A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

It's a good start isn't it! And maybe I just need to keep that in mind.

Well thought I’d all give you an update. I put my foot down and said I wanted to see him once a week with sometimes going out because I can’t have a relationship right now but would like a nice time with someone. He agreed. Last two weeks have been ok but he’s said some things recently that I’m confused about.

1 - said don’t fall in love with me (standard for Fwb I get that) but then on the next breathe, do you think you could fall in love with me. Wtf! Also asked if I was on the market now and could go on dates. Why do you care?
2 - I asked if he was seeing someone else. He said no. But I had something up on my computer (a night out by me) and he said oh I will look into that. Makes me think he’s setting up a date. Cool but just let me know where I stand here.
3 - I do feel like he’s going after a girl I work with. Now if he meets someone and wants to stop us, that’s fine as long as he’s honest and not seeing both at the same time, but not someone I work with and speak to. Thing is if I bring this up, I’m going to sound jealous. I’m not, I just think it’s disrespectful if that is happening. Seeing one person at work is one thing but two at the same time. Surely I’m not being unreasonable here?

I just want a consistent once a week fwb, is that too much to ask ffs.

Why do you think he’s going after someone you work with? I’m maybe not the one to comment, not being in the throes anymore, but you’re clear what you’re offering and he’s mucking you about. And if there’s one thing that has become clear from this thread is that it’s quite easy to find yourself feeling more for a FwB. Be careful!!

@Vvmumofone how are you? FWIW I definitely don't think it's unreasonable for you to not want him to be going out with someone else. It's up to you what you're comfortable with and you've communicated that.

Hey everyone.

How are you all doing in the run up to Christmas? How crappy are the manchild FWBs in your lives being? Any of them able yet to have adult responses to your openness about what you need?

I thought of this thread last night as xFwB sent a message hinting that I should be over his cunty behaviour by now. Er no.

I'm not blocking yet, as he's keeping his promise to advise me on some long term investments, but the sense of " yes I fucked you over, but move on and let's keep meeting" is astounding.

What is with these men?

The entitlement is really quite something @OfcourseitsaNC. Does he get how much he pissed you off? How’s things other than him?

Nope. Doesn't get how much he pissed me off at all. It's like it's my issue in his head rather than him being out of order.

Things are great outside him. How's you? How's your situation?

so many blokes seem to be so oblivious to their actions. it’s fascinating from the outside.

I’m OK. And cautiously dating.

Hello everyone
@OfcourseitsaNC I can understand you not being impressed with him expecting you to just get over it. Entitlement is absolutely right.
my FwB is not stepping up and giving me more. Since my full disclosure about my feelings he's still keen but a bit more on his terms.
sometimes I feel like this is perfect for me because I'm really enjoying seeing him but don't have to compromise/impact my kids/squeeze more into my busy life.

Other times I just feel full of longing for more and like I'm being taken advantage of a bit.

I don't know which one is my reality. Either way, he is absolutely fine with things just as they are. I guess eventually that will annoy me enough for me to end it?
@mummypigoink how is the dating going? I know this is what I should do too but I really don't like it.

Oooh, cautiously dating @mummypigoink That sounds fun. How's it going?

I understand @Clytemnestra21 It sounds like you're trying to see the positives of the situation, which is a good thing. But I understand it's hard to see the positives all the time.

Of course he's fine with things the way they are, as he's dictating it on his terms. You'll know when you're done with him, I'm sure.

Hi all. @OfcourseitsaNC I think I'm there already - have barely heard from FwB since our last meet and he's been ignoring my last message for more than 24 hours. I feel wretched. He said something a bit unkind about my appearance when I last saw him and it's gnawing at me.

This isn't fun enough is it?! I'm just scared of letting go, what if I never have sex like this again?

He did what?? Prick.

Is the sex that good that it makes up for how you’re feeling right now?

and he’s still a prick.

Ugh, that sucks @Clytemnestra21 : I’m a firm believer that the F part of the FWB needs to be firmly intact for these things to even slightly work. There needs to be a sense of mutual care and respect. Otherwise it just feels like being used.. and I would say insulting your appearance and ignoring your messages is pretty damn disrespectful. Definitely fine for you to be annoyed here.

Yeh. It isn't very friendly is it? With the unkind comment, I think he came out with it without thinking, wasn't an out and out insult but a sort of critical observation. and then tried to brush it off as a joke, but it felt upsetting.

But the not contacting me much feels really icky. He's been really non-committal about meeting up. Has texted a couple of times and called for a chat but wont tell me what he's doing over the holiday period. I'm just going ahead and making plans and trying to fill up my child free time with plans and trying not to feel too dejected. Dreading the holidays as my kids will be away lots and friends will all be busy with family.

@mummypigoink you make a great point, I'm not sure it is worth it when it's like this

I do know what you mean about the holidays @Clytemnestra21. I don’t mind being on my own, but I’ve not got any family nearby and friends are all busy with their families so it does get quite tedious. Almost a relief being able to work.

So I've decided something. Making plans to see someone is a form of consideration and care and affection.

Never making plans or being nonchalant/casual with plans is just inconsiderate and a bit disrespectful.

FwB just hasn't made plans with me for Christmas at all and now wants to know when I'm free over the holidays but I'm not. I'd asked before when he was free and he wouldn't tell me, said he wasn't making any plans. Well I had to. And now I don't have much space for him before the start of next term at all.

But it's not just FwB. I had two lots of plans with friends this weekend which fell through for no good reason other than they'd overbooked/had too much on. It feels rubbish when you're clearly de-prioritised. Wouldn't mind but both of the friends have kids my kids are friends with and so it meant last minute changes of plans which was disappointing for my kids. I know that is not related to FwB relationships but I think it's part of a theme of people treating others as a convenience and taking them for granted. And I just feel really cross about it today.

You're right @Clytemnestra21 People and attitudes have changed since we were younger. Do you remember when you made plans and stuck to them? How if you arranged to meet someone in town at 2pm, you were both there, as you didn't have a phone in your pocket to contact them.

I think phones have changed our society's outlook on this. It felt so much harder to call someone to talk to them that you were cancelling than it does to just drop a text.

And because of the ease of contact, more people don't plan in advance. And get pissy with those of us who do. My worst feelings are towards those I plan things in with and then they cancel on me last minute. I feel let down and cross.

I hope you've thought of other fun things to do with your children in place of the cancelled plans.

How are you feeling towards FWB? Is it time to cut him off yet? Read back through your own posts. If it was a good friend of yours writing those, what would you say to them?

Hi all
Iv’e been lurking on this thread for a while now. Since my marriage ended two years ago I have avoided traditional relationships- strictly FWB, which for the most part have been great and has allowed my heart to heal.
Currently have an arrangement with a guy who is ENM, who is lovely but definitely firmly in the FWB box as our lifestyles are so different. We see each other as and when we want and communicate regularly and this arrangement works well, though he lives quite far from me.

I’ve recently been on two dates with a guy who lives locally and who also wants FWB- but exclusively and he has made it clear that he is not willing to see me if I can’t agree to that-I’m thinking it over.
Is anyone here in an exclusive FWB situation, how does that differ from just being in a relationship ?

@Ryah76 I'm guessing an exclusive FWB is what the young'uns might call a 'situationship' :) so, exclusivity but without a sense of progression that may come with an 'official' relationship, in terms of introducing to friends and family, eventually moving in together etc.. So it depends what you want really. I am in a phase of life where I don't want to introduce anyone new to my child at this point, so it suits me to have something that i can keep separate.. but I think without that barrier, it probably wouldn't feel enough for me. Your situation is tricky because starting something with the second one would mean giving up the first one, so not an easy decision.

Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it. This is what’s confusing me a little, in terms of location and personality the new guy is lovely & I can happily have a FWB arrangement with him, but he’s talking about introducing me to his friends and have joint nights out with our friends and this is more than I give my existing FWB.

@Ryah76 hmmm, well that's weird , what does he think that is if it's not a relationship then? Sounds like one to me!

Trouble is everyone has their own definition of FWB from FB with minimal contact inbetween to long term/exclusive.

it sounds like he wants a full relationship experience but with no commitment. So expect him to move on when he finds someone better/newer. And also be looking at who that might be sometimes. I think this is a very common desire in middle aged men as they get sex on tap and fun times, and only jump from one warm bed when another is ready for them!

I bet he's tried conventional relationships but moans that his exes were too intense/needy. So has decided women on Feeld etc will be easier for him to manage 🙄

He's being quite transparent so good for him. But I would say that for women we are much more likely to catch Feeld like this. And there will be times when he is distant etc which you won't be able to question as you're 'just FWB' and you also won't feel able to look elsewhere to fill the gap as that wasn't the agreement.

I would personally say if you know that having more than one FWB works for you to keep things casual- stick with that!!!

Catch feels (not Feeld)