A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

@Misshollys that's good news about your coffee on Thursday- I hope that goes well for you. Is it someone you've met online?

Well, you're right about it being a challenge not getting hurt. FWB and I have been in back in contact barely a week, met up only once and the frequency of communication has dipped just today and already I'm anxious and irritable about it and wondering whether I should just end things so I don't get hurt: I'm hyper sensitive to rejection, I know that. But still this is hard for to manage.

@Clytemnestra21 It's a guy I met online yes, it's later today, I have butterflies 😊
Im sorry you're feeling like that again, I'm really not sure that it's something we learn, to be able to protect ourselves, I know I'm soft & I hurt easy, so I'm going to try be different going forward, maybe try stay detached before I get the feels, it's all a learning game alright.

How did it go @Misshollys? Thought of you yesterday.

I'm supposed to see my guy this weekend but his communication has been so unenthusiastic I'm thinking of cancelling.

How are we all doing?

I've been using fab and having a fine old time flirting up a storm, making new friends and occasionally a bit more and all has been fine and dandy. I don’t want to fancy my fab friends and all is working well, no feelings have been forthcoming and everything’s good.
Until I messaged someone. And let’s just say a few hundred messages later, some extensive flirting and a few heart to hearts and I think I have a problem. A not so little crush. And it’s reciprocated.
We can’t get the diaries to align for a few weeks to meet but have a date in now.
I categorically was not looking for a relationship. (Hence being on fab) it’s mutual, we’ve talked about it and we’re both clear neither of us play or do Fwb if 1 has feelings and the other doesn’t, but this time it feels more than fwb.
Now clearly we could meet in person and it be awful. Which would actually be the easiest solution!
Or I can take a deep breath, say it’s not what I was looking for but be open minded.
Oh and to complicate matters further, in the meantime I have a regular nsa night planned with a super hot and perfectly lovely guy which is much more my usual style. But I don’t know that I shouldn’t cancel that.
So wise folk of mumsnet, wwyd?

we’ve talked about it and we’re both clear neither of us play or do Fwb if 1 has feelings and the other doesn’t

So this ⬆️ hasn’t become a rule yet?

How do you mean sorry?
The situation is I was looking for nsa/fwb. And I don’t do that if I ever have actual feelings for the person.
I now seem to have found myself in a position where feelings are involved - on both sides - and it’s whether to explore that in a dating context as opposed to a fwb one.
If it was 1 sided it would be easier because that is end of conversation, neither of us would get involved on any level then.
Think my post was too waffley, sorry.

So neither of you have professed that you ‘have feelings’, which means that you can still NSA, no?

Or have you both professed that you have feelings already, so no NSA with someone else?

This one.
Not so much directly saying there’s feelings (I’m conscious we haven’t even met) but that there is definitley a spark and that it doesn’t feel like usual fab feelings and maybe it could be more.
He’s acknowledged the site we’re on and said he knows it’s a wait before he can be free to see me so understands if someone else catches my eye in the meantime but hopes it doesn’t.
I would meet other NSA meet before actually meeting this guy. I don’t like to mix men when there’s feelings involved, even if there’s not even been a meet yet but I think I might be a bit unusual in that respect.

How would you feel if he had a NSA encounter in the meantime? Do you think he might? If I answered no to this, I would probably hold off on the NSA—you can always resume with regular NSA later if new FWB is a dud, no? Tricky one…

What is an NSA? Sorry if I’m being thick.

Im not having a great time lately. Getting breadcrumbs and I fall for it everytime and it makes me feel so low. I wish he’d just get a new job so I can do no contact. I know he’s not happy in his job so I’ve been encouraging him to apply for a new one.

Hmmm. Good point. I did say I have no expectations as to being the only person he’s talking to or might see. He didn’t say no but did hint heavily that there isn’t anyone else. I tend to compartmentalise so for now I can seperate out the NSA, but I appreciate that might be hurtful to him and I don’t want to do that.

Sorry, nsa - no strings attached. Likely to be a one off, although I do visit his area semi regularly so potential for it to be a series of one off’s as it were.

i think I’ve unscrambled my head now and worked out what I want advice on

1. if you were looking for casual but a potential something more came along, would you be open to pursuing it. Or say I wasn’t looking for a reason and I can’t just play with you because I have feelings so bye bye and 2) whilst sussing out situation 1, if you had other plans already made, would you cancel them incase or say situation 1 hasn’t even taken off yet (it just feels very much like it will) and therefore crack on

That sounds rubbish. Sorry if I’ve missed it, but why can’t you go no contact without him changing jobs? Keep everything to a professional level and not engage with anything further?

So this is your first encounter with the NSA? I thought it wasn’t, and you knew you were guaranteed mind blowing sex. So that guarantee isn’t even set in stone….
For some reason, I thought you’d met him before.

Yep.
Got chatting to them both off the back of a forum thread.
No feelings for NSA, nice guy, interesting, hot as, lots of flirty chat. Kind of normal for that website. I tend to find if the chemistry is there online/over the phone I’ve not had bad experiences in person so I’d say I’d be likely in for a good night but obviously no guarantee!
Feelings for other guy (very unusual for me), but on paper pretty similar - hot, flirty chat, interesting conversations. But man alive, he makes me giggle, I want to get to know all about him, I can talk to him for hours. All the usual crush type stuff. Reciprocated but really not what I was looking for

I don’t know what I would do! 🙈

(About the NSA—I would definitely meet the potential FWB.)

Because if I go no contact he rings me, comes to see me, messages me and I get sucked in. I’ve tried professional and it doesn’t work. If I tell him I don’t want him to talk to me except to do with work, it would just make things too awkward. I just want a clean break but I love my job and the company and don’t want to leave but he’s unhappy so thinking if he leaves it will give me the chance to clear my head properly.

@Clytemnestra21 Are you meeting this weekend? Hope you're happy with whatever you decided. Well my coffee date went very well, we chatted for almost 2 hours & had a little kiss at the end, there was definitely a spark & we had so much to talk about, there wasn't any nervous silences or anything, I think we'll meet again but will need a chat about boundaries etc, great potential though.
@Vvmumofone It sounds like him leaving will be the answer to everything for you, to get him out of your head & let you reset,
@Isanyonereallyanonymous Did you make a decision about meeting? I don't envy that decision, but as above, how would you feel about the guy you really like meeting someone else? Probably a good chat about what you both want is needed?
This lifestyle doesn't suit everyone but when it works its absolutely briliant, 🤗

@Misshollys so glad your coffee went well - that's such an exciting stage to be at.

I saw him this weekend, was really good. Now I have to brace myself for the anxiety in the pause!

@Clytemnestra21 Can you try some coping mechanisms to try stop the anxiety, probably easier said than done, but if it's really good when you meet, it might be worth trying.

Hi @Misshollys yes you're right - I need strategies. Trying to keep busy. Have told him I don't like not having a date for the next meet. But he hasn't confirmed. Trying not to spiral and to focus on other things...

@Clytemnestra21 Hopefully he will confirm, how are you doing now?
Hope everyone else is ok too. 😀

I'm trying to stay strong and not message him.

I messaged him last so technically it's his "turn"... and that was over a week ago...

I keep telling myself that no-one is THAT busy they can't send a text

@NeedToAskPlease I know that so well, it's torture. Stay strong - you've got this!