Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

[Zathanea]

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

You're bending over backwards to try and compromise and he still won't agree. Well tough shit, I'd invite your friends over regardless and he can go elsewhere if he's being that much of a dick. Seeing friends and family is sooo important or your relationship becomes a bubble.

This is NOTHING to do with having visitors.
It is EVERYTHING to do with OP being treated like a second class citizen in her own home because OP's 'D'H believes she is less than him. Even if she earned more money she would still be less than him.

OP, it is very very clear that this situation will continue forever unless you do something about it. The only thing you can do is leave as he will never change his opinion that he is way, way better than you. And treat you as less of a person. Less valid. Treat you as if he doesn't love you at all.

I hope you are joining the dots here, OP.

Ok so you pay less than half the mortgage, therefore you get zero say in who stays in your house? That makes no sense.

Tell him if you pay 25% of the mortgage then you get guests 25% or the time. That's his (stupid) logic, and it doesn't leave you with zero rights.

He measures your worth and his against your respective incomes.
Now anything you want that he doesn't also want is 'a demand', by which he means you are not entitled to want something unless he does too. You aren't a person in your own right. Whatever you bring to the table in terms of your personal qualities is irrelevant against a backdrop of his big bucks.
You're good enough to be his woman, are you easy on the eye by any chance? But you aren't worthy of compromise or inconvenience to him.

You are firmly at the bottom of the heap here. Your important relationships are meaningless, a -non existent tiny factor in his thinking/choices.

Given his attitude, I strongly recommend your existence doesn't ever become a net deficit in his life. Don't get sick, don't have children (he would slide down your priorities), don't embarrass him, don't get fat.

But you (and us) have been over this again and again

He's horrible and won't change

What are you going to do about it?

Exactly this. He is selfish

So if you have DC and drop to part time, or become a SAHM then you are immediately 'worthless' and get no opinion over your home? Because he brings in the money.

He's a controlling, abusive prick. But you know that. We have been here before. You would be far better off divorcing, taking your share of the assets and living the life you want to live.

Let's see what he can afford when he's paying a whole mortgage as a single man. And then he can make whatever rules he likes as the sole occupier.

Thanks again all. Some of you asked if he has tried to dictate things in other areas.

He also refused to allow my parents to stay for more than a weekend (I had wanted to offer them an extra day, because a) they had a 7-hour drive down, b) they were helping with DIY and sewing jobs in the house, and c) I wanted to spend more time with them. Yet he refused. He could have just gone into the office on the extra day (the Friday). He was also difficult about being flexible about the weekend they could some, and refused to offer them alternative weekends that would suit their plans better.

I posted about this parent visit under a different username. Some of you realised that this was me - I'm wondering how you worked that out? @Ihearyousingingdownthewire @Nanny0gg @BlossomBlossomBlossom @Secondstart1001 @Earbuddy Are there so few men like this?

As some have mentioned, he did also cancel a visit my parents had planned (after I had offered them 3 full days anyway), because he had a work event the following week. It was true he had a work event, and he's in a high-pressure job where he worries about making a good impression on his bosses, and he wanted some head-space before - so I cut him a bit of slack for this (while also thinking it was OTT to cancel it).

Something else I've posted about previously - he also doesn't want my parents to visit a nice place in Ireland for a weekend, when we're staying in his parents' holiday cottage for a while (it would be just us in the cottage, and my parents would stay in a B&B nearby). I know my parents, who are in their 70s, would really enjoy it and they've always wanted to visit - we could have shown them around.

Like the guest issue in this current thread - his attitude seems really irrational? as well as being unreasonable.

I know some will ask why I'm still posting. It takes a while to process things - but I know I can't go on 'processing' forever.

I remember your post about Ireland.
Hownstly OP he is selfish and you will love to regret not having the time with your parents . If he cares about you he wouldn’t put restrictions on you like a child.

He does not see you as his equal.

Myabe time for those ducks to be in the right place .

Oh god - I too remember your posts about parents visiting, and about Ireland. I wouldn't want to spend the next 50+ years with someone like that. He is very unreasonable and it shouldn't be so hard to negotiate something pretty basic. If he cared for you, he wouldn't be so difficult.

In response to your question: no, there aren't many men like that. Imagine all the people you could invite over if you lived without him!!

I know some will ask why I'm still posting. It takes a while to process things - but I know I can't go on 'processing' forever

Do keep posting whenever you feel the need, @Zathanea

But accept that the answers will ultimately be the same: your husband is unreasonable, he doesn't have your back, and he is both controlling and abusive.

Your options are

• leave now
• stay, have kids and leave in 10, 15, 20 years - when leaving will be much more difficult
• stay forever and let him grind you down until you are a shadow of your former self.

My strong recommendation would be option 1.

I would want to know exactly what his objection is; if he has truly valid reasons, and not 'because he doesn't want it', fine. If it's all bollocks I would have to tell him to suck it up for the sake of a couple of times a year.

Just read your updates, OP. I really think you should rethink your entire relationship with this man.

I'm no expect but I don't think telling a coercive controller to suck it up is a workable solution

Which she knows.

I just don't know how long it will take her to find the strength to dump him

@Zathanea it just sounded so familiar to the other post. The behaviour and the closeness of the post. My ex H was very controlling and one thing he’d do is stop family coming over or fight we me so much or create such a bad atmosphere if they were to visit that I’d tell them not to come. Women also make very good detectives due to so many shit men being about!

Please read this carefully OP.

You have one life. One, precious life.

Can you really bear the thought of spending it with someone who is fundamentally unkind and selfish? Who views you as their inferior?

Doesn't the thought of spending your life with someone being unkind to you and making you feel inferior and uncherished fill you with complete dread?

Because he won't change. This is who he is.

It breaks my heart that you deep down seem to know this but are scared to act on it. That's the awful thing about cruel men, they grind you down until you're so confused about whether you're in fact the problem that you don't leave them.

Glad he is your ex now. Are you much happier? hope so.

Nah. I'm of an age that I am no longer interested to host out my house as an AirB&B for free.

There's plenty of options around.

You'll be doing all the hosting and cleaning.

Fuck that.

very few men do it

Some people feel uncomfortable having guests, so is my partner. I respect that it is his own space too so I accept it is one thing on which we don't agree and his discomfort for me is more important than my friends. Moreover we tried it once and he was truly intolerant, so some friendships were ruined. I trust him and also know he had issues in his life so I know where this comes from. Arguing about it for me is too much fuss.

Divorcing for this is an exaggeration. I would divorce for things like cheating, violence, gambling, addictions etc.
I know it is disappointing to you, if it is a major deal try to discuss it and see what there is behind it. If he is so adverse to couples there must be specific issues, it is so weird.

I wouldn't leave my husband for this however, unless there is something really wrong going on.

He just doesn't value you very much OP. Sorry.