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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

221 replies

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:13

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 31/03/2024 05:05

Farking Nora. Well, reading this thread, clearly it's not unusual to refuse to have anyone to stay. All.i can say is that it's this sort of shite that made me leave my first husband. I had a few friends round for tea and he went and hid in the bedroom, and was unbearably grumpy until they'd gone. We were together 5 years and I had good friends who literally never met him. We had a beautiful room that I always thought was a guest room, but he turned it into an office (he didn't work from home). We could never have anyone to stay. It was horrible.

Some people don't see the point of friendship and family So that means it's just you and him, for the next 60 years, nose to nose. Is that what you want? I wonder what the balance is between the time you spend with his family and with yours? I wonder how he would react to having children, and having your children's friends over, and to having parties?

mathanxiety · 31/03/2024 06:06

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:38

Yes that's basically how it is - he won't let me. He said that if I invite them anyway, he would tell them it doesn't suit him.

What if you were to tell your friends that you'd invite them to stay but your asshole of a husband won't let you, and you fear he would be horribly rude to them and humiliate you if you did?

What would they think of your relationship?

MCOut · 31/03/2024 06:12

He’s being unreasonable. It’s fine not to like having people over but he can’t have a blanket ban. It’s your home too. I wouldn’t tolerate this. Negotiate a set number of times a year, if he doesn’t play ball make it clear that you will choose a number you feel is reasonable and invite people anyway.

MyPenIsHuge · 31/03/2024 06:12

Ugh. No.

It's your house too. You've got space and it's the only way your friends could afford it?

Thus him saying no is socially isolating for you?

Fuck that. Don't have fucking kids with this asshole.

MCOut · 31/03/2024 06:15

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:38

Yes that's basically how it is - he won't let me. He said that if I invite them anyway, he would tell them it doesn't suit him.

Just saw this, let him know this is noted and you will explain that he is simply being miserable, unreasonable and controlling and is to be ignored. Disrespect can run both ways.

notacooldad · 31/03/2024 06:23

Like a lot of people, I too like my own space. However I recognise that sometimes compromises need to be done in a relationship. I'm not fond of dh's brother but he comes down to visit the area about twive a tear from Aberdeen ( we are in the north of England.) He stats two nights. It really isn't a big deal out of my year. It makes Dh happy, smooths family relations and doesn't cause that much disruption.
Dh compromises to me in in other areas of our life.
Swings and roundabouts!
Unless there is a massive drop feed your dh sounds unreasonable if he wont compromise.
Also I would definitely not be pandering and getting shut if them after breakfast. How rude!

ZenNudist · 31/03/2024 06:38

Waffleson · 30/03/2024 23:20

This is totally unreasonable I would think about leaving him now, before you have kids.

This
Sorry
Do not inflict this controlling arse on your future children!

Allow? You are married. Your opinions count too.

Why don't you invite your friend from far away and "forbid" him from being in the house. If he won't let the husband visit then you are having girls weekend without him.

JeysusH · 31/03/2024 06:46

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:38

Yes that's basically how it is - he won't let me. He said that if I invite them anyway, he would tell them it doesn't suit him.

What's his reasoning?

I mean, he is not the boss of you and he doesn't get to 'let' you do things.

But. What's his reasoning.

He has to have one?

DomesticatedSavage · 31/03/2024 06:46

If you ever have children would they be allowed to have friends come for sleepovers?

Autienotnaughtie · 31/03/2024 06:48

He's selfish and controlling.

It's fine he doesn't like people staying but you do so that means you compromise. So you agree a suitable number of times and it would be fair that he doesn't have to entertain them.

He's not allowing it to be a discussion it's just a no.

Is he like this about other stuff.? If you choose to have kids together will your parenting values align? What if they don't will you be comfortable with being told how your children will be raised.

user1492757084 · 31/03/2024 07:11

Can you invite a friend over on a weekend when he is away for work? Note how he reacts. It's selfish and cruel for him to say that he is fine with one guest but actually that never eventuates...
Get him used to a solo friend two or three times per year - then, once he kows them, invite a spouse.

You could save up to pay for a hotel room for your cousin, where they could sleep and you could join them in the restaurant for dinner and breakfast. You could not afford to do that often.
I think your husband is unreasonable.
You are asking for a couple of times per year. Is he worried they would keep asking and two stays could end up being ten?
If he is just being mean, I would ditch him.

Aishah231 · 31/03/2024 07:25

He doesn't get to decide for you OP. He needs to compromise and if he can't you need to leave as he will only get more controlling and dictatorial with age

PaminaMozart · 31/03/2024 07:29

Some people don't see the point of friendship and family So that means it's just you and him, for the next 60 years, nose to nose. Is that what you want? I wonder what the balance is between the time you spend with his family and with yours? I wonder how he would react to having children, and having your children's friends over, and to having parties?

THIS ^ Especially this:

just you and him, for the next 60 years, nose to nose...

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 31/03/2024 07:30

This is the abusive man that when you invited your parents to stay, he emailed them behind your back cancelling them, right?

RokaandRoll · 31/03/2024 07:32

His attitude is awful and his refusal.to explain it is arguably even worse. I would never stay with a man who thought he could "allow" or "not allow" me to do anything. Is he awkward in other ways or is this the only warning sign of how difficult he is and how lonely you'll be tiptoeing around him if you stay?

LolaSmiles · 31/03/2024 07:32

He's objecting to couples outside of immediate family, so how often are immediate family also staying? If there's immediate family staying one weekend a month, for example, and then there's the chance of having friends staying and some wider family, could there be some months where 2-3 weekends are taken up by house guests? It could add up for someone who doesn't like having houseguests.

I agree with other posters he's being an arse about it though. Talking about whether he will 'let' you and if you book something he will go to the couple and say it doesn't work is a red flag

Mamoun · 31/03/2024 07:33

He sounds awful. What a miserable life you're directing yourself into.

boobot1 · 31/03/2024 07:36

caringcarer · 31/03/2024 00:41

Don't have DC with this controlling person. 🚩🚩

I second this, Run.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2024 07:37

laenwtine · 30/03/2024 23:38

I wouldn't like to have people stay in my home either - I find it intrusive and my home is my private space where I relax. We are in London too and it should be affordable for a couple to pay for one night in a budget hotel once a year- if the visit means enough to them it shouldn't put them off visiting.

I would be very offended if friends with a spare room invited me to their city but didn’t host me and expected me to pay £200+ for a room, when they had one sitting empty! I think if op doesn’t feel able to stand up to her husband then she should go and visit her friends.
op if they are that good friends please explain to them what’s going on so you don’t lose them.
im assuming he wouldn’t agree to make himself scarce a couple of times a year?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2024 07:38

boobot1 · 31/03/2024 07:36

I second this, Run.

Yes he’s really isolating her from her support network. Many women want their parents to stay and help after having a baby - will that be banned too?

CheeryPye · 31/03/2024 07:45

Well most importantly is the property jointly owned? If it is then it's none of his business . When he says to your guests that it doesn't suit him, you tell them that it suits you. Does he not see how illogical this is? If he doesn't want couples staying why are his parents staying? Are they separated?

PoochiesPinkEars · 31/03/2024 07:47

That's crackers.
So, you can't enjoy your friend's company, putting the world to rights until as late as you fancy then rolling into bed after a really good catch up, in your own home because... He won't let you.

I know another pp said she'd rather not have house guests, so, maybe some people never want to host... But you do and it's hardly unusual. But...
He's put his foot down.
He doesn't do compromise, you have no say on your own home.
These relationships are important to you and time together helps you keep those relationships happy and close, this is a barrier to that.
It's he trying to distance you from good friends and family, isolate you?
Your own reasonable wishes have to pass the DH approval filter.
Is he never a recipient of hospitality?

It's not nice or healthy whatever.
You have no agency in your own home.

GreatGateauxsby · 31/03/2024 07:47

I was about to say "This has been posted before"

You will get people agruing the toss for him... the reality is in marriages you have to compromise and what are suggesting is completely reasonable and would be a non issue in 99.5%+ of relationships. You are willing to negotiate he wont.

Look i cannot believe this is happening in a vacuum.

Its incredibly unreasonable for your husband to give no flex and this cannot be the only area of your life where he gives precisely ZERO FUCKS about your reasonable feelings/ wishes / wants.

Not what you asked but use effective contraception.
I would be incredibly hesitant to even think about bringing children into the mix. Nothing requires more compromise and meeting in the middle than parenting.
He also sounds like he likes his space, usual rountine and peace & quiet...kids bring lots to the party. They dont being these things though... 😵‍💫

LadySpratt · 31/03/2024 07:48

Extrapolate this to the future - what if you have children? If his only quirk is not allowing your chosen people to stay, what will he say about his child(ren) having sleepovers, or even a more minor scenario of having friends over to play, or other mums coming for coffee with their sprogs?

PoochiesPinkEars · 31/03/2024 07:53

Whatever you do, don't have kids with this guy.

You'll be locked in to years of this being stripped of adult autonomy. And this is not normal and you don't want any child thinking it is.

The pp who also hate house guests - surely a balance between two different wishes would be normal in a healthy relationship. Compromise would be possible surely.

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