A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Hello@mummypigoink how are you doing?

@mummypigoink the less I see him, the less I will care. He’s not in today so I feel less anxious that I may bump into him. I just have that guilty feeling that he thinks I hate him but why should I care?

I’m actually OK, thanks @Clytemnestra21. The benefit of being on the receiving end of a complete dick move: now the initial sadness has worn off, I’m just glad to be away from it and wondering why the hell I invested so much in what was really so little. Pissed off I was so pathetic a few messages ago. How are you doing?

@Vvmumofone why would he think you hate him? I think that is just another stage in you moving away from the whole thing, so try not to give it too much headspace.

Well done @mummypigoink
Glad the sadness has worn off and you're feeling glad to be out of it. Must be a relief though can understand you being pissed off too.
I'm okay thanks. The situation with my guy is still uncertain as we didn't actually have the chat when we saw each other last and we can't see each other very often. I can't decide whether me wanting more is as much about me struggling with uncertainty and feeling generally mistrustful rather than wanting anything specific/logistical to change.

Awh, that's kind of you to say I give reassuring advice @Clytemnestra21

Did you have a fun time? My point being, was it worth caving? Was the hour or so you spent together worth all the angst and headspace you're giving him? Will it be worth all the future headspace?

I hear you're feeling a bit foolish too. And uncertain as to how to proceed. It's hard to see how to move forward when you're stuck in a situation. How often are you in contact outside arranging meeting up? Maybe going cold turkey and a period of no contact with him might help get your head straight? It's hard, but it'll give you some headspace to think through what you want.

@Vvmumofone have a look at what you've typed...you know you feel guilty about something you think he thinks about you. You don't know that he thinks that. You know you shouldn't care. But you do care. About something you don't know to be true or not. What you've written makes no sense. That's how much your brain is overthinking this. You know you'll emerge into the sun soon... It's getting through this bit, isn't it? I'm glad your colleague helped you get some perspective.

You've made me laugh @mummypigoink that you annoyed yourself with your own messages. I think this thread is a great journal of the paths we're all taking and our decision making processes.

How's things going with your 2 men @Destinyforthetaking22 ?

@OfcourseitsaNC yep overthinking brain is on sometimes. Trying to quiet the brain is fun. And no I should not care.

I'm glad you've started this. I caught feelings for my fwb partner recently and was devastated when I found out he was seeing other women. The sex was amazing. I've ended it with him a week ago and blocked him on everything. If he asks me to see him I'll struggle to resist. It's been going on for some years and ultimately not doing me much good to move on from my messy break up from my previous long term partner. I shall always be grateful for the mind blowing orgasm though.

@highdaysandholudays welcome! This is a very supportive thread. Sorry you've been devastated. That's hard. Sounds like you're trying to put it in perspective and remember the good times though! 😃

@OfcourseitsaNC it's definitely taking up too much headspace!

So is a period of no contact something you'd consider to give yourself some headspace?

My xFwB gave me the best orgasm of my life @highdaysandholudays . I couldn't speak for at least 5 minutes after. We had such a giggle talking through why I had such an intense reaction to what he did. Those moments of intimacy make it hard to think they're quite happy fucking others and having that deep connection with them too, isn't it? Well done on ending and blocking. We're here if he gets back in touch and you want some moral support.

Personally I think as women we have those mind blowing orgasms BECAUSE feelings. And when the guy isn't being straight and open- that's really him using you. The FWB I have had amazing sex with I have always had feelings for. I have had sex with no feelings and no matter the 'skillz' the guy claims it's meh in comparison.

I find his thread very helpful. I finished with my semi relationship end of November and still struggling. It doesn’t help that I see him out on the high street now and again and he’s driven down my road a couple of times as I was leaving my house. There are many of what ifs. I regret ending it in one way as we had a great time when together and chatted every day, and it was so convenient to see him a she lived not far from me. But equally he wasn’t fully in and I was fraught with anxiety, not fully knowing where I stood with him.
so I guess it’s for the best but my gosh it’s hard

Hi @Slalom101 although I didn’t end it, I completely understand those feelings of anxiety and still somehow missing them sometimes. It’s tough but you will get there.

I’m having a quiet weekend and feeling just a bit sorry for myself with that everyone’s enjoying themselves and Im by myself. I know it’s not the done thing, but it does make me sad

Thank you @mummypigoink I struggle in the evenings the most
its when we use to chat every night, I miss that

@Slalom101 I know what you mean. It’s not actually him I miss, it’s the connection through messaging as much as the actual time. Trying very hard to focus on doing things that need doing and trying to better myself. Most of the time it works but sometimes, like tonight, it’s hard. No words of wisdom to offer, just I get you.

Hello 👋
@OfcourseitsaNC
By no contact do you mean no conversation as well as not seeing each other?
I kind of went no contact for a couple of weeks over Christmas as wasn't available to see him and then had the conversation about ending things as I started the new year resolved to make a fresh start.
I've since been reeled back in. It's so clear to m it isn't what I want in many ways, but I want it enough for it to be hard to give it up. I know that isn't ideal. I admire the resolve of the other posters who have been decisive and sensible. Trying to be kind to myself and not let it affect my self esteem that I'm not yet ready to stop sleeping with him.

Don't feel too bad @Clytemnestra21 , I'm in exactly the same position , as I have ummed and ahhed about mine for AGES but still see him and it's just too good to give up. The ridiculous thing about mine is that I haven't even asked him (recently) if he sees other people as, if he said he did, I would definitely end it, so I don't ask because I seem to prefer to have my head in the sand.. I did mention it to him back in 2023, when I explained that I would expect us to be exclusive and would be hurt if he was seeing others. He sort of nodded and said 'mmm' in a cleverly noncommittal way at that point and we haven't spoken about it since. I'm not stupid though, I know what that really means.. I just can't bring myself to ask again and/or to end it as I really enjoy our meet-ups, and I couldn't be arsed to rejoin a dating website so it's either this or celibacy. And I don't fancy that right now! So, you're not alone. Lots of us drifting around in the same semi-satisfying but semi-maddening pool!

👋 @Clytemnestra21 Yes, I meant no messaging as well as not seeing him.

It sounds like you and @shivermetimbers77 are in a similar place.

I get the sex is very very appealing. I'd prefer a life with sex than no sex. I get that the route to find a replacement is hard work. Finding a new FWB is hard graft, and who knows if the grass will be greener? 🤷

Only you can answer if the continued sex is worth the way he's got under your skin and into your head. Can you rein your emotions in enough for the sex? Do you want to?

I really miss the continual daily messaging I had with XFwB. I'm through the hard bit now, but I still miss the chatter through the day. I really really miss fucking him for so many reasons. I've broken my vibe 🤣

I'm still glad I ended things. When his harsh revelation came out that made me dislike him even more, I'm so glad I had finished it. But I miss the lovely parts of him and I think that will take a while to fade.

Being hurt and upset and sad is part of life. Your relationship with your FwB is making you walk through hurt and upset for an unknown time. If you end things, the end of the hurt act sadness will be in sight. It's up to you which one you choose.

@OfcourseitsaNC i feel sad about mine too and miss the messaging, I think that’s the hardest but but I don’t expect him to message which makes it easier.

after I messaged on here last week, he rang me the next day but I didn’t ring back then came into my office asking why I’d been so quiet. I’m like I asked for space, come on. And since then I’ve found it much harder to deal with. I’ve kept the NC up though. Today was his birthday and I really wanted to reach out but I didn’t and now I feel awful and thinking should I message tomorrow to say I forgot but then that breaks my no contact rule. Ahhhh help me. Tell me I’m doing the right thing here.

@Vvmumofone yes you are doing the right thing. There’s no point going through the hurt again and, as my experience shows, nothing will change second time around, even if they say it will.

Hugs to everyone else. I’m actually glad someone else cut the strings because otherwise I’d be in the same limbo. No wisdom, just solidarity.

Don't do it @Vvmumofone You've got this far. Keep going.

💪💪💪

Thanks @shivermetimbers77 and @OfcourseitsaNC 🙏🙏🙏

@Vvmumofone sounds like you're doing amazingly well, must be so hard, hang in there!

I have absolutely no willpower or boundaries. 😳

I'm scared I'm going to look back on myself in the future and cringe.

But part of me is really enjoying it. Think it's partly the distraction because everything else is a bit hard and bleak.

@Clytemnestra21 @OfcourseitsaNC i did email him in the end as he’d sent out one to say about cakes. But he then started the whole do you hate me etc. I was just to the point and then left it, then later messages again but I left it. Today starts trying to chat to me like normal. I just shut it down. He just doesn’t get it, like I’m sorry we can’t go back to hanging out like we used to and now I’m thinking do I just need to be straight with him on this and say that.

Good for you @Vvmumofone sounds like you're being really firm