A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Sorry to hear that, everyone. I do think this shows that the “no feelings” position is unworkable, at least for women. It’s natural for us to feel bonded with a man we sleep with repeatedly, even if it’s not full-on love. Which is not to say that FWB shouldn’t happen but just to acknowledge there can be disappointment, sadness and even a bit of pain if it comes to an end. Probably also because you get all the upside of a relationship without the more mundane elements, which makes it a bit of a holiday from reality. That said, if DH and I were to split, I think FWB is the most I would ever want so I completely get the attraction of them.

@MadeForFun similar, he was in touch less often and no arrangement to catch up for a couple weeks when aside from if one of us away on holiday or something it was once/twice a week. So it wasn't a total shock.

@dery so you've never had one yourself? They usually work well for me just this one was a little different as aside from the aforementioned obstacles we had a lot in common as well as great sex, we got along well.

I think it's insulting to say catching feelings only happens to women, I can assure you it doesn't! I had to cut one off a few years back as he was way more into me than I him.

I really really wish I could handle a FWB situation.

But I know I would fall in love and take years to get over them.

I just feel like FWB would be great fun otherwise and educational too!

Yes I’ve been there, most recent one has fallen hook line and sinker for someone else in our friendship group. I’m not possessive but it smarts a bit, and I need to fill the gap in my life.

After months of discretion he now blushes furiously when we speak, but I’m sure we can revert to F without B.

My FWB is now my best friend. I moved away which cut the benefits off. He'd said he loved me. Five odd years on, we still message every day and I've not seen him since. I'm still single. So is he.

@FWBSurvivor Only a week.. so still feeling a little sore from it all. Luckily I've had this week off so haven't had to see him but I'm really not looking forward to Monday. Just not sure how to switch my feelings off tbh

@BlastedPimples it certainly has its advantages 

@TitInATrance ouch! That sucks! Sorry you're having to deal with that it's very close to home that.

@OldTinHat that sounds a missed opportunity maybe there for you both?

@SinkingSwim oh crikey that does sound difficult. I don't think you can switch feelings off I think for you a tip from "cocktail" - "never show surprise, never lose your cool" at least in front of him. Have you real life support?

I need this thread today - NC from the shame.
I had a casual situation with someone in an open relationship, I liked hanging out with him but I caught feelings so ended it in late January.

Recently I felt a little lstarved of physical contact, so I reached out to him.

The shame is that

1. It took him 5 days to reply.
2. He said he'd met a new woman - fine, but that me stopped in my tracks.
3. The new woman wants a threesome, and he thought of me?

So I am not so much nursing my bruised ego as my bruised dignity for having reopened that door. Hope it gives someone a giggle.

@FWBSurvivor No real life support, not many friends and I don't want anyone at work to know as I'd rather not be the subject of gossip! I won't let him see it's fazed me at all, I'll just be casual but distant I think..

It can be tricky
I met mine at 13, first slept with him at 17 and we had a FWB situation for er 16 years
Worked well. I loved him but wasn't in love with him, more like love as a friend

@FacePalm161 I've nc too I'm way too well known on here to face the shame and I didn't want other stuff complicating replies. I'm not laughing at you, I'm wishing you hadn't been treated like that it's shocking.

I can't bring myself to delete the message thread on mine yet and I keep noseying at when he's been online - yes I know I'm pathetic! I'm only one day in though.

@SinkingSwim sorry you've no support, even my friends I would normally confide in on this kinda thing I can't as they know him too and I don't want anything getting back to him at all. Totally understand your not wanting to be the subject of office gossip

@peloton2024 wow! That's a very long time. And so complicated too.

I'm back on the dating apps, my usual way to move on, but yikes it is slim pickings out there! Plus I did an accidental match with a crusty! Oops! Had to google how to unmatch too as I'd forgotten

Oh gosh yes, need this thread too!

I have no idea where things are with my FWB as he just doesn't do communication (not a good sign is it??!) but he hasn't responded to any messages for weeks now.

The rejection is really painful at times as like many of you here, I can't separate out a physical relationship and 'feelings' even if he is a closed/complicated arsehole most of the time!

OMG the magnetism we had was incredible though and I miss it so much 😭

Sorry you're going through that @ihavenamechanged3 is he usually this bad on the communication? Mine messages daily until recently which I suppose did mean I fairly quickly/easily knew what was coming

I'm currently fighting the urge to message mine. I know he isn't good for me... hell... he wouldn't even give me foreplay.... but l so enjoyed being held in someone's arms again.

I totally get where you're coming from with the feelings thing, he didn't seem to catch feelings at all but I just couldn't seem to switch mine off like that! And the rejection really stings doesn't it, it's weird because it's not like a typical heartbreak situation I suppose!

@NeedToAskPlease Don't do it!!! This is the thing: mine wasn't that good either. To be honest, I met him when I'd not dated/slept with anyone for a while, had recently moved and had a bunch of upheaval, and I thought "I'd like to date someone again".

OLD put paid to that desire, and with hindsight he just rolled up when my defences were low enough and I just wanted to feel like a sexual being. Ideally I'd not be an "extra" in an open relationship but I just wanted to feel seen and be held. Until I caught feelings which is a pretty big deal breaker when the terms were clear.

Do not contact your former FWB - especially if there is not even foreplay because what's the point? - but also because what has become obvious to me is that a FWB is never going to meet that emotional need. Nor should they, if they have made the situation clear. But that doesn't stop us feeling frustrated, angry or upset when we come at the situation with an emotional need.

@FWBSurvivor thank you for being so kind. I think he and I were having two different conversations - I was a bit nostalgic and wanted comfort/familiarity, whereas he'd clearly never had that much skin in the game, pun intended. Seeing a new person is fine, none of my business, but just throwing it in there with "she said threesome, I thought of you!" was clumsy and insensitive. When we were FWB I took his words about affection and respect seriously, but that gave me the ick - I do not want to be on that idiot's knob roster.

I deleted the conversation and his number immediately, and luckily I don't work with him. In your place I'd delete the chats and anything that you can moon over, and good luck with being cool and aloof 💐

This is so f*cking annoying and I feel this 100% - mine also had a longterm partner in an open relationship so the terms were clear. However, he also took a while to get hard and said that he needed to feel connected to me to really get into it. We had some good sex, there was cuddling, chatting, listening to music, I cooked, he fixed my kitchen light...

So he stated verbally that he didn't want an emotional connection, but then did BF-like things and through his need to "feel connected" he was counting on me being invested. Cheeky Fucker.

I said to mine that he gave me mixed message's.

So he said that he is emotionally shy and doesn't feel things in the same way as other people do but l was "a friend who mattered" (WTF does that even mean!!??).

But we would kiss, cuddle, go for walks, cinema, he cooked me dinner, out for food, message every day. He also let me try his food (in public) by feeding it to me.

To me all those actions were quite intimate and more then just a FWB situation... but then he dropped the bomb shell that he would rather give me up then even try to satisfy me... so he did all of that without even having one tiny piece of affection or care for me.

And yet l still miss him and want to see him again.

That's the fucking killer isn't it. Bastards. Went back online tonight and it was slim pickings 😀😀😀

We need to keep this humour to get us through

@NeedToAskPlease stay strong! Do not message him!

I am also resisting the urge. Hard though it is, I'm keeping the message thread open for now for...reasons. I think I'm gonna give myself/him a month. Then I'll hide or delete it if I'm brave enough. I'm keeping myself busy with friends and work and hobbies, but I won't pretend it's easy you guys know it isn't.

And the rejection really stings doesn't it, it's weird because it's not like a typical heartbreak situation I suppose!

I'm not heartbroken, I've been heartbroken before I refuse to give him that power and honestly think I'm more ego bruised, confused and annoyed at his lack of honesty with himself and me, cos I think it was him caught feelings and didn't wanna admit it.

@FacePalm161 you're very welcome.
Same I felt mixed messages/2 conversations also. Which is frustrating to say the least. Mine also had allll the words.

Then worse I think he was just gonna ghost me but I messaged him (kept it light) and he messaged back just like his usual self at first so that kinda got my hopes up, he then dropped the bomb.

But we would kiss, cuddle, go for walks, cinema, he cooked me dinner, out for food, message every day. very similar here

We need to keep this humour to get us through

Too right!

Might I suggest a playlist too?

Playlist :

Gotta have it even though it's super cheesy

Gloria gaynor - I will survive

Taylor swift - blank space

Kelly clarkson since you been gone

Somebody that I used to know - gotye

Dua lipa new rules

Don't speak no doubt

Thank u next Ariana grande

Take a bow Rihanna

Shout out to my ex little mix

Alanis morisette you oughta know

Olivia Rodrigo vampire

Leave (get out) jojo

Beyoncé irreplaceable

Carly Simon you're so vain

Barbra Streisand the way we were

Robyn dancing on my own

So what are you adding to this?

I've archived FWB but I still go and have a look at messages and pics occasionally. I'm often tempted to contact him but have to remind myself that he really let me down when I was at my most vulnerable and it's best not to go back there. I also haven't a clue what his life looks like now. It's been four years. He might have a wife and kids now 🤷🏻‍♀️

@FacePalm161 Yes! The boyfriend like behaviour. Cooking, getting my favourite foods in, recording stuff on the telly he knew I'd like. Doing little jobs in my house for me. It's so weird that you're that intertwined and intimate but ultimately it's nothing.

My FWB does this too. I think it's these sorts of things that's making it hard when it ends. It's more than sex that's off the cards, but the companionship you were enjoying.

FWB got really upset when I ended things when I started seeing someone. Not at the loss of me, but "I'm in my 50s... Where am I going to find someone to have sex with?"

When things ended with my boyfriend, I went back to FWB. He was happy to have me back, having not found anyone in the year I'd been dating. His response when I ended things before mean I know I'll never fall for him. I can't catch feels for someone who has such little regard for me beyond someone to have sex with. I'm glad I saw that side of him.

We've known each other 4 years. I'm feeling I might see this summer out, then end things. It's just feeling like it's run its course. I can point him in your direction @FWBSurvivor ? He'd be happy with you being non monogamous.

You know the MN line is that this type of engagement isn't FWB, but a relationship. I'm so glad to hear other people in FWB arrangements go on dates and watch TV and cook together.