Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love him…but I don’t like him a lot of the time.

221 replies

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 09:11

I met a man on online dating about 3 years ago, both of us divorced with dc. We have our dc 50% of the time each and so tend to see each other when we don’t have our dc. My dc have met him several times and don’t like him very much.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.
He seems to think it’s only him that ever has small problems or issues with ex partners / work / family. Most of the things are stuff we all deal with but they make him become very angry and ‘woe is me.’ He talks a lot about how he’s better than everyone else but no one recognises this and it makes his life very difficult - any perceived ‘failure’ is blamed on others not realising how great he is. I find that when he is in this state he doesn’t want any input from me, just to tell me about it and so I don’t say anything and sometimes that can go on for several hours.
I love him, but increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance. When I am with him it’s never how it has been in my head, it’s never how I imagine it to be.

Im not sure where to go from here. I doubt he will change but I do love him.

OP posts:
SnackyOnassis · 04/04/2024 09:14

You're in love with the idealised version you have of him in your head, not him. I'd let this one go, it doesn't sound like this relationship is bringing anything positive to your life.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 04/04/2024 09:15

You don't love him.
Your children don't like him
You don't like to be around him
When you're with him, it isn't what you thought.
You are in love with the idea of being in love.
Get rid of him. And don't make excuses. I would have got rid of him alone for my children not liking him

CheeryPye · 04/04/2024 09:30

I'm actually wondering what is stopping you from accepting this isn't working for you anymore. Are you sure it's love? You wouldn't be getting all these other feelings if it was.

Churchview · 04/04/2024 09:32

Having read your post OP I'm having trouble understanding what there is to 'love' about this man. He sounds appalling and a real drain on your energy, positivity and time.

Original poster
Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 09:35

It can be great, but I always feel like I am managing him.
For example we went out for a day, having a lovely time in the countryside. Stopped for lunch at a nice pub and had got drinks and ordered mains. He knocked the table and his drink spilled over him - a waiter saw and came over with a cloth and made some comment - jokingly - about how it was too early to be knocking things over drunk - and he lost it. He didn’t have a go at the waiter exactly but he made loud comments about how he wouldn’t be humiliated and he was drinking a coke and then he insisted we leave as he said he wasn’t staying there any longer.
It really never takes much - small things - forgetting his debit card was another. He spirals almost instantly into how other people are dickheads who don’t treat him right.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 04/04/2024 09:36

you don't love him, you're used to him. You can't love someone you don't really like and it sounds like nobody in your family likes him anyway

FedUpMumof10YO · 04/04/2024 09:36

Your kids not liking him should be enough to do what you need to.

Churchview · 04/04/2024 09:38

It sounds like he's the dickhead who spoiled your day out.

CheeryPye · 04/04/2024 09:38

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 09:35

It can be great, but I always feel like I am managing him.
For example we went out for a day, having a lovely time in the countryside. Stopped for lunch at a nice pub and had got drinks and ordered mains. He knocked the table and his drink spilled over him - a waiter saw and came over with a cloth and made some comment - jokingly - about how it was too early to be knocking things over drunk - and he lost it. He didn’t have a go at the waiter exactly but he made loud comments about how he wouldn’t be humiliated and he was drinking a coke and then he insisted we leave as he said he wasn’t staying there any longer.
It really never takes much - small things - forgetting his debit card was another. He spirals almost instantly into how other people are dickheads who don’t treat him right.

You mean he's hard work? You're not his mum.

CheeryPye · 04/04/2024 09:41

FedUpMumof10YO · 04/04/2024 09:36

Your kids not liking him should be enough to do what you need to.

This is the clincher really. Putting men before your kids never ends well.They don't like him. That should be enough to know what you need to do.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2024 09:41

Im not sure where to go from here.

Really? He's an absolute arsehole and your own kids hate him. Come the fuck on.

Catoo · 04/04/2024 09:42

Get rid OP
You are in love with the idea of having someone in your life. But this isn’t the one.

Original poster
Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 09:42

Yes, I’d say he was hard work.
one of the reasons my dc don’t like him much is he came over once when we were playing a game and my middle dc (10 at the time) asked him if he wanted to play and he said no and my dc said something like ‘ahh worried I’ll beat you?’ and I could see straight away he wasn’t happy and about five minutes later he came and knocked all the pieces off the board. He insisted he thought we’d finished the game but I don’t think that’s true.

OP posts:
Catoo · 04/04/2024 09:43

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 09:42

Yes, I’d say he was hard work.
one of the reasons my dc don’t like him much is he came over once when we were playing a game and my middle dc (10 at the time) asked him if he wanted to play and he said no and my dc said something like ‘ahh worried I’ll beat you?’ and I could see straight away he wasn’t happy and about five minutes later he came and knocked all the pieces off the board. He insisted he thought we’d finished the game but I don’t think that’s true.

I’m struggling with how to phrase this OP.
That would be the last time he was around my DC if I was you. WTF.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2024 09:44

about five minutes later he came and knocked all the pieces off the board.

And you've stayed with him after that?! Incredible. What a message you're sending to your kids.

candycane222 · 04/04/2024 09:49

The reason your kids don't like him is because he's a vile overgrown brat. Im astonished you allow your dcs to be treated like this in their own home, and astonished you can fancy, and believe yourself to love, such a tedious unpleasant little arsewipe.

Ugh, you really don't have to stay in a relationship with someone just because you have had fun with them in the past. Hes a guarantee of ruined days by the sound of him.

RollOnSpringDays · 04/04/2024 09:49

Come on, why, after all these incidents are you still anywhere near him? Put your self respect and the feelings of your children above this loser - his actions are bordering on abuse and you’re certainly going to be treading on eggshells the entire time you’re with him.

Namechange666 · 04/04/2024 09:50

Crayoningthesky · 04/04/2024 09:42

Yes, I’d say he was hard work.
one of the reasons my dc don’t like him much is he came over once when we were playing a game and my middle dc (10 at the time) asked him if he wanted to play and he said no and my dc said something like ‘ahh worried I’ll beat you?’ and I could see straight away he wasn’t happy and about five minutes later he came and knocked all the pieces off the board. He insisted he thought we’d finished the game but I don’t think that’s true.

I don't mean to pile on but how on earth did you let him still be with you and come around after that? How dare he treat your kids like that. Why aren't you angry about that? Why didn't you dump him then?

I really don't want to be rude but how did you get so passive? You're teaching your kids that it's okay for them to treated this way. You have a choice, they do not.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/04/2024 09:53

Oh for goodness sake ! Life is too short for all his nonsense. Dump, move on, be happy.

Toddlerteaplease · 04/04/2024 09:53

He sounds awful. You don't line him. And your kids sound like they are justified in their dislike of him. Dump him.

wpuleeeeto · 04/04/2024 09:55

That's not love. The whole "love but not like" thing works with children and people you have to love. If you don't like the man you're seeing, you don't like him end of, call it a day.

EverybodyLTB · 04/04/2024 09:55

I will never not despair over the posters who inflict these men on their kids. How can you justify this? I’ve run out of empathy for mn posters doing this, it’s not ok. Your kids’ mum is ‘in love’ with a bully! Be in love with your poor kids - put your time and energy, that you’re wasting on this horrible man, into your kids.

KalaMush · 04/04/2024 09:56

He knocked all the pieces off your kids' game? What an absolute dickhead. That's not just being negative and moany (which is bad enough tbh) - that's being actively unpleasant.

Dery · 04/04/2024 09:57

You say you love him as if your love is supposed to be unconditional and therefore you’re supposed to love him no matter what. But it’s only love for our children which should be unconditional. Love between adults should be conditional - if someone drains you and treats you badly, if a relationship is not a source of nurture, joy and security for you, then it’s wrong for you. You should take your love back and move on.

You’re not obliged to love this man. Why do you think you are? Why are you maintaining a fantasy of him in your head that is not real? This man is quite unpleasant - why are you holding on to him? End this now, OP. He’s bad news.

RollOnSpringDays · 04/04/2024 09:58

And his grandiose sense of self is also a huge red flag. It’s likely to be an indication that he has serious mental health problems - that are not yours to fix, but to avoid.