I love him…but I don’t like him a lot of the time.

[Crayoningthesky]

I met a man on online dating about 3 years ago, both of us divorced with dc. We have our dc 50% of the time each and so tend to see each other when we don’t have our dc. My dc have met him several times and don’t like him very much.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.
He seems to think it’s only him that ever has small problems or issues with ex partners / work / family. Most of the things are stuff we all deal with but they make him become very angry and ‘woe is me.’ He talks a lot about how he’s better than everyone else but no one recognises this and it makes his life very difficult - any perceived ‘failure’ is blamed on others not realising how great he is. I find that when he is in this state he doesn’t want any input from me, just to tell me about it and so I don’t say anything and sometimes that can go on for several hours.
I love him, but increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance. When I am with him it’s never how it has been in my head, it’s never how I imagine it to be.

Im not sure where to go from here. I doubt he will change but I do love him.

If you're not bothered about not seeing your children when they're older then carry on seeing this man.

There's an argument to be made I think that if you don't see someone much, the hyper romantic/sexual "in love" feelings last for a longer period than if you are together a lot. You are already starting to think that you can only "love" him at a distance.

As we all know, those feelings become less prominent with time and when you do get to that point with him, what will you be left with? Someone that you don't actually like, not a deepened and more lasting affection based on respect, approval, friendship etc.

ETA He sounds like a self important whiney wanker.

Why on earth didn't you end it after the board game?

If you are going to finish it, please do this by phone and then get a friend to deliver his things back. Don’t do this in person, he doesn’t sound stable.

I read posts like this and am honestly completely mystified as to what the OP thinks love is. She dislikes this awful man and she's quite right to. Ergo, she doesn't love him. And she realises she doesn't love him every time she's actually with him in person. The two things can't coexist in a romantic partnership.

I suspect "love" is one or both of lust, misplaced loyalty, loneliness? But being in love with the idea of a relationship is very much not the same thing as being in love with that person.

My god, does ANYONE like this man?

As @Uricon2 said, he sounds like a self important whiney wanker.

Why are you still with him and more to the point why are you inflicting him on your poor children?

My children don’t see him anymore.
Im aware I am choosing to manage his behaviour as best I can and that this is not their responsibility.

Why though? Why are you doing this to yourself?

This makes no sense

Why are you wasting your time with this odious man? If he had done that to my child, I’d have absolutely lost my shit.

He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about your kids. He’s pathetic. What on earth is it about him that you ‘love’?

I don’t want them to be negatively impacted by his behaviour or to witness it.
At times he will throw / hit things if really angry. Not with me - just generally with life - and it’s not very often. I’ve witnessed it maybe five times in three years? His dc are similar to him so I think they’ve seen it a lot.
I don’t want my dc to see it though.

Why are you letting yourself be negatively impacted by his behaviour?

Why why why are you with him? Hes abusive. You do realise that, after all you are protecting your kids from him.

Seriously, why aren't you protecting yourself?

Who made it your job to "manage" his behaviour? Have you signed a contract?

You do realise that you've not said one good thing about him. What does that tell you?

But when you see him, and carry on in a relationship with him, your children are being told that a big nasty bully is someone worth spending time on, even loving? My kids know that anyone against them, is not ok by me. Anyone who is so damaging for my kids to be around, is not someone I will be around. You’re not giving your kids that message, are you?

Every bit of time, money, and energy spent on him is being taken away from your kids. You would be better served spending any spare time and space you’ve got on therapy to help you resolve your self worth issues.

I doubt he will change but I do love him.

Well he has changed - he's already got worse and it's only been three years. Why on earth would you waste any more time with this prick just because 'love'?? This isn't love. Everyone is nice sometimes, otherwise you'd never be fooled into getting attached to him in the first place. But dreading being with someone and having to manage their shitty moods is unconscionable this early on - or ever. You know it's not working and going nowhere good. Get rid and and find someone you don't dread and who isn't a selfish insecure knobhead. Your kids are smart. Take their lead and stop seeing him.

Jesus. I've dated later in life and have now moved in with dp, once ds was away at University. So I do get that life changes, and I do think that ds would probably on balance prefer it if dp weren't part of his life, though they get on ok and he's happy for me. So i haven't been some kind of angel about this. But you have to dump this loser. Someone you dread seeing should be out of your life unless you genuinely have no choice. Also, value yourself a bit. I agree that he shouldn't be around your kids, but he shouldn't be around you either, you're worth more than that.

3 years?

You know how to boil a frog? You start it off in cold water and gradually raise the temperature so it doesn't know what is happening. Is that what's happening here? You've been in this for so long you've lost perspective.

If the person you are with doesn't make you feel happier then you don't have to be with them. Jump out of the pot.

Have you considered he might be an undiagnosed adult with ASD. I say this because my husband definitely is and after 23 years I was driven utterly insane. What you are saying rings familiar. It's only recently become aparently that is the issue with my Husband but they're are so many litle things which are a bit odd, add them to together over time and the picture grows. It's an enormous commitment and an incredibly dificult and lonely life if that is the case
You will always be the one if the wrong getting shouted at, told what to do and how to do it, no matter what it is.

Of course he might just not be a nice person but it's worth raising it as a possibility as the similarity is there.

What is going on at the moment. I think this is the 4th post I've seen in 24 hours where there is clearly narcissistic behaviour.

OP, you don't love him. You care about him and his wellbeing because you are a nice person, probably very empathetic. Which is why he attached himself to you in the first place - he realised quickly (possibly subconsciously) that in you he'd get someone who would facilitate and enable his perception of himself as a victim.

It's a good thing you don't live together as the behaviour would ramp up.

I'm sort of surprised to be honest that he hasn't tried to convince you to let him (and his DC) move in with you though. Also that he hasn't started on the econtrolling behaviour to control your actions when not with him although perhaps as a single mum that's not an issue for him because you're either with your DC or with him so he doesn't have to have meltdowns if you go see a friend, go to the gym, head out for a night out etc.

End it now. You can have empathy for him, and care for him, without feeling like you have to maintain a romantic relationship with him.

I don't think it matters if he is neurodiverse or neurotypical (for what it's worth, it sounds perfectly NT to me). She's not his mum. He's not 18 and potentially able to change. This is him.

Is this real?

OP read back your posts. You’re in a relationship (of sorts) with a man who can’t keep his temper when a 10 year old suggests he might beat him at a board game.

He’s so bad you don’t bring him into your home anymore (I hope).

He’s rude to people in restaurants who were simply trying to reassure him about the mess he made.

His DC have been damaged and have picked to his anger issues.

What did you want from this thread?

Not one single person is going to suggest that you should stay or suggest how to cure him of being an absolute arsehole.

Has writing it down made you realise how bad this is? Will you now do the right thing by yourself and DC and get rid? Because this will have affected them no matter how much you delude yourself that it hasn’t.

Get rid. If that's his good side, I dread to think what his bad side is like