A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Love this! Saved 😁

As a male reading this thread has been eye opening as to how some of you ladies view fwb

I’m lucky to have one amazing fwb but she lives a long distance away. I’m 40, married and don’t want to end the marriage and she is fully aware of this and became a fwb 6 months ago with her eyes wide open to this.

I would love to meet someone nearer to me but refuse to risk using dating sites and would never mislead anyone about my situation.

theres no risk of my fwb and I falling in love but I’d be gutted if it ended I think, no sign that it will, we tick each others boxes sexually and have similair kinks and fantasies etc

Does your wife have a FWB?

To the best of my knowledge, no. You are entitled to your opinion on this of course and I fully respect that. The decisions I have taken wasn’t taken lightly and was after years of making every possible effort to have a good sex life. She wants she’s but it’s very vanilla and whilst enjoyable it doesn’t drive me crazy. I have tried every supportive thing you can imagine to improve this, our marriage is great in every other way, but sexually it’s just bland and nothing I have ever tried has changed her view which is essentially lights off under the duvet.

I don’t think I’m understanding the setup—is your wife not aware that you have a FWB? So you’re not actually in an open marriage?
@Gettingbetterlookingeveryday

She isn’t aware, it isn’t an open marriage.

Ouch. Sucks to be your wife.

i wasn’t expecting support so I get your point but it also sucks to be me, a man who has provided in every way possible, who makes more effort in every aspect of our life than any other male I know (often commented on by their wife’s), a man who is sexually very liberal and keen who married someone who promised the same but didn’t deliver.

so yes, it’s not ideal, I’m not proud, but I’m not living like a monk either, I’m 40 and want to live not 80 waiting to meet the reaper

Look, I have no issues with open relationships as long as all parties are consenting to the setup and an agreed set of “rules” and “boundaries” is put in place. You’ve come onto this thread bragging about how transparent you’ve been about relationship expectations with someone you’ve known for 6 months, like you deserve some medal. The big omission is that the person you’ve stood with in front of all of your family and friends and made an oath to, is completely in the dark. Ick.

I see your point, to a large extent.

like I said though, I’m not proud, it was/is a last resort

You sound proud in your first post. Ick.

Words on a screen don’t always read how they are intended. Like I have said more than once now, it’s a last resort. I don’t regret that I have a fwb, but I regret that I am in the position to have one.

ultimately I do see your point, it’s hard to disagree with you, but that doesn’t change my reality

This is MumsNet. I’ve observed that the majority of us will stand behind someone who’s being lied to. Perhaps you’ve come to the wrong place for support.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5145938-would-you-sleep-with-a-married-man-even-if-you-didnt-want-him-to-leave-his-wife?page=2&reply=137660718

I don’t want or need support, I was merely commenting that it was interesting seeing some comments from a woman’s perspective.

although you and I clearly have to agree to disagree I have been respectful of your view and I do understand, sorry if my comments or actions offend you but there are two sides as I said earlier, I am delivering on every promise I made to my wife, and more, and took action as a last resort.

im no model but im fairly often told im attractive, i know i have stamina and ability in bed and i have a willingness to experiment that would impress most sexually adventurous people, why should i suppress myself just because my wife moved the goalposts in our marriage many years ago?

I am delivering on every promise I made to my wife

Really? Forsaking all others?

Except that one. My bad.

Your situation sounds exactly like a previous FWB @Gettingbetterlookingeveryday I'd love to chat to you about it, but this thread really isn't the place to do so.

This thread is a safe space for women with FWB to discuss how they're doing. Not for you to hijack wth your situation that you really didn't need to mention.

Inbox is open if you want to pm, and yes I’ve learned not to comment!

Thanks for asking @Clytemnestra21 Doing fine thanks. Not heard from date at all since he cancelled. I'm not chasing. I'm looking forward to seeing FWB Saturday.

I went through a similar process to the one you're describing about 18 months ago. I realised how little I meant to FWB and how low down I was on the priority list.

I decided to take the route of hardening towards FWB. Enjoy the time we spent together, but refused to get upset about what he didn't do. Logically, he owed me nothing. I chose to control what I could, which was my responses to him. It was hard at first, but 18 months on, I'm now well practiced.

I also decided to keep my eyes wide open IRL, and have been on a few dates and had a few ONSs. I've dabbled on the apps, but like you, I find them depressing.

My conclusion was I still get a decent sex life, I don't let FWB play with my head and I still get to enjoy my single freedom. Every time I go to his, I repeat the mantra "I'm here now. Enjoy it". It really helps me stay grounded and not be bothered about not being in the top 5 priorities in his life.

It can only be up to you to decide what path you're going to take. But don't let him play with your emotions in this way. Take control and make the choice to treat him like he's treating you.

I think there's a distinction between having a FwB and an affair. Whilst you're having an affair behind your wife's back with your FwB, not all FwBs are cheating on/lying to a partner.

I'm not sure why you've come to this thread which is aimed at mutual support for people who are struggling with their feelings about a FwB relationship. You seem happy with your arrangement and sounds like your FwB is too.

If anything, you need to join a thread/look for guidance so that you can stop harming your wife through your dishonesty.

No matter how dissatisfied you are in your marriage. Cheating on her is abusive. If she doesn't know about your FwB arrangement she can't consent to it. She could be appalled/disgusted and feel violated if she knew what you were doing.

@Gettingbetterlookingeveryday

Reads like solid advice from @OfcourseitsaNC for you @Clytemnestra21. Easier said than done as we all know!!!

Agreed that it isn't easy. But it's easier than having the emotions swinging from pillar to post. It's making lots of small decisions on a daily basis to get you to that point. Easier said than done, I know!

Last time I saw FWB, we were talking about something, and he said to me "Wow, you really care about me that little". My response was along the lines of "well, you've trained me to be this way about you as I'm mirroring what you do" We laughed our way out of it becoming uncomfortable, but it's good to know that he's heard how I feel, and what I think about him.

@OfcourseitsaNC really appreciate the advice - thank you! 🙏
Just working out how to possibly implement 😂