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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

221 replies

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:13

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
BusyMummy001 · 31/03/2024 12:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 12:34

@BusyMummy001

why she compromise and not him?
maybe she just shouldn’t bother seeing family and friends full stop, make it even easier

Grow up - the advice was to discuss with him his reasons. At the moment she doesn't have her friends/family stay, so there is nothing being given up. She is asking to change things - why should he, if he has valid reasons (which she won’t know until she has discussed them with him).

RokaandRoll · 31/03/2024 12:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 11:33

@laenwtine

can you really not bear it for one weekend every so
oft??

do you not like your friends? Why can’t you relax with them?

I think it’s proper tight to expect your mates to fork out for a air n b’n’b or whatever in London when you have rooms spare

Agreed. An average hotel room in Central London is around £200 a night nowadays. I'm an introvert and so is DH but we have no problem hosting friends and family. I'm curious what makes it so awful for people that they wouldn't even contemplate doing so?

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 12:48

BusyMummy001 · 31/03/2024 12:38

Grow up - the advice was to discuss with him his reasons. At the moment she doesn't have her friends/family stay, so there is nothing being given up. She is asking to change things - why should he, if he has valid reasons (which she won’t know until she has discussed them with him).

@BusyMummy001

but what could his reasons be besides he just doesn’t like it? It causes him no pain, it’s not harmful in anyway …it’s just his preference. Which is fine should he be single but when you’re in a relationship you have to suck it up for the sake of family and friends , these relationships are very important

DaisyHaites · 31/03/2024 12:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 11:37

@DaisyHaites

why would you find it so aversive? To have friends stay over or you stay over at theirs? Would you be ok if your husband wanted to stay over at a friends house?

genuinely curious!

I'm probably what they call an extroverted introvert, and while I am happy to socialise with friends - I find it quite draining and I do not enjoy the idea of not having my own space to retreat to and the thought of waking up in the morning with others there does not sound enjoyable to me at all, I'd be itching for them to leave!

DH wouldn't want to stay over at a friend's house as he's so similar, and there's literally never been a scenario where we can't get a hotel nearby if we do want to spend more than one day with friends who don't live close - so I'd probably suggest that if he wanted to stay over. I could, of course, suck it up for one or two nights if we had to, but I wouldn't enjoy it.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 31/03/2024 13:15

@HummingbirdChandelier i have social anxiety and my home is my safe place. i can just about deal with visitors for 1-2 hours but any more than this is too much for me and i start having panic attacks and meltdowns. My husband wouldn't attempt to overstep my boundaries in all honesty but if he asked the answer would be absolutely not.

HummingbirdChandelier · 31/03/2024 13:16

There is no suggestion of any mental illness in the OP’s post though

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 13:23

HummingbirdChandelier · 31/03/2024 13:16

There is no suggestion of any mental illness in the OP’s post though

Exactly, I think if there she would have mentioned it

hellsBells246 · 31/03/2024 14:15

I remember your post from last year. Your h was VU then and he still is now. You have bent over backwards to compromise yet he's not willing to.

Is he controlling and unreasonable in other areas if your life too?

hellsBells246 · 31/03/2024 14:15

hangingonfordearlife1 · 31/03/2024 13:15

@HummingbirdChandelier i have social anxiety and my home is my safe place. i can just about deal with visitors for 1-2 hours but any more than this is too much for me and i start having panic attacks and meltdowns. My husband wouldn't attempt to overstep my boundaries in all honesty but if he asked the answer would be absolutely not.

But this isn't relevant to the OP. Her h just doesn't want people to stay.

BurbageBrook · 31/03/2024 16:20

He's a control freak. It won't get better.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 31/03/2024 16:22

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2024 09:36

Yes. She said she posted about it before

Yeah. The man is abusive. He cancelled her parents behind her back by email.

newhousenewhouse · 31/03/2024 16:24

Life is too short to live with an abusive man. Get rid and enjoy your life how you want. I wasted too many years with a tosser. What about if you have children and they want sleepovers?

Gettingbysomehow · 31/03/2024 16:26

That's insane. I would have no life if I couldn't have friends and cousins to stay. What kind of life is this for you? He sounds incredibly controlling. I wouldn't tolerate that.

FixItUpChappie · 31/03/2024 16:39

I struggle to answer these types of threads because I am not in a relationship where I am told what I can and can't do by my husband and we would simply find a compromise. So my best advice would be to not find yourself in a relationship where this type of give and take is not the norm.

Newestname002 · 31/03/2024 17:41

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 31/03/2024 07:30

This is the abusive man that when you invited your parents to stay, he emailed them behind your back cancelling them, right?

Oh dear - I thought this thread sounded familiar. 🌹

susansaucepan · 31/03/2024 17:44

Is this a religious/ cultural thing ?

I.e. not wanting other men staying the night ? Unmarried couples ?

Or is it a financial control thing ? Does he feel more entitled to veto as he pays the mortgage or rent ?

Either way , you don't sound compatible .

Secondstart1001 · 31/03/2024 18:26

I think he is intimidating you by saying he will make your guests feel unwelcome / make it known to them he’s unhappy. My abusive ExH did this to all my friends and family until I couldn’t bear it any longer and told them not to bother coming as he would fight with mr before and after they came as well as being rude to them when they visited . I think open your eyes and look at his other behaviors as by him threatening you like this he is really telling you he doesn’t give a shit about your needs and feelings and is happy to embarrass you in order to get his own way. This is not respect op and I’m very sympathetic to your situation.

Secondstart1001 · 31/03/2024 18:27

Omg yes I remember this one. horrible!

Secondstart1001 · 31/03/2024 18:28

Secondstart1001 · 31/03/2024 18:27

Omg yes I remember this one. horrible!

This is in reply to the other people on this thread recognising the incident where the parents were emailed not to come.

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 31/03/2024 18:38

This is controlling behaviour which is a form of domestic abuse.

He's not your boss.

It's your house as much as his.

Invite who you like, if he dies t like it he can leave.

OhmygodDont · 31/03/2024 18:46

I mean nothings changed. Him and his family are the type who visit people via hotels. Your family already stay over during the year, your are “allowed” single friends to stay.

He finds couples just too much, basically too many people. You also make him socially go out to events with your friends when you know he doesn’t like it.

Fundamentally your two different people your more extroverted and his more introverted.

Your free to technically invite people
around it’s your house too. His free to object and wish they wasn’t there and avoid the guests.

Hatty65 · 31/03/2024 18:46

BreadInCaptivity · 31/03/2024 00:16

I like my own space and don't really enjoy people staying overnight but I also realise that otherwise some friends/family wouldn't be able to visit.

So I host them graciously and without rancour.

This would be a red flag for me.

It's your home as well as his and his actions are preventing you from having relationships with people close to you.

You're not having people stay frequently.

His unwillingness to compromise would be very concerning to me and I would be quite clear that if he wanted to continue in the relationship he needs to accept it's a partnership and not a dictatorship.

This. Absolutely.

I don't really like having folks to stay - but DH grew up 400 miles from where we currently live, and therefore most of his family and friends are a long way away. It's a long way to travel to see people, and if you are going to add in the cost of 3 or 4 nights in a hotel and food on top of your travel costs then you can probably go on a decent holiday abroad instead!

I suck it up. I'd probably rather not have visitors for 4 or 5 days at a time, and roughly two or three times a year we host DHs family/oldest friends. They are nice, and I don't dislike them in any way - I just find having other people in my home and space quite difficult and stressful. But marriage is about compromising on things you might not particularly want, if the other person does want that.

I certainly can't imagine refusing to consider 'allowing' this to happen.

LolaSmiles · 31/03/2024 19:10

Agree with people saying not to have children with this man.
He doesn't sound respectful and likes to demand everything is his way. I can see you all walking on eggshells around him.

dontcryformeargentina · 31/03/2024 19:51

I've seen these dynamics before in English husband/ Eastern European/ 3rd World country wife marriages, where wife depends on a husband financially. Not criticising ( I'm from that part of the world myself) , but usually both sides know what they are signing up for. Hence, he feels she isn't equal to demand anything.

PaperDoIIs · 31/03/2024 20:15

dontcryformeargentina · 31/03/2024 19:51

I've seen these dynamics before in English husband/ Eastern European/ 3rd World country wife marriages, where wife depends on a husband financially. Not criticising ( I'm from that part of the world myself) , but usually both sides know what they are signing up for. Hence, he feels she isn't equal to demand anything.

On the other hand, my English partner sleeps on the sofa for a month, so my EE mother can visit. Because he's a great person(better than I am).

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