I love him…but I don’t like him a lot of the time.

[Crayoningthesky]

I met a man on online dating about 3 years ago, both of us divorced with dc. We have our dc 50% of the time each and so tend to see each other when we don’t have our dc. My dc have met him several times and don’t like him very much.

He can be great.
But he can also be really difficult and negative and I think has become more like this the longer we’ve been together, to the point where I now dread seeing him or speaking to him as I don’t know if I’m going to get hours of how awful and hard his life is and how no one understands how hard everything is for him. He can become quite angry during those times too, not at me, just at everything I think. He can also be negative about his dc.
He seems to think it’s only him that ever has small problems or issues with ex partners / work / family. Most of the things are stuff we all deal with but they make him become very angry and ‘woe is me.’ He talks a lot about how he’s better than everyone else but no one recognises this and it makes his life very difficult - any perceived ‘failure’ is blamed on others not realising how great he is. I find that when he is in this state he doesn’t want any input from me, just to tell me about it and so I don’t say anything and sometimes that can go on for several hours.
I love him, but increasingly I find I can only do this at a distance. When I am with him it’s never how it has been in my head, it’s never how I imagine it to be.

Im not sure where to go from here. I doubt he will change but I do love him.

I think this guy is offering you a great gift. The fact that you are willing to put with this behaviour even though you deem it unacceptable for your children says something about your relationship with yourself. Get into therapy now and work out what it is.

It’ll be much easier to get rid of him and stay rid once you understand what draws you to this damaging experience in the first place. And that understanding will certainly make you happier and better boundaried in future relationships.

Sorry OP, you're probably feeling bombarded by messages. You're obviously a very caring and empathetic person with a strong conscience. It seems very unlikely that he is though. So you need to protect yourself and build up your self-worth. He won't.

He sounds worse with each time you post.

Have you discussed his behaviour with him? Does he see it?

Your DCs are wise, and can see him for who he is. You on the other hand have been conditioned to accept his appalling behaviour.
you asked where do you go from here; you’ve been given good advice from the other posters, dump his miserable ass and find yourself.

Good luck with this one, your gonna need it.
Personally l think life is too short to be stuck with a bell end.

He sounds like he may have emotionally unstable personality disorder aka borderline personality disorder. You seriously need to rethink this whole situation - you’ll always be treading on eggshells, waiting for the next trigger. He has a grandiose sense of self and this is also likely to be associated with this or another serious mental health condition. Honestly, he is not yours to fix and it will prove impossible. This man is not better than no man.

Do you really love him though? What is there to love about him? I can understand people still loving their children even if they dislike their characters, but a partner?

It does sound like there is something seriously wrong with him. Sorry to put it like that but why does he think he is better than everyone else? Yet he is still a victim? He sounds awful and what you have written is quite shocking especially the part about him ruining your children’s game. How pathetic.

I would be concerned about his reaction if/when you end it so have a plan and stick to it.

@Crayoningthesky how do you leave someone that you think you love but is absolutely not healthy to have in your life?

you think of how his moods, sulks and tantrums impact your mental wellbeing.

you think of how his behaviour and attitude is so bad your own children don’t want to know him.

you think of the message allowing someone like this to be in your life sends to your children for relationship modelling.

you think of the fact that’s he’s a grown ass man and the reason he’s ‘lonely’ is because his revolting behaviour generally doesn’t win friends or make people feel like staying in his life.

His social life and loneliness is not yours to solve.

have the awkward conversation. Don’t allow for second chances or ‘I’ll change..’ etc. dump him. Cut contact. Delete numbers. Move on having fun with children and a social life with adults who don’t sulk.

What do you love about him OP?

How can you love someone like this? Sounds odious. Also find it mad that people confuse love with holding on for the sake of it. Is your self-esteem okay?

This is truly horrific, ew this man is utterly odious - what the heck are you doing lady?

So it sounds like you put his feelings over your own. Why feel guilty for a grown man? Everyone has choices in this life, unless he is a true victim then why feel guilty? Isnt this like having an overgrown sulky teenager, how on earth can that be attractive? Please change your life, choose yourself, cut this one free

You keep saying you love him but you haven’t given any substance to it. Why do you love him? What is he doing to enrich your life?

It sounds like he’s a drain. It sounds like he makes you unhappy. So how and why do you love him?

Why on earth are you putting up with this??? You're walking on eggshells and your kids don't like him. GET RID.

Ffs???! Why are you managing his behaviour?? Is it fun? Are you enjoying yourself with him? GET RID. 🤨

What do you mean ' how to leave someone ' ?

He's only a boyfriend, he's not a live in partner he's not a husband so there is no ' leaving ' to do is there ?

he's a boyfriend that you need to finish with and move on, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

You don't love him. You have an emotional dependence on him and the two of you are entwined in a very unhealthy way, but that is not love.

He's an immature twat with anger issues whom your children can't stand. Of course you must leave him and you do to a man you "love" by telling him it's over and stopping all contact. I think after a few weeks of breathing free and not having to walk on eggshells lest he violently explode, you will be well on the way to living happily and healthily without him.

I’m not sure if you’ve had therapy before OP and I know if people haven’t had any sometimes it sounds a bit weird or extreme to them. But, the best thing I can suggest for avoiding going back to him after breaking things off, or ending up with a similar man in future, is to work with a therapist to understand yourself more.

I’ve had therapy and would 100% recommend it. I know it can be pricey, and I’m not sure if you’re on a budget, but when it’s needed I would put it above any other optional costs for myself. Understanding why we do things/accept things/say or don’t say things is so helpful.

I’ve had therapy previously and ive just gone back to it. My therapist has listened to me talk about this man and said that although she cannot make any guesses as to causes of his behaviour what I am describing is a narcissistic thought process.

I have lots more examples, similar to the ones given here, of relatively minor things causing major meltdowns. My therapist says he has to be the victim or the ‘best worst’ in order to make himself special. So he’ll switch between woe is me to ‘oh I’m so terrible.’

We’ve discussed my ability to tolerate and why I am willing to tolerate situations which are less than ideal - to put it mildly.
The only way I can describe it is that I think my initial reactions are right but then I make excuses or rationalise behaviour even though I know really it isn’t acceptable. I think no one’s perfect.

You’re right, no one is perfect. But some are less perfect than others.

It’s great that you’re in therapy but, respectfully, it sounds like your focus may be in the wrong place. Your therapist is for you, not for you to diagnose him. The important thing is to dig into the reasons why you are drawn to such an unhealthy dynamic. What is pulling you back here? Because there’s something compelling going on with you that really has nothing to do with him. And once you understand that you’ll be free. And better able to navigate boundaries in future relationships both romantic and plutonic. He’s not the focus here. You are. Centre yourself.

That’s great you’ve restarted therapy. As you’ve said a good bit of time has been spent talking about him in the sessions, I’d consider how you frame the future sessions once you do break up with him. The focus from here on out needs to be you and not him. He’s taken enough of your headspace during this relationship, so make understanding you the priority now, not him. Wishing you the best OP 💐💐💐

Your initial post OP asked "I'm not sure where to go from here"

Where would you like to go from here?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0hj410j?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Op, coincidentally, I binge listened to this podcast series earlier today.

I appreciate it discusses the most extreme cases of domestic abuse (trigger warning - ending in female murder) ... but the point is, domestic abuse cases all start in a remarkably similar pattern. Every woman should be aware.

What you are describing does not sound like a good foundation for a healthy relationship at all / ever.

You owe YOURSELF good care and guardianship, NOT HIM. Don't feel sorry for him and don't be sucked into this very negative sounding, one way relationship. You are already isolating yourself from your kids.... Why? Don't miss out on time with your kids to spend time nursing someone else's fragile ego - especially one who is easily upset, punches walls, blames their ex partners for everything, has very poor impulse control and your kids don't like (for very good reason). If not for you, at least for your kids...dont accept anything less than a healthy, happy relationship and demonstrate good boundaries.