Do my parents in law want to kidnap my baby? Need advice

[Saskia98]

For context, I’m a FTM to a 3 month old. My partner and I are both 25. I’m English and my partner and his parents are Romanian (they’ve lived in England for past 15 years). LO has partners surname and as we are not yet married I don’t have his surname at the moment. This means LO has same surname as my partner and his parents but not me. LO will be having a British passport but partner also wants him having a Romanian passport so it’s easier for when he wants to travel in EU. I don’t quite know the benefits of having 2 passports, so any information on this would be appreciated.

I’ve posted about my parents in law previously, (to put shortly, my mil has made continuous ‘jokes’ about taking LO to their country without me, she’s made ‘jokes’ that he’s her baby not mine, her and fil have told my partner to break up with me throughout our relationship, even when I was pregnant, and would say to me “you look after the baby when he’s in your stomach and we’ll look after him when he’s here”. His mum constantly kept taking over with LO, even saying she needs to do his bath or at least supervise me incase I get water in his ears. These are just a few issues I’ve had with them. It honestly felt like she only wanted me out of the picture and to be a surrogate for my own child so she can have him. This is never going to happen. I finally set boundaries around a month ago and we only see them once every week or 2 now. My partner sticks up for me for the most part on the situation but we’ve had many arguments in private as he doesn’t see what his mums done wrong and think I’m being unreasonable.

I need some advice on the following situation as I’m TERRIFIED that one day they’ll try to kidnap my son. My partner and I was round their house with LO and we were talking about passport pictures for baby. FIL asks how long it takes for LO’s passport to arrive (we haven’t applied for one yet). He then asked if nowadays it would be his own separate passport or an extension from the parents one. We said a separate passport and he asked what if one parent wanted to take LO away without the other parent. My MIL states how you need permission from the other parent to take them away. I don’t know how she would know this unless she’s researched into it and my FIL asking this is the first place out of the blue is concerning to me.

Is there any way my partners parents can take LO away without me or partner? Can they just pretend they’re his parents as they have his surname and are in early 40’s so could be young enough to pass as having a baby. Can they fake a permission letter? What documents are needed when taking a baby abroad and what checks are done? I need some reassurance or advice as I don’t know how to approach this.

The fact that Romania is a signatory to The Hague Convention means nothing. Courts in Romania (particularly rural ones) have no idea what it is and will always side with the Romanian parent. If they try and keep your child there you will have a long, costly and possibly fruitless fight to get your child back to U.K.

In your favour is the fact that it’s not that straightforward to get a Romanian passport for the child if they weren’t born in Romania. But once the child is there it would be quite straightforward for your DP or his parents to do.

I would research the experience of women in the part of Romania where they have their second home/ wider family. Will the law and local services back you up if they refuse to return baby to you? (regardless of the Hague Convention).

Ive worked with lots of women in your situation and for whom things have got very complicated. If any of my children wanted to have a child with someone from another country I would make sure they had proper legal advice and made sure expectations were understood before going ahead.

That said, Romania is a beautiful country and your child will have amazing opportunties.

Yes and change the birth certificate.

I would definitely get the passport asap, as alternatively your partner could get passport without you knowing.

yes they’re hilarious. I would be in stitches if my husbands parents undermined and repeatedly concerned me by hinting at abducting my children. What a hoot! Seriously!

Dont get a Romanian passport. Don’t get British one until you need it and then keep it under lock and key far from your partner and parents.

you don’t need a passport until a trip abroad is imminent. My eldest is 11 and as we haven't holidayed abroad I only applied for theirs the other day.

How would either of them know the details of the other one’s parents to get a passport without anyone else knowing?

Having citizenship (or right to citizenship) and a passport are two different things. No need for any physical passports unless you're actually travelling. I'd hold off on the passports for now.

Never thought of that. Can you get one without his knowledge and keep it off site with someone trusted. I’d be afraid if you hit a rough patch your partner could be easily manipulated.

I don’t want to fuel your fear but I round excercise caution with the passport if you are genuinely concerned.

Technically a patent should have to carry a letter to say the child can travel without the other parent but…. I frequently travel solo from UK to EU with my son and we have different surnames as I didn’t change my name when I married. Only once have passport control questioned me and when I said I didn’t have a letter I was just told to remember to get one. So, in my very small sample size of 1, my experience is I’ll be asked for approx 1 in 15 journeys.

Are you going abroad.? I'd avoid getting passports until you are.

If you do get passports can you keep them with a family member you can trust?

I'd put off getting the Romanian one until dc is older. Do you trust your partner?

I think you would need to prepare yourself for a social service referral if you were to speak to the health visitor about this. I’m not really sure what a HV would be able to do apart from refer you on to speak to someone for emotional support for the feelings you are experiencing. I am not advocating to not speak to someone but as a former social worker I would be unsure of the outcome and it might not be great (that’s if the initial referral gets past the CADs team of course). I would just be weary, if this was shared with an inner-city Borough it’s likely to not progress negatively, but if you’re in a rural borough I would cautious. They can over react to situations they aren’t usually familiar with.

Besides that, my worry is for you and how this is making you feel. When I was a FTM I was terrified I would die and my in-laws would take my children rather than my parents, which is absurb now but in the first few months it felt like a real threat to me and it impacted my parenting as I was really over-protective and didn’t ever feel a sense of calm. I know you’re concern is for the here and now but have you thought about how you are going manage this situation for years to come, a constant fear of kidnap will drive you crazy.

If they child is travelling with his father they don't need the mothers consent. Fathers are equal !

Yes, we share a surname. I believe OP’s DC shares a surname with the MIL, which is why I don’t think MIL would be questioned, especially since OP said that MIL is in her 40s, so won’t appear to be a grandparent at immigration.

@Grapesgrapes this. My son is hongkongese/german (me) so he’s also a different race to me which could complicate things if we are travelling alone. He’s got a double-barreled surname. You should consider this at the minimum. I don’t think I would let them watch my baby alone.

Sorry for the late reply. So, I have a child with someone from a different nationality, and it has taken a fair amount of effort for both sides of the family to understand each other, in particular with regards to parenting and sense of humour. It's takes work, and a thick skin, and patience.

I'm not saying that child abduction isn't a real, serious issue, but this thread feels like an overreaction. Are OP's in-laws overbearing? Yeah. Do they make really stupid comments? Yeah. Would they make those comments if they actually planned to abduct their grandchild?
I can't see it, somehow.

For a start I'd change her name to yours - why on earth did you give her your partner's name when you're not even married?

The charity Reunite are experts on child abduction and should be able to give you advice on your current situation and any preventative steps you can take.

I didn’t even do it when I was married. It’s the women that do the heavy lifting bringing children into the world. Completely disrespectful to honour fathers over mothers.

the father would have to agree to the name change now.

I think you should get a British passport for your DC, but keep it safe (e.g. at your parents so they can't get it) that would at least stop anyone getting a British passport for your child without you knowing about it. I still think they could apply for a Romanian one though (which would be beneficial in the long run as your child would have EU rights. I would also hide the birth certificate as well as they'd need that to apply for a passport.

I think you need to work with a solicitor to fill in form C100 to take prohibitive steps. This will prevent them from taking your DC out of the country, on a temporary or permanent basis.

If you are not married then I'd advise to not give your partner parental responsibility as it gives him far more rights.

My DC have travelled with inlaws multiple times in Europe and outside of it,we have always provided letters of permission in the relevant language, they have never once been queried by border staff or had to show it.

I would forget even speaking to a health visitor as i would be surprised if the have the knowledge you need.

you have been advised at least twice to contact Reunite, and @InSpainTheRain has suggested a solicitor and a certain form.

I would also get back down to the Registry office as fast as i could and find out if you can alter baby's birth certificate.

Does your partner work ? if so do this one day when he is at work.

Personally I wouldn't even be leaving my baby alone with the father, and when / if questioned I would truthfully say I don't find the situation safe !
and if this really is a sense of humour / joke from his family I would be finding my voice loudly and telling them this is not funny !

This whole situation is really worrying to / for you, and they need to realise / be told that.

<sigh>

the baby is 3 months old and already registered with his father’s surname. Dad already has parental responsibility. 🤦🏻‍♀️

chances of OP being able to answer the questions the passport office ask about dates and places of birth of her partner’s parents to be able to get a passport in secret are minimal.

What would social services involvement be here? And what do you mean that the outcome might not be great? Are you actually threatening that social services will
remove a child from it’s parents because one of those parents isn’t British? There isn’t anything for social services to be involved with here.

If you are concerned you are concerned and that's valid.

But I wonder are they possibly joking? Or cultural differences?

I agree with your FIL, having an EU passport will be very beneficial to your baby but the baby doesn't need it now. Your partner was born in Romania right? The baby probably doesn't need to go on a foreign birth register or anything like that (It's something I've heard of for kids born to Irish nationals abroad who were not born in Ireland e.g. the grandparents of new baby are Irish but parent was born in Wales)

Can you double barrel your child’s name to include your name? I wish I had done this as I recently got questioned taking my son abroad as his passport shows a different surname to mine. Wouldn’t have been questioned otherwise. Usually carry his birth certificate with me but it was the one time I had forgotten. When you apply for your child’s passport keep it secure and away from them as they are less likely to be questioned having the same surname.