A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

@Clytemnestra21 part of me wants to tell him it’s too hard at work but then will that make it any easier.

@Clytemnestra21 @Vvmumofone I’ve realised that the uncertainty and waiting for his messages was occupying far too much headspace and it really does feel like a weight has been lifted. And that’s really not how ANYTHING in life should be.

@Vvmumofone you’re going to work and getting on with it. Bloody strong!! @Clytemnestra21 just because you don’t feel like you’re doing well doesn’t mean that you aren’t. You two both can see in your heads and know what you’re thinking. No one else can, and everyone else is seeing you getting on with it.

And again @Clytemnestra21 he’s still the one pushing despite you being clear you want more than he says he wants to give. Why hasn’t he ran for the hills? From what you’ve said, (and sorry if this is harsh), it sounds like he’d be able to find someone else reasonably easily if he just wants to shag around. He’s another one with issues…..

And this thread is really making me feel connected to people at a time when I need it. So thank you.

Hi all, just bookmarking here. I'm a fellow fwb adventurer and survivor so fascinated to hear all your experiences. Sounds like this thread has become less 'tongue in cheek' and a bit more 'rallying to help and support' when it all goes a bit emotionally wrong, which is lovely. Perhaps this thread should become a recurring one, like the dating thread.

@Clytemnestra21 i agree with the waiting around for messages. Since mine stopped this, I no longer wait and so that part I can deal with. Work however is hard, did I tell you guys the girl I thought he was interested in at work, he did ask out but she rejected him but I have this gut feeling he’s trying his luck again with her. I just hope she doesn’t, because it’s hard enough seeing him let alone knowing he’s seeing someone else I work with and get on with. I mean I might be wrong but that would just be so shit! She knows about us so I’ll find out if there’s anything going on as she will tell me.

So proud of you ladies

@Clytemnestra21 I'll be honest, he sounds like an absolute child. I'm sure he's irresistible with the hot conversation, but he's doing it because he knows the buttons to press to try to win you round. Like a child does. Have you decided on the level of shitty for your exit strategy?

@mummypigoink I'm sure you're hurting, but you've extracted well imo. You've had a conversation about closure, so you can get things straight in your head. You can already see the benefits of not waiting around for him not to be in touch. You know you're heading in the right direction.

@Vvmumofone what a bastard asking her out so soon. You're doing all you can to protect yourself and he's being a dick. Try not to torture yourself too much by asking the girl he's chasing what he's doing.

These men are such bastards, aren't they? What gives them the right to think they can treat us like crap?

It feels a bit similar to how you seemed to be@OfcourseitsaNC where they do something that makes the scales fall from your eyes. The odd thing twinges but I know it’s more the feelings that I’m somehow lacking and the loneliness that are bothering me. As I said the last time, I need to make peace with who I am and what life has to offer.

How’s everyone else feeling tonight?

The scales falling moment definitely helps doesn't it @mummypigoink ?

I'm certain you're not lacking in anyway. You're just currently feeling a bit bruised by how he treated you, I imagine. I did.

Absolutely @OfcourseitsaNC. He was under no obligation to be with me and in the long run was right to end it but to just ignore me shows a weakness in character. But after telling all my friends how lonely I felt, none of them actually care enough to offer to do anything with me which is making me face up to the fact that yes I am lacking. Time to cut my losses on a few fronts I think.

Hi all I am new to thread and FWB and would love some advice on how to navigate and do this in the healthiest way if that’s the right word. So I have two potential fwb. Quite different from each other which is a good thing. Been a long time since I have been intimate so a bit nervous about that. How do I get over the nerves?

Have you tried to arrange things with your friends? What has been their response when you try to put firm arrangements in the diary?

Get to know them before bedtime is the best advice. Try to spend some time having a coffee, walking, messaging. I meet someone at least twice in public places before getting down and dirty.

Build up to some sexting and picture swapping if you feel it goes that way.

Before fucking my first FwB, there was a lot of hot messaging. We swapped pics and videos too. We met twice. First time we both expected a quick 30 mins chat, which turned into 5 hours walking round a park. Second time we arranged a picnic in the woods. He brought prosecco and strawberries. I was sold.

Third time I went to his house.

The healthiest way to do this is condoms all the time - I know this shouldn't need saying, but a silly friend's behaviour tells me that it does. 🤦‍♀️

And protect your emotions. Look at it as a physical thing rather than a relationship. Reading through this thread will tell you just how emotionally lacking middle aged male FwB are. They're shits. Look after your mental health. Don't get hung up on them, or wait for them to message. Be confident in who you are and sure of what you want before embarking into a new friendship.

Good luck.

There are a lot of people on this thread who are too emotionally involved with their FWB.

I've had three of these relationships so I am qualified to comment. From my experience women in particular struggle "keeping a lid on things".

My latest FWB lives miles away so meeting up with her is only every six weeks or so. The moment you start texting good morning and good night messages, is the moment you are doomed. The thing is blokes are the worse at this. It's a way of getting women hooked. It works time and time again, as it's what they think women want to hear.

Managed to get a few to commit to an event in a few weeks. That’s a start.

Thanks @OfcourseitsaNC good advice. When you haven’t been with anyone in a while or exiting very long term relationships it’s hard reigniting that part of yourself because you can get stuck in a rut. It’s quite fun remembering how to flirt!

Ive met both and comfortable with them both that they’re safe and not murderers. Been messaging a while. I find one more attractive than the other but I think the one who’s lesser fit will be better in bed 😂. Who knows will be fun to find out.

I have a full and happy life otherwise and definitely don’t want to have to nurture a proper relationship so I think Fwb will work well. Will be pissed off if I get ghosted after but pretty sure I can deal with it. They both say they want something regular but words are cheap in our disposable world!

Daily Morning and night texts is a very relationshipy thing to do. Unless communication was like that from the start the change to this would be odd and I’d wonder what’s up. For me personally daily messaging is too much contact and imo you’re loosing the mystery of it.

But if it’s fwb thing why do guys think they need to get the woman hooked? She’s sleeping with you already. Are they scared she will get bored of them if they don’t offer more? Maybe a naive question

The women I met were from Fab, where women massively outnumber men.

Men on Fab are desperate to get women "hooked" before another man does.

I think that why I've appealed to the women I've chatted to. I appear different and a bit laid back, because I don't do it.

What Fab are you on, where women massively outnumber men? 🤣🤣🤣

If you know you know.

Ahhh I’ve been so stupid! Text him over weekend. Not asking anything just a comment about something during the day. He text back drunk saying he was sorry for everything, wasn’t seeing anyone else etc. I was led into a false sense of security thinking maybe he wanted to see me again so txt next day to ask and he shut me down. I then told him i needed distance at work which he’s said ok to. I feel like such a needy/desperate fool right now. Please tell me how I can stop my brain from thinking stupid thoughts about this. I’ve deleted his number from my phone so I can’t be tempted to text anymore. I am my own worst enemy!

We all have these moments. Don't beat yourself up.

You've done damage limitation to make sure it doesn't happen again. You've rightly asked him for space at work. You've deleted his number.

Try not to dwell on it too much. He probably isn't.

Endings are just hard.

Hi everyone.
@Vvmumofone I totally empathise,
I caved and spent time with FwB over the weekend. It was lovely to see him. We could have had the discussion but we just had fun instead. I guess I wasn't ready to let go.

But now it's back to square one. Nothing is resolved, I don't know when I'll see him again, the effort I made to take a stand was pointless. I want to text him but don't know what to say. I feel a bit foolish.

It's not the worst problem in the world to have. But it isn't ideal. So far so predictable.
@OfcourseitsaNC you give such reassuring advice. It's always a relief to read your messages. I'm a bit cross with myself tonight but I'm only human.

Hi @Clytemnestra21 and @OfcourseitsaNC been ok today. Spoke with a colleague who made me see sense and although he’s still in my mind, it’s less intense. First day no contact but I’ve been at home. Will see how tomorrow goes when I’m in the office.

and @Clytemnestra21 i totally get where you are. I was here too. It’s hard to let go and walk away because the chemicals get changed in our brain with these situations and they become more addictive than drugs which is quite scary but although it hurts mine ended it, he’s done me a favour because if he hadn't id still be in this vicious cycle. you are only human so don't beat yourself up too much. take each day as it comes.

Well done @Vvmumofone sounds like you've made a brilliant start! Hope you're ok

@Clytemnestra21 thank you. Second day done. Feel ok. Did see him as he walked through an office I was in but decided to not make eye contact and he never said hello. It’s kind of a weird feeling as I think about him but it’s not as intense or overwhelming as it was.

well done @Vvmumofone I think you’re right, thinking about them is a habit and it does get less with time. You are doing amazingly since you’re having to see him!