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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

221 replies

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:13

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 30/03/2024 23:16

Is he worried they will have sex in his house?

This is not something I would tolerate.

Arrange for them to leave after breakfast then no one will have to worry as they will feel unwelcome and not come again.

SheilaFentiman · 30/03/2024 23:18

First, actually invite a single friend to stay and see if he actually “allows” this, or if it’s all theoretical.

I have seen your previous thread.

Wimpeyspread · 30/03/2024 23:18

BirthdayRainbow · 30/03/2024 23:16

Is he worried they will have sex in his house?

This is not something I would tolerate.

Arrange for them to leave after breakfast then no one will have to worry as they will feel unwelcome and not come again.

🙄

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 30/03/2024 23:19

Hmm I’m torn on this - it sounds quite controlling but also personally I hate having people over - fine for tea but staying over is just too much and I want to feel comfortable in my own home not like I’m hosting 24/7

I just think you aren’t suited you like to host and he doesn’t?

NewName24 · 30/03/2024 23:19

Wow.
He is being really unreasonable.

If he is unsociable, I can see he wouldn't want a trail of people staying for ages, with an expectation that he is there to entertain them, but this doesn't seem to be what is being suggested.

He is therefore being really unreasonable.

Can I ask why what he wants trumps what you want ? Confused

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:19

BirthdayRainbow · 30/03/2024 23:16

Is he worried they will have sex in his house?

This is not something I would tolerate.

Arrange for them to leave after breakfast then no one will have to worry as they will feel unwelcome and not come again.

No, I really don't think he'd be worried they'll have sex in the house.

OP posts:
Waffleson · 30/03/2024 23:20

This is totally unreasonable I would think about leaving him now, before you have kids.

toomuchfaff · 30/03/2024 23:20

Nope I'm sorry, he needs to explain what "disruption " is to grave that he will encounter that isn't counterbalanced by you seeing family and friends who you don't see at all. I'm not convinced.

Zonder · 30/03/2024 23:20

Would he ever expect the two of you to be hosted anywhere as a couple?

Scarletttulips · 30/03/2024 23:21

Does he sleep walk naked?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/03/2024 23:24

He is being very unreasonable.

It's your house too!

2chocolateoranges · 30/03/2024 23:26

If it’s your house too then he doesn’t get to make all the decisions, there needs to be some compromise.

BirthdayRainbow · 30/03/2024 23:26

It might have seen like a ridiculous question but really his attitude is ridiculous. You don't want guests every weekend!

MichaelAndEagle · 30/03/2024 23:28

I thought it seemed familiar, then you say you posted about it last year.

Personally I think this is a pretty major mismatch, in terms of what you both want or need out of life.

I could understand someone not being comfortable hosting. But to not be willing to put up with that a couple of times a year if it's something important to someone they love....no sorry that is really unreasonable.

Being with this person isn't going to make you happy OP.

Flivequacle · 30/03/2024 23:30

'Let'. He won't 'let' you. Explain how that works in your relationship. This is your home, and you share it with him, so certainly compromise on timings and how long and how often is appropriate.

But he doesn't get to veto entirely your friends and family so that he is not made temporarily uncomfortable. It is your life and your home, too.

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:31

Scarletttulips · 30/03/2024 23:21

Does he sleep walk naked?

Haha no!!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/03/2024 23:31

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:13

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

I remember your previous posts.

So what has developed as that's pretty relevant?

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:36

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2024 23:31

I remember your previous posts.

So what has developed as that's pretty relevant?

The main development since my previous thread is that I've asked if we can agree to max twice a year, and he still says no.

I've also made it super clear to him that he doesn't need to join in if a couple stays, if he doesn't want to (on my previous thread, some people thought i shouldn't be expecting him to join for breakfast etc - so I took that on board).

OP posts:
Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:38

Flivequacle · 30/03/2024 23:30

'Let'. He won't 'let' you. Explain how that works in your relationship. This is your home, and you share it with him, so certainly compromise on timings and how long and how often is appropriate.

But he doesn't get to veto entirely your friends and family so that he is not made temporarily uncomfortable. It is your life and your home, too.

Yes that's basically how it is - he won't let me. He said that if I invite them anyway, he would tell them it doesn't suit him.

OP posts:
laenwtine · 30/03/2024 23:38

I wouldn't like to have people stay in my home either - I find it intrusive and my home is my private space where I relax. We are in London too and it should be affordable for a couple to pay for one night in a budget hotel once a year- if the visit means enough to them it shouldn't put them off visiting.

Italiangreyhound · 30/03/2024 23:42

He sounds very controlling. Does he control other areas of your life.

SamW98 · 30/03/2024 23:45

It’s your house too. You don’t need his permission.
Tell him they’re staying - end of story. Why is it down to him to make the rules?

mathanxiety · 30/03/2024 23:46

If he can't explain his aversion then he doesn't get to dictate. You don't refuse such a reasonable request "because I said so" unless you are a complete dick.

0sm0nthus · 30/03/2024 23:51

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 30/03/2024 23:19

Hmm I’m torn on this - it sounds quite controlling but also personally I hate having people over - fine for tea but staying over is just too much and I want to feel comfortable in my own home not like I’m hosting 24/7

I just think you aren’t suited you like to host and he doesn’t?

Me too, anything past a couple hours and I want them gone😶
This is a case of cohabitee incompatibility, imo

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