I love him…but I don’t like him a lot of the time.

[Crayoningthesky]

I met a man on online dating about 3 years ago, both of us divorced with dc. We have our dc 50% of the time each and so tend to see each other when we don’t have our dc. My dc have met him several times and don’t like him very much.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.
He seems to think it’s only him that ever has small problems or issues with ex partners / work / family. Most of the things are stuff we all deal with but they make him become very angry and ‘woe is me.’ He talks a lot about how he’s better than everyone else but no one recognises this and it makes his life very difficult - any perceived ‘failure’ is blamed on others not realising how great he is. I find that when he is in this state he doesn’t want any input from me, just to tell me about it and so I don’t say anything and sometimes that can go on for several hours.
I love him, but increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance. When I am with him it’s never how it has been in my head, it’s never how I imagine it to be.

Im not sure where to go from here. I doubt he will change but I do love him.

I would have ended the relationship immediately after this . I wouldn’t want a man like him around my children . I don’t know how you could possibly find this man attractive let alone “ love him !”

I think no one’s perfect.

I bet you also think things like, "well, I contributed to that" or "he had a right to be upset" or similar?

narcissists are attracted to people like you because they can get away with behaviour they wouldn't otherwise. A classic example in early days of relationship are sulking or ghosting when things go wrong, followed by, "I'm sorry, I just find it so hard to deal with this stuff because of my shitty childhood" or some similar statement.

You should ask your therapist to help you work on how you can stop taking responsibility for other people and how to help you feel justified in asking for your OWN needs to be met.

Whats the point of being with someone like this 😐 if you feel like that then??

You only live one life etc.

I will say to you what my lovely DH said about my shit exH when I said I didn't have children with him because I wouldn't subject children to him. "Why were you inflicting on yourself someone you acknowledge you wouldn't inflict on someone else?"

Why are you putting up with this?

I couldn’t be with someone I didn’t respect, admire, love, like etc. My husband is my most favourite person in the world. He’s an amazing human and the best man I know. I wouldn’t settle for less. No one should have to settle for less.

OhBling that is interesting because very early on he’d get annoyed about something (not always to do with me) and then it would spiral and he’d threaten to block me or block me and then he’d come back. He’d apologise and say he’d never been like it before but was just really scared of losing me.
Also he said that he’s unable to feel anything when he is like that and wanted to make me feel as bad as he did.

There is a type of man that values the lady in his life, realising he is lucky to have her and then there is a man who knows someone is too good for them and tries to knock them down to his level. He is not good for you, he does not treat you well and you will be happier without him.

You love the potential of him. Not the actual him

Wow, no wonder they don’t like him, what a disgusting thing to do. And that’s him meant to be making a good impression? For your kids sake, end this relationship. They will never like him and who can blame them?

OP rather than wasting time explaining this utter cunt of a man's behaviour, get rid, you don't live together it's not difficult.

Get rid. He sounds awful. Your kids have got the measure of him 🚩

Could it be easier to leave him if you feel you've helped him in some way in the long run. You should leave him, but for his own sake and his DC's sake, it might help him and them going forwards if he could have an assessment for ND or maybe it would lead to a MH issue.
His, I'm better than others could be a lie he tells himself because really, somewhere, he believes the opposite, I suspect he's aware on some level he's different to the norm, and he might well be disappointed in himself for that. He knows, but he doesn't want you to suss it, so he covers it with BS.
The spoiling of the game, yes it seems outrageous and it is ( it also should of been the point where you dumped him as no man should be allowed do that to your DCs) it shows very poor impuse control, as does damaging suff. I reckon it's born out of being unable to handle how he is. A diagnosis ultimately might help him accept himself. But meantime, you should not aim to have a relationship with him and only agree to friendship if he seeks help via his GP.

Pretty classic I am afraid. He was testing boundaries from day 1.

Your DC not liking him is a big red flag. It’s questionable whether you really like him tbh… he sounds unpleasant at best. Cut your losses.

I just saw this … how did you deal with this situation ..sounds like you brushed it under the carpet as this man is still in your life! . It’s not ok for anyone to treat your DC like this. He’s not a safe adult to be around your kids, if he would do this in front of you what do you think he’d do to your DC behind your back? You seriously need to evaluate your children’s safely and well being as well as your own.

Boo fucking hoo 🙄

Are you incredibly lonely?
Or maybe you are incredibly charitable?
Do you realise that women aren't rehab centres for broken men?

You may want to 'save' him, but you're wasting your time and energy.
Can you get another hobby instead?
Maybe make more effort to meet new people, do something else on your child-free weekends? Honestly if you're that bored you can help me put up my new shed this weekend?

There seems absolutely zero reason to me why you can't stop seeing him. He hasn't even threatened suicide if you leave him (though that threat could possibly come up if he thought you actually might leave).

and you love this man?

He said that he wanted to make you feel as bad as he did? He is not a kind person OP.

Can you not see the damage this will be doing to your DCs?

They might not see him, but they know they have a very weak mother who is still seeing the madman.

What sort of lesson are you teaching them?

If a grown man tipped a game over in front of my DC, they would be told to leave on the spot.

You should have stayed at the restaurant and let him ferk off by himself. What a sad little man he is.

You need to toughen up and stop feeling sorry for him or beholden to him. Your loyalty is to you and your family.

In one ear, out the other

What you does this emotional vampire bring to your life?
Put your own mental health and that of your own DC first and make a positive change. He either shuts up and sorts out his depression or you split.

“Lighteningstrikes · Today 08:26
Can you not see the damage this will be doing to your DCs?

They might not see him, but they know they have a very weak mother who is still seeing the madman.

What sort of lesson are you teaching them?

If a grown man tipped a game over in front of my DC, they would be told to leave on the spot.

You should have stayed at the restaurant and let him ferk off by himself. What a sad little man he is.

You need to toughen up and stop feeling sorry for him or beholden to him. Your loyalty is to you and your family.”

This with bells on, OP. You’re damaging yourself (which will have a knock-on effect to your DCs) and setting an appalling example for your DCs. This man is lonely because he treats people badly. It’s not your job to shield him from that consequence. In fact, you’re harming him by shielding him from the consequences of his poor behaviour. There’s a great MN saying - don’t set yourself on fire to keep
someone else warm. Please read Women Who Love Too Much and get some counselling.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.

Read back your opening post. I can't get beyond this really. You dread seeing him......

Listen to yourself... the answer is there fpr all to see....

Why do you have a relationship with someone you "dread" seeing

I think I am scared of ending it.
Im not scared of him physically… I’m scared of what he’ll say / how he might react. Knowing he’s angry and with me makes me feel ridiculously anxious, which I know is stupid. I also don’t know what he might do, when I broke up with him before he said he’d destroy me.