Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

[SperaT]

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

My immediate reaction is that he is being ridiculous. My DH does not enjoy house guests but puts up with it a few times a year for my sake. However, is there anything else going on OP, is is ND, for example?

Why is having a couple to stay more disruptive to his routine? Is it because you would entertain a single friend yourself but he feels he would be required to be around more with a couple?

Your language makes me uncomfortable. It is not reasonable for your husband to “allow” or “ not allow” something, you should both have equal say. When partners disagree there should be a level of compromise on both sides, anything else smacks of control.

Do you not co-own this house?

What is his reasoning for this?

Why is he in charge? It's your house too I assume?

Thanks @andyourpointiswhat . I think 'not allow' is the right word to use, because he said he 'has put his foot down' on it.

@TwigTheWonderKid he doesn't have any neurodiverse issues.

It's not his choice to make, it's half your home too. Stand your ground!

Yes we do! But he says it's his house too, and I can't force a couple on him.

To not allow it seems very extreme and makes no sense. If it’s just to do with the disruption, he’s being very selfish. Reasonable to spread guests out across the year, so none visit too close together as that could get exhausting.

Has he been able to give any reasonable explanation for this approach to (in)hospitality? Is he worried about people having sex in your spare room? Or multiple people wearing out the carpet more quickly? Do non family do something unspeakable that immediate family don’t?

He sounds weird.

Why will he allow a single person but not a couple? How is a couple more 'disruptive to his routine' than a single person? He's being weird. And controlling, 'putting his foot down'.

Does he not approve of the idea of a couple having sex in your house? That's the only reason I can find for him saying yes to single friends but not couples!

He’s being ridiculous and controlling. If it was a.regular ruing maybe I could see his point but for the odd night, he is being absolutely pathetic.

Does he say why?
I agree it’s weird - it’s lovely having a visitor and gabbing away over wine.

He sounds really controlling tbh.

I agree with this.

Your use of the word 'allow' and your further post saying he has put his foot down, would make me think of control issues in your relationship.
He is your husband, not your father. You should be an equal partner in this relationship. A relationship is all about compromise and not everyone is going to love everything equally, however, you put up with certain things you might not particularly enjoy because your partner does (obviously, I mean within reason -you're not going to put up with your partner having friends in the guestroom every weekend just cos they enjoy it) But "not allowing" you have a couple stay over a few times a year sounds very controlling to me. Do you find his behaviour controlling in other aspects of your relationship or decision making? Are there many things he "puts his foot down" over?

There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine.

Fucking ridiculous unless there is a bit ND backstory somewhere. As I'm guessing not due to your previous comment, he's being a brat and would get short shrift.

Oh dear darling, I’ve thought and thought and I can’t understand your reasons and I can’t get on board with never being able to have people to stay. So I’ve invited my cousin and you’ll have to go stay somewhere else for the night, or file for divorce and we can work out the details of separation. It’s a shame this was such a sticking point but it’s intolerable.

No I don't think he has a problem with a couple having sex in the spare room!

It's more that having a male partner there means he feels more obliged to be hospitable (e.g. join for breakfast).

He sounds unpleasant and controlling. I'd be telling him I'd invited my cousin and her partner on X night and if he didn't want to socialise fine but they are still coming. If he hates it that much he can go out for the evening. It is your house too and you are entitled to invite guests occasionally.

Is he your dad. No man would be ‘putting their foot down’ over me in my own house who does he think he is? Challenge him, why does he think he gets to make the rules? You’re married he should be able to tell you why and you compromise. Why is a couple different from a single person, most bizarre

You’re married, it’s your friends so what if they’re not immediate family?

Your DH us using this as a low level form of control and whilst I wouldn’t LTB over it I’d certainly file it away carefully un my mind in case there are more.

So he'd be okay with a female gay couple?

If I have say my sister to say with wife then they head off early the next day and partner is fast asleep whilst I have brief breakfast coffee with them m. No one cares!

Oh please. If it is thid reason tell him to gets bloody grip. This would really grate on me after a while.