A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Well done @Clytemnestra21. I know it feels terrible right now, but future you will be very, very grateful that you did this.

Thanks @shivermetimbers77 and @Moresunlessrain
He's asking if I'm sure. I don't feel at all.

@Clytemnestra21 he will leave you be for a bit and then try again. So use this time to focus on you.

This makes him worse. What an absolute tool. The next few weeks are onto be tough @Clytemnestra21 but you’ve got through worse.

And, while I’m still having wobbles of sadness, I do genuinely feel all the time like a pressure has gone because I’m no linger constantly on tenterhooks waiting for his messages. It feels good, and you’ll get there too.

Thanks @mummypigoink I've messed it up: can't really say how as outing but I haven't been strong at all and am just a bit more humiliated.

Onwards and upwards @Clytemnestra21 are you still considering ending things or has he? Maybe think of it as break up sex! Don't beat yourself up though

Ah, sorry to hear that @Clytemnestra21 ..
We've all been there at some point with the humiliation over a man we like Im sure, (I certainly have anyway!). Don't be too hard on yourself.

Thank you @Moresunlessrain and @shivermetimbers77. He was probing why I want to end it and I basically admitted again that I've fallen for him and want this to be a real relationship. I'm feeling wretched.

Group hug!

How did he respond to that? Hopefully in an open and respectful way? I think it's good you've been clear about that there's no shame in having feelings for someone!!

Thanks 🙏
He's frustrated. We've had this conversation before. He's been consistently clear about his limits. We're still kind of in the conversation. What could be different etc. letting go is hard isn't it?

@Clytemnestra21 no, do you know what, there is nothing wrong with admitting that you’re developing feelings for someone you spend time with. Emotions change, everyone knows that and there’s no shame in it. And if you’re spending time and energy with someone and they’re a decent person, it’s not exactly surprising.

plus, if it was that simple for him, he’d have run for the hills when you said you were developing feelings the first time, never mind the second.

Letting go is hard. We both know that we both know that. Vent away while you decide what you’re doing. Big hugs.

You HAVE been strong. You've again said what is hard to say. Reminding him you now have feelings knowing he'll never reciprocate is not humiliating, it's strength. You're telling him what you need and reminding him he won't give you that, so you're walking away.

He obviously didn't hear it the first time, so you've said it again. Essentially, you've begun ending things. He doesn't like the fact you are.

SO THE BASTARD HAS THE GALL TO TURN THIS BACK ON YOU!!!!

What a cunty thing for him to do.

Poor thing, him being frustrated. He was always clear on his limits, don't you know?! Gah.

Remind him that because he was clear on his limits, you now know this can no longer work for you. You know you've crossed his limits. And you know you can no longer see him because of this.

Don't work with him to try to find a compromise, as I have no doubt it'll only be you comprising and him lapping up the feeling of being adored.

There is no compromise to be found if you have feelings. There's just a whole load of emotional angst for you.

As @mummypigoink says, endings are hard. They really are. Try to continue being strong to him and vent/weep/moan to us.

You really are doing very well.

It sounds like this is unlikely to end on a smile now. So I see that you have 3 choices:

A) try to work with him to find a compromise and continue seeing each other rarely. Retain those feelings you have for him, but box then up. Know that you'll have to go through all this again at some point. And feel shitty. And have a little bit of sex and connection.

B) continue ending things and finally say no more seeing each other. Start to let the feelings you have for him die off at a slow speed. And feel shitty. And have no sex but a little bit of connection.

C) rip the plaster off. Go no contact and block. Start to let the feelings you have for him die off at a faster speed. And feel shitty. And have no sex and no connection.

All options leave you feeling shitty. It depends how you want to emerge the other side as to which shitty you choose.

This bit is so so so hard. I get the impression your head is 51% and heart is 49% in control. I'd advise to keep listening to that winning head 2% and just keep wading through this awful shitty bit to end things if you can.

And if you can't, we get it!

He's frustrated?! What a horrible response

If it was the other way round, and he'd developed feelings for you, you probably would have said something lovely, like what a wonderful person he is but that you're not in a position for a relationship so best to end things. You definitely wouldn't have told him off and insisted he continued with just sex for your benefit, despite the pain it would cause him

I agree with everyone else, you've done nothing wrong. You've been honest and true to your feelings and the only honourable thing for him to do would be to acknowledge that you have feelings and stop having sex with you if he is unable to reciprocate for whatever reason (and it's almost certainly his own longstanding pattern of emotional avoidance that is driving this : nothing to do with you at all). Instead, he has the gall to express 'frustration' that you can't just ignore your feelings and carry on having sex with him.
Very selfish behaviour.

Thank you! 🙏 you are all so so supportive and I'm really grateful to you all and to this thread @shivermetimbers77, @Moresunlessrain, @OfcourseitsaNC, @mummypigoink, @Vvmumofone.

He's been asking what a real relationship would look like to me and what could have been done differently. Hasn't offered any comment or response. We're going to meet up when I'm childfree and talk in person. I know that's dangerous but it's probably more conclusive than just endless texting back and forth and misunderstanding one another.

I'm very conscious it could just be a way to string me along and I've listened to all of your experiences and I know how much some of you have been messed about @OfcourseitsaNC and @mummypigoink. As @OfcourseitsaNC says, it's probably more a question now of choosing the pace of shittiness rather than some happy ending. I'm going to hear him out. Though I'm sure I'll regret it. Will keep you updated.

Just make sure you meet in a neutral place, don't touch any alcohol and ensure it's miles away from either of your places!

Although I did all that with ex FWB when we had a chat in a cafe and still ended up in his car 🤦‍♀️

@Moresunlessrain that made me laugh!

We've very rarely met anywhere except mine. It will be interesting to see how he responds to a suggestion of a neutral meeting place.

@Clytemnestra21 you gotta be strong. He either wants commitment or he doesn’t and there is no in between. You’re happy to walk away if not.

The other way to look at this is closure is good. I probably made a tit of myself talking to him last week asking what had happened. But I asked. I don’t know if I got the truth but I’m willing to accept that yes it was him and not me. But I got my chance to ask and it’s one less thing to play on my mind going forward. So yeah, somewhere neutral, in person so there’s no misunderstanding and then if that’s where you call it, you’re not left in any doubt.

You’re so much stronger than I’ve been @Clytemnestra21. You’ll get through this too.

Thanks @mummypigoink I'm not sure I'm strong at all. He's doubled down on the suggestive messaging again. It's like every time I try to talk about us and having a relationship he tries to distract me with naughtiness. I find it quite irresistible but it is starting to be annoying because it's so obviously avoiding the discussion I want to have.

@Vvmumofone I'm not sure how much commitment I want - like I don't want him to move in and I'm not ready for him to meet my kids. But an openness to it being more than sex, and for us to date/be more than FwB. It's hard because we're not wide apart but he just seems reluctant to discuss changing anything.

@Clytemnestra21 sounds a bit like what I wanted which was given for a bit then cut off. I’d say unless he’s willing to discuss and say what he wants or doesn’t want then you’re walking away because it’s too emotionally draining.

Thanks @Vvmumofone - you're right the uncertainty is draining and a massive attention drain.
How was the return to work been? X

@Clytemnestra21 so hard. I started to feel better in these two weeks I didn’t see him and now I feel back to square one. He asked me if I was annoyed with him that he didn’t reach out over Xmas. I’m like you ended it with me and you want to know if I’m annoyed. Like why do you care! I’m trying to keep distance, I’ve been good and changed my lunch and being brief with responses but stupidly went to see him at his desk, bad mistake, walked away feeling rubbish as all feelings came back again. I will get through this just going to take a while I think.

@Vvmumofone that sounds rotten. Couldn't imagine having to work with them in this scenario. Sounds like you're managing brilliantly

Have you agreed a date/place to meet and discuss things @Clytemnestra21 ? If I was you I wouldn't discuss anything until then. He won't be able to distract you in a neutral setting. And if he won't meet you somewhere outside yours to discuss your future I think that tells you everything you need to know sadly