I love him…but I don’t like him a lot of the time.

[Crayoningthesky]

I met a man on online dating about 3 years ago, both of us divorced with dc. We have our dc 50% of the time each and so tend to see each other when we don’t have our dc. My dc have met him several times and don’t like him very much.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.
He seems to think it’s only him that ever has small problems or issues with ex partners / work / family. Most of the things are stuff we all deal with but they make him become very angry and ‘woe is me.’ He talks a lot about how he’s better than everyone else but no one recognises this and it makes his life very difficult - any perceived ‘failure’ is blamed on others not realising how great he is. I find that when he is in this state he doesn’t want any input from me, just to tell me about it and so I don’t say anything and sometimes that can go on for several hours.
I love him, but increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance. When I am with him it’s never how it has been in my head, it’s never how I imagine it to be.

Im not sure where to go from here. I doubt he will change but I do love him.

This situation really makes me sad. What in your past experience has conditioned you to believe that “managing” the bad behaviour of someone you are in a relationship with is your responsibility?

Managing your own behaviour: yes. Managing your children’s behaviour when necessary: yes. Managing a grown adult who lashes out and needs to be tip-toed around: no.

Please end this relationship and consider some therapy to explore why you feel that it’s on you to take responsibility for this behaviour from a man.

@Crayoningthesky

“Catoo · Today 10:40
Is this real?

OP read back your posts. You’re in a relationship (of sorts) with a man who can’t keep his temper when a 10 year old suggests he might beat him at a board game.

He’s so bad you don’t bring him into your home anymore (I hope).

He’s rude to people in restaurants who were simply trying to reassure him about the mess he made.

His DC have been damaged and have picked to his anger issues.

What did you want from this thread?

Not one single person is going to suggest that you should stay or suggest how to cure him of being an absolute arsehole.

Has writing it down made you realise how bad this is? Will you now do the right thing by yourself and DC and get rid? Because this will have affected them no matter how much you delude yourself that it hasn’t.”

This, with bells on. Honestly, OP, why are you entertaining this? The fantasy man in your head doesn’t exist. The real man is a nightmare. Do you need to have a man in your life at all costs or something? Honestly, this makes no sense. And it’s very bad modelling for your DCs even if they no longer see him. What’s driving you here? You may benefit from therapy and you might find “Women Who Love Too Much” to be a useful read.

Well said.

Though I'd go further and say it's bloody unhinged!

Get away from this loose cannon. He's unpredictable and dangerous.

You are trapped in a cycle of russian roulette - each time hoping you'll get back the good version of him - and the chemical highs and lows will be keeping you fixated on pursuing this.

You need to have stern words with yourself and determine that no matter how you feel you need to get to safety, as far away from him as you possibly can. Treat yourself like an addict - you need to go cold turkey and get him out of your system completely.

Grow a backbone and get rid of him ASAP.
Your poor kids having to watch you tiptoe around this asshole

I do think there has been a push / pull situation which has kept me hooked in. He’s horrible and then he’s nice and I’m glad he’s nice again. I do think he has ASD but that doesn’t help me much. His reactions are so massively disproportionate to the trigger, particularly if he feels slighted in some way - which he frequently does. He is always the victim who no one understands despite being better than them in his view. Everything is taken so personally and blown up into a huge crisis. He describes himself as feeling emotions at a greater depth than other people.

Honestly what is it you love about him? From what you have written he sounds aggressive violent and incredibly arrogant. Life is too short to waste time in a relationship with someone like that!

Are you that desperate for a fuck. What the hell is wrong with you?

He's probably managing (with some effort) to be nice enough of the time to keep you hooked and on the rollercoaster. God help you if you did spend much more time together, because the odds are his manifold frustrations with the universe would find a focus in you.

He's not going to change OP, this is him.

So you’re sitting here psychoanalysing him, but not engaging with the question of what the fuck you’re doing to your kids by pursuing this? Honestly I give up on these situations. Poor poor kids.

Nothing to love about him from your description

As above.
Arsewipe is crude but sums your toddler partner up exactly.
Get rid.

Oh wow OP. This sounds so tough and I bet you haven't actually realised how tough and have just dealt with it.

He sounds like someone who has not yet learnt to control his emotions. It actually sounds like a spoilt child.

I'm not one for LTB but I guess you don't live together of your kids don't see him so it would be easy to cut ties. He is only making your life worse. Partners are there to improve our lives and bring joy.

Yeah he can't regulate his emotions because he's emotionally immature like a toddler but unlike a toddler he will never grow out of it. I have ASD and I work so hard on this every day so my partner doesn't have to manage my emotions for me. I admit that I used to say similar things about my emotions but honestly OP you can do better

I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too,

Come on, OP. He’s not worth your energy.

@Crayoningthesky - the nice/nasty thing is the typical abuse cycle. Even abusers aren’t horrible all the time - no-one would tolerate that. So their periods of nastiness are interspersed with love-bombing and niceness. The partner experiences this even more strongly because of the contrast with the shitty behaviour and relief that the nice person is back. But it’s only temporary. That’s why a very important test of relationships is not - how is this relationship when things are going well? All relationships feel great then. The better test is - how is this relationship when things are going badly?

Honestly, OP: why are you so desperate to keep this fucked-up man in your life? He’s not nice. You don’t like him. You don’t love him. You care a bit for him because you’re a caring person but it’s very hard to see why you’re keeping him around.

No need to keep telling us about him. We get it, he's shit. There is no excuse on earth for you to be dating this foul male.

Sounds like classic covert narcissist behaviour. Bet he drones on about himself for hours to anyone who'll listen, repeating the same stories going years back that he thinks show how wonderful he is, and how badly he's been treated despite this. He probably calls himself a nice guy, and never, ever takes the blame for anything. It's fucking tedious tbh.

He's not going to change because he sees himself as a victim, that's his identity, so in his mind he can't possibly be unreasonable or abusive to others.

Don't call him a narcissist or anything, there's no point. Just tell him it's not working out and dump him. For your kids' sake, if nothing else.

You fucking what?

Why on earth do you ‘love’ this twat? He’s vile.

Dump him. What a prick.

I'm leaning more towards narcissistic tendancies than spectrum myself.

If you're already protecting your children from him, where is this relationship actually going?

I never understand this "love but not like" thing. How can that possibly work? And even if it did-why would you want to stay with someone who you don't like?

It sounds like you are scared of leaving him in case he turns on you.

classic covert narcissist. They’re more difficult to spot.

It won’t get better.

Wow he sounds like an absolute barrel of laughs.

I don't get the "I love him but I don't like him" shtick. Loving someone means you like who they are.

Maybe you're just kidding yourself because you don't think you deserve better but honestly you'd be far better off without this human millstone round your neck making your lives miserable with his pettiness.

I mean who on earth upturns a kid's boardgame in a tantrum other than an utter arsewipe.