I love him…but I don’t like him a lot of the time.

[Crayoningthesky]

I met a man on online dating about 3 years ago, both of us divorced with dc. We have our dc 50% of the time each and so tend to see each other when we don’t have our dc. My dc have met him several times and don’t like him very much.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.
He seems to think it’s only him that ever has small problems or issues with ex partners / work / family. Most of the things are stuff we all deal with but they make him become very angry and ‘woe is me.’ He talks a lot about how he’s better than everyone else but no one recognises this and it makes his life very difficult - any perceived ‘failure’ is blamed on others not realising how great he is. I find that when he is in this state he doesn’t want any input from me, just to tell me about it and so I don’t say anything and sometimes that can go on for several hours.
I love him, but increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance. When I am with him it’s never how it has been in my head, it’s never how I imagine it to be.

Im not sure where to go from here. I doubt he will change but I do love him.

Just dump him. It's exhausting just reading this. I have always steered clear of difficult personalities like this so I cannot understand your patience. You need to be decisive and get rid of him, there's no mileage in this and you're wasting your precious time. Good luck op.

God OP, what happened to you in your life that you think this is something you have to put up with.

You literally do not need him, and he could move to Alaska tomorrow and all your energy would have been for nothing. Don't let your kids think that it's okay to be with nasty people, what lessons are you teaching them here.

This early on in your relationship he should still be showing the best version of himself. If this is what you’re being given already, it’s only going to get worse.

Your kids not liking him should be enough to end it. You do not want them as adults telling you how miserable their childhood was and how they always felt on edge because you chose to let this man be in their lives.

Being with your significant other should for the most part be easy and effortless. You shouldn’t feel you have to manage him or worry about what mood you’re going to be greeted with each time.

leave or you will deeply regret it in years to come.

I can’t imagine why this absolute cunt is divorced.

You have terrible taste in men.

No fucking wonder he’s lonely, he deserves to be.

Leave him before he starts hitting you or your children - all the warning signs are already there, he is abusing you all. Feels things more deeply than others? Bollocks. He's more of a cunt than others, a bully with no manners or self regulation, he is damaging you and your lovely kids.

I'm sorry OP but this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
You are not responsible for any part of his life.
I'm pretty sure if you treated him badly like this you would be dumped without any fanfare.
The only thing you are responsible for are your own children.

It is not your responsibility to put up with unacceptable behaviour to appease the person doing it.

That kind of stuff would grate on you over time
So if you are not married and have no kids together then I would split up.

How did him pushing the pieces off your kids' boardgame in a strop not give you a fatal case of the ick?

It sounds like pity rather than love @Crayoningthesky
Remember you're not responsible for his happiness. Only he can sort himself out and he's unlikely to do so if he's got you defending his unreasonable behaviour.

It must be so depressing dealing with this all the time. He’s not a child OP. You’re not responsible for looking after him. Maybe he wouldn’t be so lonely if he was a better person?

I just can’t get over him swiping the pieces off the board game. Your poor kids. How are you still associating with him? Surely that’s not a good message for your kids?

This is how partners of narcissists eventually end up....

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4949408-narcissists-are-my-favourite-subject-right-now

Why on earth are you exposing your children to this vile piece of shit?

Astonishing.

That is an interesting thread. At first glance - the part about him being happy for me to feel safe rings very true.
When he starts to get overwhelmed or worked up my adrenaline kicks in massively - even if he’s not angry with me. I never know which way it’ll go, and it could start out as being angry about something else and then move on to me or he might refuse to talk to me and I won’t know why.

This is not the way to live OP. You deserve better.

What was your relationship like with your parents when you were growing up, @Crayoningthesky?

I am going to bet good money that one of your parents behaved very much the same as your boyfriend does now.

The emotion you feel towards him is not love, it’s pity. Many women have misplaced empathy towards wounded animal-types. They’re often bullies in disguise. It’s a very strong emotion and can be mistaken for love. It’s possibly the emotion you felt towards a parent growing up in which you felt responsible for fixing their emotions.

You are not responsible for this man. His parents were once responsible for him, and now he is responsible for himself. YOU are responsible for your children and yourself. That is all.

Please, please take all of this misplaced empathy and nurturing, and put it into you and your children.

You beat me to it @JungsWordTest … parents

So nothing anyone says about your poor children is sinking in here? Just more psychoanalysis! Remove this man and work on yourself for your childrens’ sake.

Depressing, isn't it?
I'm out.

Yep me too

I was with someone like this. It was EXHAUSTING all that trying to anticipate his moods and avoid him getting set off into a rant.

Go date a grown up OP. This man is a toddler. You can love someone but still let them go.

My children aren’t exposed to him - I was concerned about the impact on them so now they don’t see him.
I do appreciate by default there is an impact on me so an impact on them but in the weeks I have them they are my focus and they don’t see him or his children.