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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

221 replies

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:13

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 31/03/2024 07:54

He sounds as though he wants everything his own way. That’s fine if you’re single. Less so if you’re not. Do you want a lonely old age because he’s frozen out all your friends and family?

AgentProvocateur · 31/03/2024 08:08

This would be a deal breaker for me - first for being so inhospitable, and second for being so controlling.

QueSyrahSyrah · 31/03/2024 08:10

He's very strange. I don't especially enjoy house guests either, but if DH wanted to have someone to stay occasionally (and we had space) I could suck it up for a night or two for his sake.

ittakes2 · 31/03/2024 08:10

I would counter this by inviting them and saying you would pay for the hotel room as you would love to see them.

PaminaMozart · 31/03/2024 08:12

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 31/03/2024 07:30

This is the abusive man that when you invited your parents to stay, he emailed them behind your back cancelling them, right?

OMG I remember... Are you the same poster @Zathanea ?

If you are - actually scratch that, this advice applies to anyone with a husband like OP's... - nail down your contraception......... do NOT have children with this man!!

Frangipanyoul8r · 31/03/2024 08:14

Why can’t he have a night away while you host? If you live in London with a couple of spare rooms, surely he can afford a night in a hotel somewhere.

Nicole1111 · 31/03/2024 08:16

How else does he control you? Have you ever challenged him about being controlling?

Loloj · 31/03/2024 08:17

I think it is ridiculous and unreasonable of him to “not let” you have guests stay over.

I’d tell my partner to get over himself if he started trying to control me not having friends or relatives stay overnight.

It would be different if it were every weekend but it’s not - you’re asking for a couple of weekends a year and he still objects?! That’s a red flag to me. It shows unwillingness to compromise and that he wants the final say.

Waitingfordoggo · 31/03/2024 08:33

ittakes2 · 31/03/2024 08:10

I would counter this by inviting them and saying you would pay for the hotel room as you would love to see them.

And get the DH to stay in it!

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2024 08:35

I wonder what he thinks the rooms should be used for. Does he have other plans for them?

Personally I couldn't live like that. I would want to be able to have friends to stay in my own home and I wouldn't want to be "allowed" to do anything.

Foxblue · 31/03/2024 08:35

Honestly, I totally understand hating hosting, I really do get it. But you shouldn't have kids with anyone who won't compromise. You WILL regret it.
The fact he doesn't even WANT to compromise, to make you happy? Just... this baffles me. Its a partnership.

Dery · 31/03/2024 08:36

”The question is whether you would very occasionally be willing to put aside your own discomfort for something that is very important to your partner. I don’t love having houseguests (although a private en-suite guest room like OP’s makes it a lot easier) so I get that part of it, but I also like seeing my partner happy. Luckily the feeling is mutual so nobody feels hard done by even when we do things we wouldn’t otherwise prefer. I can’t imagine being married to someone who puts their own preferences first at all times, every single night of the year forever and ever with no exceptions.”

DH and I both enjoy having guests but in terms of sentiment: this. And I don’t think arranging for guests to leave after breakfast should be necessary either. It is worrying that he is so unwilling to accommodate you on this and he thinks it’s okay.

Rudolftheorange · 31/03/2024 08:46

does he have an issue with men? I don’t understand why it would be fine for a single (presumably woman) but not for a couple. All the hosting issues are the same.

BabyBoyBeautiful · 31/03/2024 08:59

So would any future children be banned from having friends stay over?
What does he think the purpose of your spare rooms are currently for?
I would ask him if he wants to move to a one bed as it is a waste of time paying for rooms that are never used!! I wouldn't really, I would just ltb and enjoy a decent social life.

Blogswife · 31/03/2024 09:06

Maybe he feels that his home is being used as free accommodation for a couples weekend in London . ?

JJathome · 31/03/2024 09:10

Personally I would not accept my hisband deciding in this manner, I’d invite them and he can either accept or fuck off out of it for the duration. It’s your house too.

i love hosting and often have friends and family to stay , 12 or more, my husband enjoys it too, but I’m the organiser and the inviter mainly although he pulls his weight when folks are here.

just tell him they are staying, you’ve invited them, he can either stay in a hotel or accept it, but it’s your house too and he doesn’t get to call all the shots.

JJathome · 31/03/2024 09:11

Can’t believe someone said at the start of the thread they’d not tolerate someone having sex in their house, that’s so friggen weird, generally you’d not even know.

the thought of someone saying either you can stay but no sex, or you can’t stay as I’m worried you’d have sex is so cringe.

3BellyProblem · 31/03/2024 09:14

I remember your old thread. My opinion hasn’t changed. He sounds extremely controlling and his attitude and behaviour towards you and people you care about isn’t acceptable.

PaperDoIIs · 31/03/2024 09:18

Has he said why? And it needs to be an actual answer with an actual reason.

If not, just tell him it's your house too, you have excellent reasons for wanting it to happen and it is happening. He has the option of hiding away in the bedroom, go out , stay at his parent's/go away for the night. He doesn't just get to say no.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2024 09:30

Blogswife · 31/03/2024 09:06

Maybe he feels that his home is being used as free accommodation for a couples weekend in London . ?

She is inviting her friends to stay not running an Airbnb.

Do you never have friends to stay?

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2024 09:32

IIRC (and you've namechanged so not sure) this is not the only issue and I'm not sure why you're still there

And isn't he the one that cancelled an arrangement you made by telling your friends it wasn't happening?

Trixiefirecracker · 31/03/2024 09:34

This exact same thread has been posted before I am sure of it. 🤔

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2024 09:36

Trixiefirecracker · 31/03/2024 09:34

This exact same thread has been posted before I am sure of it. 🤔

Yes. She said she posted about it before

PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 09:36

Would these people want to visit you if you were in some boring town that closed at 9pm? Or do they want to visit London and conveniently have a free place to stay? This may be how your husband sees it and doesn’t want your or your house to be taken advantage of.

80skid · 31/03/2024 09:39

Is this the only issue where he has the only and final say?
I note that you say you don't have children yet - I fear thjs will not be the only issue where he overrules you entirely despite your quite frankly, reasonable wants. Having children brings lots a whole world of potential for disagreements. His unwillingness to listen, discuss or compromise sounds very worrying for whatever future you think you'll have together

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