A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Hi everyone. Just looking for some sympathy really... posted my own thread but no replies so thought maybe more like minded folk in here. I had a FWB for 5 months or so but he wanted it to finish when he moved jobs (as he would no longer be commuting to the town where I live). I would have liked it to carry on but accepted it ending and after a period of being sad was content and happy to be no contact.

Since he moved jobs he has intermittently popped back into my life - escalating contact until we ultimately meet up and sleep together, then going cold again. I guess I have gone along with it because I hoped he would want our FWB arrangement back again.

I confronted him yesterday and he said essentially he was being selfish, that sleeping with me didn't indicate he wanted our FWB thing back and that he wouldn't contact me again. I feel like I'm on my 4th FWB break up with this man and am hurt that ultimately I let myself be used. Knocked my self esteem and scared to date or look for something similar as this one was someone I knew and trusted. Just sad today.

Hi @tawnee I'm sorry you're feeling down. It does knock your self esteem and make you feel used but don't let that put you off dating. If anything, use the experience going forward. You will be more clear from now on what you do and don't want from a relationship. Sending hugs.

Thanks for replying. He was the only guy in 'real life' that I had any vague interest in. Did join Bumble today but wasn't really drawn to anyone. Would any of you 'survivors' purposefully seek out FWB again?

I'm not drawn or attracted to anyone on the dating apps either.

My FWB wants to be platonic with me (he's still with his partner) but we still ended up having sex when we met... despite him rejecting my initial first moves of a kiss and cuddle.

He hasn't replied to my messages.

Complete head fuck. I can't be platonic with him as I'm attracted to him too much and I crave physical contact of a kiss etc when with him.

I feel so rejected and worthless.

Hi @tawnee sorry you're down
It's so hard isn't it. I find this thread helps though.

I know what you mean about the apps. I can't have them either. Friends have persuaded me to go to a singles event soon. Heart isn't really in it though. Have fallen down a complete rabbit hole tonight reading our entire WhatsApp message chat history. Feeling so regretful it's ended.

@NeedToAskPlease I think the highs and lows of meeting up / having sex then being ignored is actually sort of addictive in it's own way, when it should be the opposite.

@Clytemnestra21 I deleted the WhatsApp thread for this reason. What sort of singles event are you (maybe) going to?

@tawnee you're more sensible than me! I should delete but can't.
You asked about going for a FwB again. I wouldn't to be honest. This is the only time I ever have and I have found it quite anxiety provoking and the ending very sad. I think deep down I wanted him to be in love with me. If/when I see anyone else I want to date for a relationship. I know it's a possibility I may not find anyone compatible. But I think if the guy goes into it with a FwB intention it's usually never going to be anything else. I need to take better care of myself.

My FwB came back. Contacted me in a very indirect way. But back. And now he's sent me a very short message.

Oh. How are you feeling about that?

Honestly a bit mixed. I was kind of pleased as I've missed him but the contact has been very minimal (not very effusive) and since I messaged back he's gone quiet again and I feel a bit anxious.

I’d love to say to you block and be done with it but from what you’ve said, i probably wouldn’t in your shoes. Hugs, and good luck!

@Clytemnestra21 How are things today? Any contact? That messing by him would wreck my head & I do have quite a lot of patience. Will you be able to see him again & keep things casual? I'd be worried about getting hurt again.

Thanks @mummypigoink and @Misshollys

@Misshollys I pressed send too soon. I've been really busy at a work event all day so that's taken my mind off things but I got a very cryptic message from him this morning suggesting he feels rejected and wants me to contact him (but it's also quite jokey and I honestly don't know what to think or how I feel. I'm still hurt so I guess going ack would be dangerous but it's hard because I'm really attracted to him and think about him a lot.

Ohh lordy, I don't envy your decision, you definitely risk being hurt again because it doesn't sound like you're both on the same page, it's like he's giving you crumbs to keep you interested, will you be able to get back together & continue with what he's offering?
An update from here, I happened to have to see my ex FWB earlier, & he's totally loved up, they've matching tattoos now & he's moving in with her & children later in the summer.
I wished him well & I can say that it didn't effect me the way I had expected, I see him as the player he was, I couldn't give him the happily ever after for lots of reasons & I am actually happy he's found someone, however I will always wish that he had done things differently, but that's men for you, keep their options open!

@Misshollys that's good that it didn't bother you seeing your FWB as much as you thought it would. And generous that you're happy for him. How long did it take you to reach that point do you think?

I'm falling back in, it isn't a good idea. We've been messaging lots and he's making suggestions about meeting up. My friends are telling me if I go back to him I should date other people at the same time.

@Clytemnestra21 it was February when we broke up so 4 months or so.
It's very easy to fall back in when he's paying you attention again but it's probably like me,my emotional side was winning over my logical side at the start, now I see the light lol & know that it wasn't good, but at the time my judgement was clouded because of the feelings I had for him.
I've started to chat to some new guys but I'm not ready to start meeting anyone yet, summer holidays get in the way, but for now I'm happy chatting & we'll see what happens,
Are you in a position to date other guys alongside seeing him?

Haven't heard anything from mine in over a week. Messaged couple of days ago to ask if he was OK... and still nothing.

I can't believe l have been ghosted. I really don't understand why, but l must have really upset, pissed him off, or repulsed him in some way if this is his solution.

Am truly gutted it has ended like this and l have no idea why

@NeedToAskPlease that's really hard. I'm sorry you're going through that. The no contact is really difficult.

@Misshollys that's good you're chatting to people. I know what you mean about the emotional side and the rational side: I seem to lose my sense of logic and self preservation as far as this person is concerned. It's been 24 hours since I've seen him and he's occupying my thoughts way too much.

@NeedToAskPlease I'm sorry too, I really feel for you, it's the same scenario over & over with a lot of these guys, hope you're doing ok there.
@Clytemnestra21 Did you meet up again? I must have missed that, how did it go?
I'll not lie & say things are good all the time with me, something happened that put me back a bit but I'll get strong again, I do wonder why they occupy so much of our thoughts but I'm sure in my case, I don't cross his mind at all.
Hope everyone else is ok, x

So .... he has finally messaged saying how busy he is, how he has only been able to keep up with a couple of friends conversations... blah blah blah.

As much as l want to see him, I'm not going to ask when we're next meeting. If he wanted to see me, he'd make time.

Or am l cutting my nose off?

I am an organised person and he isn't which is why he seems to get overwhelmed with normal "adulting".

You’re not cutting your nose off…

He’s selfish in bed (expecting oral and not returning the favour, will only do the position he wants to get his climax, then he finishes. He isn’t bothered that your needs aren’t met.)

He dictates when you meet.

He would barely touch you last time you met up.

He breadcrumbs you. This is all on his timeline, to his sexual agenda, and he excuses it all by saying he’s not the type of person who’s good at communication. You deserve better—get rid. You’re making excuses for him, when he’s not a decent or kind person, to be honest.

I stick by my earlier post @NeedToAskPlease

He didn’t make you orgasm.
He didn’t give you foreplay, even after you asked, as he only does that with his long term partner.
He can’t be arsed to keep in touch with you.

Surely the top two are pretty important…you know the B stands for benefits, right?

What benefits do you get, aside from him treating you like shit? And making you feel shit when you’re not with him?

Time to stop giving him headspace and block for good.

@NeedToAskPlease thinking of you. I think as others on this thread have said, we just don't want you to be taken advantage of. The situation should at least be fun or pleasurable or satisfying for you. I know how hard it is though when you're in a cycle of thinking about someone and longing for them.
@Misshollys
I met up with him again. It was brief but intense and so enjoyable. I don't think anything will change and he's made clear it's very much in the FwB zone. I'm not ready to give him up as the sexual connection is compelling but I need to try to find ways to protect myself and my self -worth. I think it starts with accepting what it is and what it isn't. And then maybe following my friends' suggestions about being open to other possibilities with other people. Easier said than done as I think I tend to focus my thoughts and feelings on one person at a time.

@Clytemnestra21
I'm not ready to give him up as the sexual connection is compelling but I need to try to find ways to protect myself and my self -worth.
This part stood out at me, again & again I read on this thread about the female being hurt, the male mind thinks so differently & they can seem to detach so much easier than we can.
If you can manage to find a way to protect your feelings then that'll be fantastic, because good sex is hard to find lol. Especially with your connection. I would worry though about your feelings for him & you being upset every time he disappears again. God, this life is definitely difficult, & here I am, considering meeting someone new for coffee on Thursday, 😂