Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love him…but I don’t like him a lot of the time.

221 replies

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 09:11

I met a man on online dating about 3 years ago, both of us divorced with dc. We have our dc 50% of the time each and so tend to see each other when we don’t have our dc. My dc have met him several times and don’t like him very much.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.
He seems to think it’s only him that ever has small problems or issues with ex partners / work / family. Most of the things are stuff we all deal with but they make him become very angry and ‘woe is me.’ He talks a lot about how he’s better than everyone else but no one recognises this and it makes his life very difficult - any perceived ‘failure’ is blamed on others not realising how great he is. I find that when he is in this state he doesn’t want any input from me, just to tell me about it and so I don’t say anything and sometimes that can go on for several hours.
I love him, but increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance. When I am with him it’s never how it has been in my head, it’s never how I imagine it to be.

Im not sure where to go from here. I doubt he will change but I do love him.

OP posts:
LoveFoolMe · 04/04/2024 13:29

@Crayoningthesky
If your best friend was in a relationship like this what would you think/say?

MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 13:31

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 13:27

My children aren’t exposed to him - I was concerned about the impact on them so now they don’t see him.
I do appreciate by default there is an impact on me so an impact on them but in the weeks I have them they are my focus and they don’t see him or his children.

You won't allow your boyfriend to be around your kids but you're still with him. Don't you see how mad that sounds?

OfTheNight · 04/04/2024 13:31

But he was awful to your children and you’re still seeing him? So you’re essentially saying that it was fine for him to be like that to them.

He is manipulating and abusing you. This will 100% impact your children.

The relationship won’t be able to move forward because you’ll have to keep him away from your kids.

RedHelenB · 04/04/2024 13:32

RollOnSpringDays · 04/04/2024 09:49

Come on, why, after all these incidents are you still anywhere near him? Put your self respect and the feelings of your children above this loser - his actions are bordering on abuse and you’re certainly going to be treading on eggshells the entire time you’re with him.

So she's gets to say she has a man/boyfriend? Can't think of anything else or OP would have mentioned how great the sex is.

hellsBells246 · 04/04/2024 13:35

SnackyOnassis · 04/04/2024 09:14

You're in love with the idealised version you have of him in your head, not him. I'd let this one go, it doesn't sound like this relationship is bringing anything positive to your life.

Edited

That's just what I was going to say.

He sounds exhausting to live with and be with.

You should be looking forward to seeing him, not constantly being disappointed.

I think you know the answer here...

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/04/2024 13:37

I'm absolutely baffled as to how you can possibly love this man. He sounds awful. Any one of the red flags you've mentioned would be enough to put me off him instantly tbh. Feeling guilty about him being lonely if you ended it is ridiculous. It will be his fault he's lonely!

Treetertop · 04/04/2024 13:41

Keep on kidding yourself there's no impact on your kids, see how they go in life, meet their new boyfriends/girlfriends, watch them settle for less than they deserve with an abuser because that's what you've taught them is ok. Why have you posted then? Here's loads of shit awful thing he does, oh no what about your kids OP? Oh no, it doesn't affect them amd its all ok really but here's some more shit things he does. What do you want people to say, its alright OP, stay with him, he sounds lovely?

Canweaffordkids · 04/04/2024 13:45

@Crayoningthesky what do you think you deserve in a relationship? Do you honestly believe you deserve such poor treatment? Did you father treat your mother badly and you grew up thinking this is what women must put up with? Or maybe you think you personally don’t deserve a positive relationship?

It’s so sad to read about a woman who has such low self esteem that she accepts this shit. Why are you not ending it right now? Stop the psychoanalysis and dump him.

Original poster
Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 13:45

No - I want to know how I leave someone who I love even when I know it’s the right thing. Willpower, I suppose.
Ive tried before and been pulled back.

OP posts:
MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 13:47

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 13:45

No - I want to know how I leave someone who I love even when I know it’s the right thing. Willpower, I suppose.
Ive tried before and been pulled back.

What is it that you love about him? That would be a good place t start. You don't like him, so what do you love?

FinallyHere · 04/04/2024 13:49

five minutes later he came and knocked all the pieces off the board.

And you didn't gently disengage at that point.

And you still think you love him.

Goodness, it may really be an idea to spend some time and work on yourself. That really isn't normal adult behaviour never mind love interest.

this is not their responsibility.

Not sure why you think it might be your job to 'manage' him and his behaviour. Just why?

PermanentTemporary · 04/04/2024 13:51

Write a pros and cons list (somewhere secret! )?

We don't know your life, we only know what you've written here. Everyone knows it's more complicated than that. But the stuff you've written is so bad it does also give clarity. If you've tried before, you obviously know it doesn't work.

If it helps to think of him as an addiction that you have reduced control over and need support to break from, fair enough. But in a way you chose to go back. You don't have to fill the gaps in his life. I'm sorry to have to tell you that he will probably find another woman pretty fast if you end it.

CuppaTea23 · 04/04/2024 13:54

I feel for you OP, just be glad you see the evidence before you live together or have finances tangled. You clearly can see this isn't ok, I'd suggest doing some googling around 'vulnerable narcissists' and there will be info about how to separate. If you can then I'd really recommend some therapy, you sound like you're showing some co-dependency and you need to try to deal with that before being in a healthy relationship.

Lots of people are frustrated, as the way you write it, it seems obvious you shouldn't be with him, but it is hard. He's manipulated you, even if you can't see it. Please please try to get out before he sucks out more of your joy or damages your relationship with your kids. You can do this and you are worth so much more.

Canweaffordkids · 04/04/2024 13:54

@Crayoningthesky I’m so glad to hear you are ending things with him.

I would recommend not ending things in person as I would worry he could be very aggressive towards you. I would do it on the phone. Arrange for any items of his you may have to be sent to his home, do not go there yourself. Tell him you will not be in any further contact with him. And then block him and save this thread to look back at if you feel yourself doubting if you made the right decision.

StopStartStop · 04/04/2024 14:02

I now dread seeing him or speaking to him
So don't see him or speak to him. Problem solved.
My dc have met him several times and don’t like him
Another good reason to see the back of him.
I love him
I've found, in sixty odd years of observations, that logic is more reliable than love.
increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance.
Don't do it at all. You're under no obligation. People are allowed to end relationships that aren't working for them.

You've said what you've said. I've heard 'I'm with this guy I don't even like but I'm desperate so I don't want to let him go. I also feel responsible for him.'

  1. It's ok to be single. It really is. People can be single and happy. They can meet new partners, for FWB, for long-term relationships, for one-night stands. Those things are all ok, if you are ok with them.
  2. Lots of people want to make others responsible for them. We all have needs - some of us are genuinely in need. But just because he needs support doesn't mean you have to be the one to give it.

Have a look at what you've written, and see how easily you could solve this problem for good. Today.

ETA: Oh, look at that! You're leaving him. Well done!

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2024 14:05

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 13:45

No - I want to know how I leave someone who I love even when I know it’s the right thing. Willpower, I suppose.
Ive tried before and been pulled back.

If you refuse to put the welfare of your children above some absolute shitbag of a man, which is exactly what you're doing, why anything else will get you to end it is beyond me.

LoveFoolMe · 04/04/2024 14:05

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm

GingerIsBest · 04/04/2024 14:12

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 13:45

No - I want to know how I leave someone who I love even when I know it’s the right thing. Willpower, I suppose.
Ive tried before and been pulled back.

Yes, willpower.

Remind yourself that he doesn't love you. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for him. Remind yourself that it is okay for you to put yourself first. Remind yourself that feeling obligated to be in a sexual relationship with someone is not healthy or normal. Remind yourself that he is a grown man who should be able to manage his own emotions.

Then end it.

And block him becuase you will receive a stream of calls, messages, visits etc that will range from begging and pleading, to threatening, to abusive.

ginasevern · 04/04/2024 14:12

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 13:45

No - I want to know how I leave someone who I love even when I know it’s the right thing. Willpower, I suppose.
Ive tried before and been pulled back.

You aren't "in love". You can't love someone you don't even like. You're clinging on because there's a drastic shortage of men out there and you don't want to be alone. That's why you're dithering about it, be honest.

Just dump this arsehole. He sounds like he could potentially be violent. His wife had a lucky escape. No-one should be that desperate for a bloke.

Begsthequestion · 04/04/2024 14:17

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 13:45

No - I want to know how I leave someone who I love even when I know it’s the right thing. Willpower, I suppose.
Ive tried before and been pulled back.

What did he do to manipulate you into staying with him?

Therealjudgejudy · 04/04/2024 14:19

Your standards ate on the floor.

Your poor kids.

NoSquirrels · 04/04/2024 14:22

Just exactly what is it you think you ‘love’?

cestlavielife · 04/04/2024 14:28

You do not love him
You just do not want to be single???
How he treats others the waiter your dc is how he will treat you if not already
He is a twat
Get rid

jay55 · 04/04/2024 14:31

Why do you think you deserve a volatile bully for a boyfriend?

Surely being single would be better.