I love him…but I don’t like him a lot of the time.

[Crayoningthesky]

I met a man on online dating about 3 years ago, both of us divorced with dc. We have our dc 50% of the time each and so tend to see each other when we don’t have our dc. My dc have met him several times and don’t like him very much.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.
He seems to think it’s only him that ever has small problems or issues with ex partners / work / family. Most of the things are stuff we all deal with but they make him become very angry and ‘woe is me.’ He talks a lot about how he’s better than everyone else but no one recognises this and it makes his life very difficult - any perceived ‘failure’ is blamed on others not realising how great he is. I find that when he is in this state he doesn’t want any input from me, just to tell me about it and so I don’t say anything and sometimes that can go on for several hours.
I love him, but increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance. When I am with him it’s never how it has been in my head, it’s never how I imagine it to be.

Im not sure where to go from here. I doubt he will change but I do love him.

He's a bully who's trying to control you. Text him it's over and to never contact you again, block him, and if he harasses you even once, call the police.

I haven't read all the posts. It does not matter if he has autism or any mental health condition. You should leave him. He is not good for your children and you deserve better.

Why on earth would you stay with a man who 'threatens to destroy you' if you dump him ?
Plus all the other vile things you tell us about him ,how can you even contemplate a future with him if you keep him away from your children ?
Look at all the scenarios you will have potential difficulties with in the future if you stay with him , all the special family occasions he can't be brought to , all the egg shells you will be walking on .
The fact that he could jeopardise my relationship with my children as they age is enough alone , but kids aside he clearly is a nasty piece of work , don't be yet another woman who stays because 'i love him ' he is certainly not worthy .

So preempt him OP.

"I know you will make some sort of threat to try and stop me telling you the following but this is cohersive control which is a form of abuse, not love or friendship, so I am saying this and meaning this now, you will not be able to change my mind I am not your possession. Our relationship is over."

He sounds dreadful OP by the way.

You, rightly, keep him away from your children, why don't you want the same for yourself?

@Crayoningthesky Yesterday, I said, And block him becuase you will receive a stream of calls, messages, visits etc that will range from begging and pleading, to threatening, to abusive.

And today you've confirmed that.

I can feel people getting frustrated with you because you say all these things that show so clearly what a terrible person he is, but you don't seem to be able to leave him.

I get it. These men are masters at getting under your skin and making it YOUR problem and YOUR responsibility for their happiness (well, actually, just for everything). But it truly IS ridiculous. You're scared of breaking up with him because he'll be mean to you? You're staying in a relationship with him because you feel sorry for him?

You need to do a LOT more work with your therapist.

I'm also going to say something quite harsh now, I'm sorry but I think it needs to be said: Lots of posters have said this is damaging for your children that this man is around. I agree. But I will take it further - your inability to take control, feeling responsible for everything etc is very likely to be very bad for your children, even without this wanker in your lives. Do THEY trample over your boundaries? Do you find yourself excusing poor behaviour?

The chances are that you're bringing up children who will be entitled and spoilt because you are so bad at boundaries. I don't blame you - I am sure that you have your own shit that has caused this. But it is even more reason to a) break up with this man and b) work much much harder at your therapy.

He has learnt all this nonsense from the nasty incel-tate-red pill-MGTOW part of the internet.

People don't treat him right? Like what some fucking emperor god who knocks over the kid's board game?

Please leave OP. Control and misery is all you will see if you stay. I mean you are most of the way there, add in he moves in once kids leave, they never visit and you will be his house slave making sure nothing upsets him, making sure you have enough money to buy stuff for him so he is "treated right", looking after him if he is sick and still being expected to cook and clean when you are ill.

He's not a man, he's an abuser. And he's not even hiding it, which is very lucky for you.

Run OP. Let him "destroy you" as he threatenings. If he says "I'll destroy you" just reply "ok"

@Crayoningthesky please, please listen to that Assume Nothing podcast, the whole way through, in private (earphones and long walk). You can download the BBC Sounds App for free onto your phone and download the 8 short eps so you don't need to use up your mobile data.

The details you are giving are ringing so many alarm bells.

Please listen to it to the end of the very last episode and talk about best next steps to step away cleanly and protect yourself with your therapist.

This relationship is not romantic in any way. Extract yourself completely, no drama, no dramatics, no debate, no last anything.

You obviously are very caring and have an inquiring mind. You write very well and are self-aware in many ways. You know what you need to do, you just need help doing it and that is a very wise and legitimate question given what he said last time - that is chilling.

Put your energies into something else, something which uses all these great qualities to good purpose - be it working/volunteering with children, writing, whatever - you will soon be distracted, meeting new people, totally forgetting and getting over this abusive 'love'.

All best, upwards & onwards.

@Crayoningthesky p.s. I don't mean to scare you or give this guy any increased fear factor. He sounds a self-obsessed idiot.

Just if you do listen to the podcast, I guarantee you will recognise bits of it and I really hope it gives you the resolve to step away completely and frees you from any notion of 'love' for him.

How are you feeling @Crayoningthesky?

@Crayoningthesky you sound paralysed with fear. I know potter posters are getting frustrated by your lack of action but start to take back a bit of control.
First start with distancing him - could you say you have a bad tummy bug ect and say you are not up to seeing him. Try not see him for a week .. in that time listen to the pod casts others are suggesting start to plan to get away from him. The more I hear about the man, the more dangerous he sounds op. Please take care of yourself and stay safe x

You've got the ick.
It's time to end things and get a cat.

And you're still with him?

FGS! Can you cope without a man? Good. Ditch him

There is no way on God's Green Earth that there is anything remotely loveable about this man

I feel sorry for his children

You can escape.

And you should

Tell him you're done and then block

So you're being abused?

Speak to Women's Aid

Don’t be frightened of him.

Finish it by text or if you want to call him and remember no means NO.

Do not see him in person. Do not cave, he cannot make you do anything against your will.

Tell him in no uncertain terms, you will contact the police immediately if he causes any problems.

If it comes to it (which I’m sure it won’t) make sure to tell them the full measure of this ugly aggressive man.

For it looks like he just acts disrepectful, and 'I'm sure that sooner or later you'll drop him. He's just selfish. Only cares about himself.
I remember I've been in a relationship like that when it seems that you love the man and he is not that bad. But he cares only about his own needs, which is awful.
Well, in my relationships, my last drop was when I asked him to pick me up from work when there was a tube strike, and I couldn't get home. The cab was to expensive and taking a bus would take me forever. He told me that the gas is too expensive.
Later, I found out that he took his ""friend"" outside of the city, and according to his words ""She was dropped by her boyfriend, so she wanted to have a photo shoot in a nice place to make him want her to win her back.""
I just packed my stuff and left. It was a while ago, and it was a tough decision. But I'm happy that I've done it.

“Lighteningstrikes · Today 13:35
Don’t be frightened of him.

Finish it by text or if you want to call him and remember no means NO.
Do not see him in person. Do not cave, he cannot make you do anything against your will.

Tell him in no uncertain terms, you will contact the police immediately if he causes any problems.

If it comes to it (which I’m sure it won’t) make sure to tell them the full measure of this ugly aggressive man.”

Excellent advice from @Lighteningstrikes. This man has been abusing you already. Do NOT see him in person. End it from a distance. A text is best. You can’t discuss it the way you could with a decent person and you need to protect yourself. Ideally have a friend or relative staying with you for a few days in case he comes round and tries to make a scene. You might want to let the police know what you’re doing (see below). You owe this man nothing. You owe it to yourself and your children to get away from him.

A dear friend of mine - before leaving her emotionally abusive partner - rang the police on a non-urgent basis to report what had been going on. They made a note of everything and flagged her for an urgent response if there were issues when she ended the marriage (they shared a house). He made a big song and dance and threatened suicide (emotional blackmail) and things were tricky for a while but they’re out the other side of the divorce; they’ve sold the house and are actually on fairly decent terms for co-parenting purposes. You might want to make a similar report to the police, especially given his threats.

when I broke up with him before he said he’d destroy me.

What…the…fuck?! He sounds dangerous. End it, not in person, refuse to even discuss it with him. He will begin his narcissistic manipulation immediately. Dump and block. Do not allow him back in, in any way.

I just wanted to write something to let you know I truly empathise. I was with a partner for 5 years, I adored him. In retrospect he did w very thorough love bombing job on me ( I was vulnerable having just left an abusive marriage) and presented himself as perfect. He wasn't, but even after truly terrible treatment of me I still loved him. I gradually woke up to the fact that I really didn't LIKE him at all, he was everything I would normally dislike once I got to know him; grandiose, egotistical, lazy, earned nothing and bullying ... I still felt like I loved him. I kicked him out when he turned on my kids and went hot foot to a therapist to keep me away from this man. That was 8 years ago and honestly now I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire, but I do understand how you feel.
Its not really love, It cant be. But it is powerful

https://apn.com/resources/how-to-heal-from-a-trauma-bond-relationship/

@CrayoningtheskyThis article is interesting, especially the co-dependent paragraph and the science behind trauma bonds - how they can be confused with 'love'.

All best & take care