For context I’m a FTM to a 10 week old baby. Super long one but please bare with. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but people on my partners side are very judgemental on the fact if my baby is crying I don’t want to give him to other people to hold. This is particularly an issue with MIL, for example one time I was holding my son and as soon as he starts crying (because he was hungry) she rushes over and puts her arms out to take him and says “give him here” I told her no. Another occasion I was holding LO trying to get him to sleep as he was really overtired, she asked if she could hold him I said yes as he was content at that moment, when I was passing him to her he started screaming so I said “aww he’s crying let me calm him”, all the while she was still trying to take him off me not letting go off him for a good 5-10 seconds. This happened when his parents and friends were round (they’re all Romanian, I’m English), and when this happened one of the friends said in Romanian to his mum “isn’t she going to let you hold him?” So I wouldn’t understand but my partner told me after. A couple of hours later (after MIL held him) he still wasn’t sleeping so whilst everyone was in the garden (smoking may I add, so I didn’t want LO around this either) I had him with me in the living room with the lights off so it was dark and quiet trying to rock him to sleep. My partner told me a few days later in an argument “everyone can see what you’re like, not letting MIL hold LO when he was crying and you were being so unsociable when everyone was in the garden and you were in the living room with LO”. Literally making out like everyone was talking about me. I would also like to add my MIL and I have had issues in the past, my partner had recently told me she continuously tried to get him to break up with me our whole relationship, even when I was pregnant (he said they’ve done this to every friendship or relationship he’s had as he’s an only child and they’re scared of ‘losing’ him so they don’t like things going well for him). When pregnant she told me “you look after the baby when he’s in your stomach and I look after him once he’s born”.She insisted on staying over the first night we came home with him, I didn’t want her to but told her I would wake him at a certain time to feed him (at the time he had jaundice so I had to wake him to be fed), when I woke up she then told me she already fed him. She showed up to our house without letting us know, I’ve lost count on the amount of ‘jokes’ she’s made about taking him to Romania without me. She bought a cot and car seat for her place without telling me, which he has and will never.m be staying over night there. Her and her husband have no problem arguing with my partner loudly in front of LO. We rent our place from them and when I finally set boundaries she blocked me on Facebook and threatened to kick us (including her own grandson) out. She continuously pulls the grandparent card. She moans at DH about me for feeding my own son (he’s both bf and bottle) and doing his nappy and not letting her do it (the last time she done his nappy she insisted on taking him to a separate room). His parents used to have physical fights when growing up and I don’t trust them to look after LO alone on the small chance of this happening and I’m not there to get LO out of the situation. My partner said if this was the other way round and it was my parents like it he would want me to cut them off. I’ll admit since MIL threatening to kick us out and making jokes about taking LO, I’ve not trusted her at all with him and even when I’m there I’m still on edge and don’t let her help as much anymore as what I previously did.
We’ve had countless about them as they’re his parents and he’s upset I won’t trust his mum with LO on her own etc. He’s a good dad and does his fair share with looking after the baby on weekends when he’s home from work but when we disagree with things he won’t even give any attention to LO and there’s been a couple of times when he’s just walked out after an argument. He’ll stand up for me infront of his parents but he’s acting like I’m the problem. I’m on maternity leave and I tend to do most the tidying late at night when DH and LO are sleeping as I genuinely do not have time during the day with look after LO. The house isn’t as tidy as it obviously used to be before we had baby and sometimes the washing gets built up and I don’t have the energy to tidy during the nights. During arguments he says I’m a great mum but what do I actually do all day because the cleanings not done and he does the cooking for us in the evenings. I feel like he needs a reality check as I stay up every night until 3 or 4am tidying or looking after LO and only sleep for a few hours in the morning. DH looks after LO for around 4 or 5 hours in the morning on weekends so I can sleep and a couple of hours before work on weekdays. This is the only chance I get to sleep. I tell him I appreciate him looking after our son in the morning but I need him to do some nights for me so I can actually get a nights sleep instead, but he never does help with the nights even on days he’s not working because he’s “too tired” and “he goes to work” even after having full night sleeps every single night and sometimes napping when he gets home from work or on weekends. Sometimes when I’m talking to him he will just full on ignore me because he’s not interested in what I’m saying (to be fair he’s been like this before I was pregnant but with the other issues between us now it’s really started to take a toll on things). I had an episiotomy and he watched the whole birth and now he’s not ready for us to be intimate again as he says he’s ’traumatised’ and ‘he keeps getting flashbacks of the sound of me being cut’. I know it’s not his fault for feeling this way but it’s making me feel so unattractive, especially as we’re barely affectionate in other ways now. I know people say you get in a roommate stage after having a baby but I don’t know how to get out of this rut.
Don’t get me wrong, he was amazing throughout my pregnancy and labour and really advocated for me during it. We had an amazing relationship the first month postpartum but things now have rapidly gone downhill. It’s not all him and I’ve also probably said some not nice things out of tiredness etc and he does so much for me and our son and we still have good times together but there’s starting to be times now that I really dislike him. I don’t know where to go from here as it’s really starting to put a strain on our relationship and I feel so guilty for our son as I just want things to be good again so he can grow up in a happy family unit. I’ve mentioned going to couples counselling but he thinks it’s a waste of money and doesn’t think we have any problems. Any advice would be much appreciated