A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

@Gettingbetterlookingeveryday

And what are your plans when your wife finds out ?

Not planning on her finding out tbh

She will find out.

What will be your plans then.

I started with the head decision of "I'm fed up of him making me feel this way. I'm not having it any more" I wrote a note to myself in my notes app which I regularly accessed in the early days to give myself strength.

From that decision, it was the small daily decisions like not looking at my phone for an hour, then longer. He's the only person i use Telegram to communicate with, so I turned off the notifications and didn't open the app in the time I told myself I couldn't. I gave myself back the control and engaged with him on my terms.

When my head started thinking about him, I'd indulge the thoughts for up to 10 mins every hour, and slowly whittled that down to less time less frequently. I didn't let myself reflect longer than I said I would.

I steeled myself to not contact him until he contacted me at times. I chose to not arrange things too often and waited for him to do so. I made him chase a bit. His lack of chasing showed me I wasn't a priority, which I needed to see for real. It gave me something to recognise he didn't care that much.

Having a couple of ONSs also made me care about FWB less.

Typing it all out sounds easy. It really wasn't and I wasn't successful at it all the time. But the intention was there to take back control and to stop my emotions swinging in the wind, so the times I didn't live up to the boundaries I'd set myself, I'd just go again the next day.

It worked for me. I hope you can find what works for you.

Thanks @OfcourseitsaNC
This sounds really hard. Well done for getting through it.

I've been leaving my phone downstairs at night the last few nights but still wake at 5 am most days thinking of him. I think phone use is a good start.

We don't even text each other that much and I am really wary of sharing my feelings with him but just think about him constantly. And I'm super sensitive to the cadence and tone of his messages to me.

I am busy but he's just really under my skin.

I hope you don’t mind me leaping in, but I’m in a similar predicament @Clytemnestra21 : I have been in a ‘something’ with a man for the past year. It probably is a FWB but we’ve never called it that or defined it with a label (his choice.. of course) . We did have a conversation last November where I said I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and would expect he wasn’t either. He sort of nodded but didn’t say anything.. which was a bit hmmmm… But it feels like an FWB if I’m honest. We meet every couple of weeks (I can’t do any more often that that and I think it suits him well as he’s very avoidant and we are both busy). The usual story of great sex and good conversation , then a pulling away by him immediately afterwards for a few days, then an uptick in the texts before we meet again. . I have kept it going because the positives (great sex, good conversation , fun , general sense of excitement after years of being a single parent with no time to date) has outweighed the negatives (lack of certainty and lack of emotional care, always feeling like it’s on his terms). However, recently it’s become clear that there is a real imbalance in how we feel about each other. I think about him often and will always make an effort to see him (arranging childcare/taking time off work etc ) but I feel pretty low down on his list of priorities..

Last week he left me on read for a few days (he’s never done that before) and then said he meant to reply but ‘got busy at work and forgot’. However yesterday was the clincher as it was my birthday, he knew it was because we talked about it last time we met, but no happy birthday message came . He was busy travelling and has been stressed with work so no doubt that would be his rationale, and fair enough. I’m not his official girlfriend so perhaps some would say I shouldn’t expect a message. However..

it’s made me reflect because , no matter how busy I am (and I am a single parent who also holds down a full time job with a lot of responsibility so I am often very busy) , I would never forget to text him or forget to say happy birthday. This is because , exactly as you said, @Clytemnestra21 , he’s often on my mind, and it’s that imbalance that is making me feel particularly vulnerable and frankly a bit miffed. I think I need to reevaluate as no amount of good sex is worth feeling like I’m an afterthought.. On the other hand, I don’t have the time or energy to go on the dating apps (as my ex does no evening childcare so every evening out is a proper mission to organise) so it feels like a choice between this and nothing at all, at least until my child is quite a lot older . So I umm and ahh about it and never quite make a decision.

No judgement here. There’s a fair few of us who totally get what you’re feeling. Question is what do you need to hear from us.

I hear you@shivermetimbers77
It's horrible feeling like an afterthought isnt it?

You said missing your birthday was the clincher (which I can totally understand). Have you decided what you're going to do?
Hope you're okay x

@shivermetimbers77

I don't understand do FWB's not have to be friends enough to buy birthday cards.

So they want sex but they also want to be able to dismiss you and dehumanise you to the point that you should not even expect a card.

What's that, the humiliation package.

You deserve better, all women do.

It's an interesting one @shivermetimbers77 and I get it's hard to make a decision.

Some people are rubbish at remembering important dates like birthdays. It doesn't mean they don't care. I'm not that person, but I have male and female friends who are.

Some people compartmentalise their feelings and can't think about other things when they've got something important on their mind. I'm not that person, but I have male and female friends who are.

He may be either/both of those. He may be neither and just have you low down on his priority list. There's no way of knowing, is there?

What you can do is be in control of how you respond to this. It depends how much you want to continue meeting up with him. I realised a while ago with my FWB I need to put up and shut up about his lack of care in certain areas, or I need to move on. He's not going to change, but I can change how I respond to him. I concluded his positives in my life outweigh the negatives, so I put up with the crap bits and don't say anything. We've not made any promises to each other, so I don't want to ruin the time we do spend together arguing over whether his behaviour towards me is ok or not. I enjoy the time I spend with him in the moment and don't allow him the head space when we're not together.

Have an honest reflection about what you do want from him, what you've seen that he gives you and whether in light of your decision, you need to amend your responses to his behaviour or ditch him and be done with him. Give yourself back some control.

It was my birthday last month @CarlitoLeg I did get a card from my FWB because he came and stayed at mine that night, due to me telling him i wanted sex on my birthday. It's rare he stays at mine, due to my children, so there's no way he would have been allowed to forget it was my birthday. I didn't get any other cards from any other friends. And I have many many friends. Cards are extremely outdated and a waste of resources. I can't remember the last time I gave one to a friend.

I don't understand do FWB's - fixed the first few words of your post for you too.

Thanks all for your replies, certainly lots to think about there.
@OfcourseitsaNC , your approach sounds like it’s working well for you and is similar in spirit to the one I have tried (not always successfully) to apply over the last year: using my rational mind to quiet my emotional mind, being pragmatic and realistic , trying to stay in the here and now and appreciate the good bits in the moment. However, if I’m honest, I have to work very hard to do that and it does involve actively suppressing the part of myself that wants more (at what cost?)..

Also, in order for that approach to work, I need to feel that there is an underlying respect and mutual care (the F bit of FWB I suppose). Until the last couple of weeks I largely felt that we had that.. however, it’s obviously a fine line for me as the being left on read and no message on my birthday have tipped the scales into me feeling disrespected, nose out of joint and wondering if it’s all worth it really.

In terms of what next, I am going to pull back, take some time to reflect, see how I feel and decide whether I carry on with it or end it. At the moment I am leaning towards ending it but I am going to resist the urge to act impulsively (and flounce off in a fit of pique 😁) , gather myself and take my time.

It’s good to have this anonymous space to vent, and to have solidarity with others in a similar situation.

That sounds like an excellent decision to me @shivermetimbers77 If you feel it's now tipped into disrespect and lack of care, and that's important to you to continue seeing him, then giving yourself some time to reflect makes perfect sense.

Deciding to make a decision within a given time period is a decision in itself. You've got the control in that. Have you decided how long you're going to reflect over? A fortnight? A month? Business as usual within that time?

@shivermetimbers77 I can empathise with why you’re disappointed. You had discussed your birthday (so it’s not like you were expecting him to remember it from last year). Sure, you weren’t expecting the full GF BDay treatment, but to not even send a text? I do understand why you feel like the ‘F’ from FWB is missing. Is it unreasonable for a friend to text another friend to acknowledge their birthday? Do you feel like it’s a bit more of a FB situation?

I’ve been lurking on this page with interest. I don’t have a FWB, I don’t know what to call what it is.

I’m in the process of getting divorced and have recently started something with a guy. We message a couple of times a week, nothing flirty, just jokey, and have had sex a couple of times.

Due to being in the process of getting divorced, I don’t think I could handle anything serious, but he’s not very forthcoming with what he wants from me, or how he feels about me. I don’t know if he’s trying to be respectful of my circumstances, or trying to protect his own feelings. Do I even need to know what he thinks or feels? Should I just enjoy some attention and whatever fun comes with it?

@Chatonette Hmm, good question.. I certainly wasn’t under the impression that it was an FB situation and there’s zero chance I would have signed up to that, as I know that wouldn’t work for me, from past experience. Plus, until the past week, he’s been very respectful and friendly, with chit chat between meets (albeit with a slight distancing after each meet up) , sharing interesting articles and videos etc etc .. checking in on what I’ve been doing . Also nice days out together, gallery visits and dinners, not just sex.

In fact , on reflection I wouldn’t have agreed to an FWB either if we had formally discussed that as that hasn’t worked for me in the past either. I was under the impression that we were exclusive and ‘seeing how it goes’ but I realise that was incredibly naive of me and I’ve just gone along with it in a state of denying the bleeding obvious to be honest! It’s the events of the past week that have forced me to take my blinkers off and be a bit honest with myself about what I have drifted into. Also just writing it out here, reading other’s experiences and responses has been very helpful too. Thank you all. Im rapidly realising that I’m not cut out for this sort of thing and no amount of hot sex is worth feeling like an afterthought! Got to set some clear boundaries and get my self respect back.

If you're enjoying what you have at the moment @QuaintReader does it need a label?

It took me a while to get my head around that, as I'm a label person. I call my FWB a FWB publicly as it's easier. Some would say we're in an open relationship. Some would say they don't know what we're in. I call him my Mr Right Now.

Keep on enjoying the time and company together. See what happens. If you start feeling things are changing for him or you, talk to him. And be safe!

Hello all, been thinking about you all and wondering how you're getting on.

@shivermetimbers77 did you make a decision on your guy? Hope you're okay..

@OfcourseitsaNC I've been trying to follow your example. But he's been bringing me food and doing little things for me and my mind is wandering much more than it should. I'm currently at a point of not having spoken to him for 36 hours and not received a text for 18 and nervous system is all over the place again.

That sounds so hard @Clytemnestra21 You sound like you're doing really well to have not been in contact for all that time.

Why is he bringing you food, if you don't mind me asking?

I feel like you're guy likes to blur the lines a bit which leads to confusion.

Yes - I think he leads me on emotionally

And how are you feeling about that @Clytemnestra21

Honestly @mummypigoink I try to push it out of my mind but that's dangerous because I find myself thinking about him and looking forward to spending time with him as if we're in a relationship. And I'm so busy that it's fine and suits me that we're not in each others' lives etc but if I make myself think about what it means then I feel a bit sad. Because much as I like him he isn't investing in me or inviting me into his life at all

going to be honest here @Clytemnestra21 i think you need to walk away. I was in a similar place and it didn’t get better. There’s nothing wrong with fwb if that’s what it is, but I don’t think this is anymore for you. And you deserve to have someone who is really meeting your needs.

Thanks @mummypigoink for being honest.

I did end it earlier this year for that reason. And I told him. That it wasn't anything he'd done wrong but that he didn't like me enough and I feel rejected that he didn't want a relationship with me. But I still went back to him. He knows he's got me hooked now doesn't he?

I tried looking for other dates but nothing worked out. I'm hoping still to date but I'm so busy (and having great sex already) so I guess I'm not that motivated to date whilst I'm still so into this man I'm not really feeling available for anything else. But I'd be so embarrassed to end it again and then go back to him.

No judgement here. I completely get everything you’re saying. Maybe just try to think of ways to try and keep one foot out the door?