may be possible to have your name there, something like, Mother of child is Joan Smith (obviously your name).

You can apply for Irish passport despite never being in the country so the same applies for Romanian

Come on. It's a Romanian passport. There is also no big movement of UK people working skilled jobs in Europe. They stick to the UK or can apply for a visa like they do for other countries

I agree with this and have exactly the same reasons for wanting my DC to have a British and a EU- country passport. For context my DP is British and I am from a EU country.
But if you are genuinely worried about your PIL then have a conversation with your DP and discuss giving your DC your surname as well?

Romania has signed treaty under The Hague convention.
this is something you should look into for the future.
id be inclined to just get him a British passport and keep it somewhere safe that only you are aware of.

That’s not true. We have dual nationality and can travel on either passport. The benefit to travelling with the 2 passports is you beat the enhanced inspections. The deal is you show the British passport to the Brits and the EU passport to the EU country. If you show the ‘wrong’ passport, expect a lot of questions and then the passport of the corresponding country is like a magic wand dissipating them.

It is a real shame that you gave your baby his surname. I would keep the documents very safe and not in the house as they don’t sound safe. Time to put some serious boundaries up and be clear about what you will and won’t accept. They don’t care about trashing your boundaries at all so they need to be stronger.

Just wanted to say, OP, that I don’t think you’re over reacting . Your in-laws sound crazy and I’d reduce contact with them even more. When they are around, don’t let them handle your child too much and time his naps to coincide with their visits so he has maybe only 5-10 mins with them around.

They can apply for a passport without you if they have cooperation from your DH so make sure you are absolutely clear and firm that you do not want him to have a passport yet. Alternatively, pre-empt them and apply for one yourself without their knowledge and keep it under secure lock and key so even your DH doesn’t have access.

Next time they come over, be firm and assertive with them wherever your LO is concerned. If they try to take over or give advice just tell them you don’t need it and take over. Let them know they are guests only and have no authority over how you do things with your child. Over time, they’ll back down hopefully.

Hi @Saskia98,

I'm really sorry that you are having to cope with this. Your ILs sound really awful.

If you are really concerned that they might actually kidnap your child then you should ask for help from the police or a lawyer. You can get advice from a lawyer if you phone the free legal helpline on your home insurance.

Then it would be worth reading a book called "Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage"

You need to get your DH to understand how serious this is and to get him on your side. Then you need to get him setting really strong boundaries with his parents.

They can't be alone with your child or telling you what to do, or controlling you. If they carry on behaving this then you will have to break off contact with them.

I can hear that you are a very gentle kind person, and you are going to have to learn to be very tough with your ILs and stand no nonsense whatsoever.

The tricky thing here is that if your DH doesn't understand, then the problem may break your marriage. If you get divorced then your DH could have your DC half the time without you, and then your ILs would have complete control of him in that time, so it is essential that you get your DH on side asap.

I think I would get extra help in, like a marriage councellor or a lawyer to help your DH to understand.

Good luck.

It’s true that they should have the other parent’s permission to travel but my kids have British passports and surnames from me and I have never, ever been asked for this on my way out of the UK.
If they get a Romanian citizenship for your child, they can get a passport. To get citizenship, they’ll need the birth certificate only.

If baby gets any passports I would just carefully keep them somewhere only I knew and produce them if needed for planned holidays. Obviously don’t hand them to the in laws but also wouldn’t tell my Dh where they are.

You should have given your baby your name- it might not be too late to change and you may not need anyone’s permission either. I’d think about it very strongly!! You can clearly say to your mil all those jokes about its your baby not mine, they made me really sensitive about not having the same name so we’ve changed baby’s name to mine, they are baby name op surname now.

Exactly this. I agree, not sure why the child has your partner’s name and not yours? Can this be rectified?
Whatever, get away from your not -yet in-laws. Follow the advice of @unsync above. What does your partner say to the way his parents are behaving?

Presumably the in laws have British psssports? In theory, try can travel with baby and his British passport regardless of Romanian nationality.

The Romanian passport won't make difference in that. If they than decide to stay there they will need a full birth certificate to prove parental link.
Also, I'm not sure re Romania but some countries' passports for children state the name of the parents, so if they do travel the U.K. passport will be the one to do it on, as that one does not.

Keep all documents safe. Don't agree for dp to travel with baby without you.

Apply for the passport without telling anyone (including your partner; sorry, but safety first) and hide it. Like, properly hide it outside of your home. Put a stop on any further passports being applied for.

I’m not a paranoid person but your story is ringing alarm bells.

Yeah @Fab238 I don’t get their sense of humour either. Could you please explain to me what part specifically is funny?

OP, I'm Romanian living in the UK so maybe I can add some colour to this. I have read your other thread too.

Your problem is only partly cultural. Grandparents play a HUGE part in Romanian families. Huge. I cannot emphasise this enough. I was basically partly raised by my grandparents. All of my friends back home get an enormous amount of help from their parents. For example, my best friend from childhood has an 8 month old now and she leaves the baby with her mother every Friday until Sunday evening so that her and her husband have the weekend. It's normal.

I'm about to have a baby and my parents think it is madness how little support women get in the UK. I think in a way they have a lot more respect for how hard babies can be. So you need to appreciate where they are coming from.

Also, another poster mentioned Romanians are a lot more direct and she was right. A Romanian DIL would have told them to piss off A LONG TIME AGO in absolutely no uncertain terms when they crossed a boundary. There might be some shouting but boundaries will be established. You may need to do that from time to time. You're the mother, you set the boundaries. Romanian men are in my opinion, mostly wet lettuces in these scenarios and yours is no different.

HOWEVER your PIL are also a bit batshit. My own parents would not act that way. Which is why it's very important you do the above and impose yourself. Who gives a shit if they think you're crazy or want to break you up. If your boyfriend is that weak, send him off on his merry way. He's a useless waste of space then. Grandparents have zero rights anyway, in the UK or Romania.

It's very unlikely they want to kidnap him. They came to the UK for a reason and likelihood is they will want the best for their grandson. However, just make sure you keep that passport in a safe place and they won't be able to do anything about it.

OP I had this so feel your distress.

At that time we were in the EU so no need for dual nationality. ILS live abroad and just wanted DS &DH to visit without me which I refused as he was a tiny baby.

Very much like your ILS. They said they should leave DS with them so I could work and it was common in their country that parents did this (ie move away for work leaving kids to live with grandparents).

ultimately this was the cause of our marriage breakdown because H backed MIL to the hilt.

I had to get reunite international involved for advice (they’re very good).

DS has EXDH name.not a big issue leaving country, we’re always stopped coming back. EXDH wrote permission letters when I took DS abroad. No one asked for them. DS/EXH never questioned when travelling together even though each had different nationality passport.

Boarder control is useless.

Exdh could not have applied for his country’s passport as there you need both parents’ signatures. Check the situation for Romanian nationality.

this sounds more like my situation in that ILS have a foreign DIL so you’ll always be lesser than them. They’ll consider your DC as Romanian rather than both.

However, this is making your life a misery and you’re fearful, so you need to get you and partner to put a stop to all this now.

years on and I’m a single parent. DS has just applied for his dad’s nationality passport (he’s older now, travels alone etc). So all good.

That's not my experience. We have travelled a lot with our three children (30+ long haul flights) and they have never been even asked a question. Literally not once.

Just to add. If you look at the requirements to get a Romanian passport from the London consulate, you will see that BOTH parents must be present to make the application (unless there is specific special paperwork in place) so he cannot get a Romanian passport without you.

And yes, your baby will have a lot more opportunities for work and travel if he has EU citizenship. But he can apply for that when he's older. I'm not bothering for my baby, he'll just have the British one for now. Too much paperwork for my liking.

@op a firm conversation about culturally appropriate boundaries might be what is needed. As much as you don't understand them, I bet it works both ways.

Let them know how you feel when they talk about taking your child and explain that this not the way we do it in the UK, hence your upset. Give them a chance to understand your point of view, if they won't then it's on them when you completely stop contact.

Oh and tell that Mummy's boy of a partner of yours to grow a spine and back you up, or he will be in the same boat as his parents.