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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

221 replies

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:13

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
HummingbirdChandelier · 31/03/2024 11:01

hangingonfordearlife1 · 31/03/2024 10:37

well i think she does. if my husband asked people to stay without asking permission i'd be really bloody annoyed

That’s weird, in my opinion. I’d mention it to a partner but not expect to be “allowed” or not to have friends to stay.

I’d get rid

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/03/2024 11:04

hangingonfordearlife1 · 31/03/2024 10:35

i don't like anyone staying over to be quite honest. i don't blame him. they can stay at a hotel

That's not the case for him though. He's fine with one person staying though, just not a couple. Don't you think that's strange?

It means the issue isn't people staying over, it's them being a couple.

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/03/2024 11:05

Charlie2121 · 31/03/2024 10:33

I can see his point. I hate having people stay over and also would far rather stay in a hotel than at friends or family houses. I guess the difference is that both I and my DH feel the same so it never causes any conflict. If we had opposing views I can see that would be awkward.

We have never hosted nor stayed over even at parents houses.

That's not the case for him though. He's fine with one person staying, just not a couple. Don't you think that's strange?

It means the issue isn't people staying over, it's them being a couple.

Hoglet70 · 31/03/2024 11:05

I hate overnight visitors and luckily we don't have room for them but the thought fills me with horror. DH is much more sociable than me and I would probably raise every objection under the sun if he wanted people to stay. I'm not controlling, just weird and my anxiety would be through the roof.

Hoglet70 · 31/03/2024 11:06

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/03/2024 11:05

That's not the case for him though. He's fine with one person staying, just not a couple. Don't you think that's strange?

It means the issue isn't people staying over, it's them being a couple.

Does he think though that by saying couples can't come then that will just squash the idea of the visit as the spouse in question wont come without their other half? Just his idea of how to stop it happening.

caringcarer · 31/03/2024 11:10

AgentProvocateur · 31/03/2024 08:08

This would be a deal breaker for me - first for being so inhospitable, and second for being so controlling.

Me too. How can you possibly love someone who is trying to isolate you from your friends. He could say I'll go away for the weekend 3 times a year and you have friends over then.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2024 11:18

scoobysnaxx · 31/03/2024 09:55

Omg.

End it OP.

Others are right.

How will he feel about 'all the noise and mess' children make?

Would he be a grumpy asshole locking himself away? Sulking?

Would he 'allow' sleepovers or their friends over? Or would there be a big sulk?

Honestly I'd think of the much bigger picture living with a man like this.

Sounds like you'd be doing a lot alone and going home to a grumpy controlling asshole who sulks.

I was wondering if this is the same op. I agree with this and wonder what sort of father he will be. What were his parents like, were they controlling?

If he doesn’t come out with you on nights out anymore, that’s his look out. Time to stop allowing yourself to be controlled. You’re not expecting anything unreasonable from him. It is common courtesy to ask your spouse if it’s ok / when it’s ok for people stay over. Creating a blanket ban is totally unacceptable.

Codlingmoths · 31/03/2024 11:24

i would have to say I’ve been thinking about your position on friends staying and I think we are just incompatible. While we talk this through let’s separate the house and calendar into two. One spare room is yours, one is mine. We ‘own’ the living area alternate weekends. And I will only ask people to stay on my weekends. And if that means you want a divorce then I guess we start the mediation process to see what that looks like, as I cannot live like this and i will not.
you don’t say if you are planning dc but you can’t have kids with a man who is this rigid.
also, don’t hide from your friends what’s going on. Don’t awkwardly say you have to stay in a hotel because fake reasoning. Beg them to come and stay , say things are awkward with your husband right now but I really really could do with seeing you. And see if your marriage can survive it. If it can’t, it wasn’t worth fighting for. He isn’t.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 11:33

laenwtine · 30/03/2024 23:38

I wouldn't like to have people stay in my home either - I find it intrusive and my home is my private space where I relax. We are in London too and it should be affordable for a couple to pay for one night in a budget hotel once a year- if the visit means enough to them it shouldn't put them off visiting.

@laenwtine

can you really not bear it for one weekend every so
oft??

do you not like your friends? Why can’t you relax with them?

I think it’s proper tight to expect your mates to fork out for a air n b’n’b or whatever in London when you have rooms spare

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 11:34

Hoglet70 · 31/03/2024 11:05

I hate overnight visitors and luckily we don't have room for them but the thought fills me with horror. DH is much more sociable than me and I would probably raise every objection under the sun if he wanted people to stay. I'm not controlling, just weird and my anxiety would be through the roof.

@Hoglet70

lol why on earth does it “fill you with horrible “?

HollyKnight · 31/03/2024 11:36

It sounds like he just doesn't want people in his private home. But when you live with someone, you no longer get to decide that on your own. His refusal to compromise is a massive red flag. It shows you how he doesn't regard you as an equal, how he doesn't care about what you want, how he thinks he gets to dictate what happens in your home. You would be an absolute fool to tie yourself to someone like this permanently by having children. I would even go so far to say you are a fool to stay with someone who thinks so little of you.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 11:37

DaisyHaites · 31/03/2024 10:00

Just incompatibility. DH and I are in agreement no one stays over, and we would never stay at another friends house.

If he really cared I probably would relent to twice a year, but I’d hate it!

@DaisyHaites

why would you find it so aversive? To have friends stay over or you stay over at theirs? Would you be ok if your husband wanted to stay over at a friends house?

genuinely curious!

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 31/03/2024 11:37

Remind him that both of you will be living in much smaller premises when you divorce him.

fluffycloudalert · 31/03/2024 11:44

HollyKnight · 31/03/2024 11:36

It sounds like he just doesn't want people in his private home. But when you live with someone, you no longer get to decide that on your own. His refusal to compromise is a massive red flag. It shows you how he doesn't regard you as an equal, how he doesn't care about what you want, how he thinks he gets to dictate what happens in your home. You would be an absolute fool to tie yourself to someone like this permanently by having children. I would even go so far to say you are a fool to stay with someone who thinks so little of you.

He's fine with one person staying over though, which makes it all the more odd that he refuses to allow couples to stay.

I agree, he doesn't care in the slightest about the OP's feelings, he's only interested in dictating things and being King of the Castle.

theduchessofspork · 31/03/2024 11:46

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:38

Yes that's basically how it is - he won't let me. He said that if I invite them anyway, he would tell them it doesn't suit him.

This has to be a compromise - you’d like people to stay 6-weekly, but because he doesn’t like it, it’s 3 times a year.

If you can’t find a compromise I’d be seriously reconsidering the marriage - raising kids with this guy will be a nightmare.

QuillBill · 31/03/2024 11:47

Just incompatibility. DH and I are in agreement no one stays over, and we would never stay at another friends house.

Do you think this is a 'closeness' thing?

There arefriends where it would be strange of they stayed over but then there friends who you are completely comfortable with. I've got friends where I am so comfortable with them that I wouldn't feel/do or say any differently if they were there in my home.

And in my family with my parents and my siblings we don't even have to discuss staying with one another. We would just say 'I'm going to stay at yours next weekend if you are not doing anything' and the other one would say OK or 'you can't we are doing something'. But it's down to closeness. We are just the same people if we are with them or not.

HollyKnight · 31/03/2024 11:48

fluffycloudalert · 31/03/2024 11:44

He's fine with one person staying over though, which makes it all the more odd that he refuses to allow couples to stay.

I agree, he doesn't care in the slightest about the OP's feelings, he's only interested in dictating things and being King of the Castle.

He says that, but it hasn't actually happened. I wouldn't be surprised if he found an excuse to say no to that when OP tries to arrange it. Even if he did "allow" it to happen once, he would likely find a reason to prevent it happening again.

NutellaEllaElla · 31/03/2024 11:56

This man is a bad apple OP and the longer you stay, if you have kids, the worse it's going to get. Even the most generous interpretation indicates that you're not compatible and are essentially living with a strict parent. Leave and live like the normal adult you are.

BusyMummy001 · 31/03/2024 11:57

Waffleson · 30/03/2024 23:20

This is totally unreasonable I would think about leaving him now, before you have kids.

Typical MN response. DH and I disagree on something => LTB!

OP, I would explore why he doesn’t want people staying. Whilst I and DH have always loved having people stay if they’ve travelled to see us for the day/dinner, it’s only ever been for the night and it’s friends we both know very well. As we’ve got older, people have been less inclined to stay anyway (can’t drink so much, have dogs, prefer own beds).

Does he have a high pressure/high social contact job where he looks forward to the safety and privacy of his home? Is he shy, an only child, not happy to have people [cousin’s spouses, or even some of your - not his - friends] he doesn’t know in his home? Has he house shared and had a nightmare experience in the past?

It’s a lovely thought to have your friends/family stay, but if it’s his home he needs to feel comfortable too? It doesn’t have to be about ‘control’ just about what makes him feel his personal space is being invaded. You need to explore why he has an issue and maybe accept that it might not work for him.

Rowen32 · 31/03/2024 12:01

I couldn't have people staying in my house either, I just couldn't.. My husband is the same thankfully so it's not something we do or offer..

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 12:25

BusyMummy001 · 31/03/2024 11:57

Typical MN response. DH and I disagree on something => LTB!

OP, I would explore why he doesn’t want people staying. Whilst I and DH have always loved having people stay if they’ve travelled to see us for the day/dinner, it’s only ever been for the night and it’s friends we both know very well. As we’ve got older, people have been less inclined to stay anyway (can’t drink so much, have dogs, prefer own beds).

Does he have a high pressure/high social contact job where he looks forward to the safety and privacy of his home? Is he shy, an only child, not happy to have people [cousin’s spouses, or even some of your - not his - friends] he doesn’t know in his home? Has he house shared and had a nightmare experience in the past?

It’s a lovely thought to have your friends/family stay, but if it’s his home he needs to feel comfortable too? It doesn’t have to be about ‘control’ just about what makes him feel his personal space is being invaded. You need to explore why he has an issue and maybe accept that it might not work for him.

@BusyMummy001

but what if it works for her though?

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 12:26

Rowen32 · 31/03/2024 12:01

I couldn't have people staying in my house either, I just couldn't.. My husband is the same thankfully so it's not something we do or offer..

@Rowen32

why couldn’t you?

BusyMummy001 · 31/03/2024 12:30

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 12:25

@BusyMummy001

but what if it works for her though?

Then they need to consider whether living together and sharing a home is right for them - but keep a perspective: she is talking about maybe having people stay for a few weekends and it’s for OP to decide whether she wants to end a relationship over that when she could simply go and visit her family/friends alone a couple of times year. Her needs aren’t more important than his, just as his aren’t more important than hers.

It’s a relationship, and these are full of compromise. This is not a hill I would die on - or let my relationship die on.

BusyMummy001 · 31/03/2024 12:31

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 12:26

@Rowen32

why couldn’t you?

None of your business, I’d say. It works for her and her partner.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 12:34

BusyMummy001 · 31/03/2024 12:30

Then they need to consider whether living together and sharing a home is right for them - but keep a perspective: she is talking about maybe having people stay for a few weekends and it’s for OP to decide whether she wants to end a relationship over that when she could simply go and visit her family/friends alone a couple of times year. Her needs aren’t more important than his, just as his aren’t more important than hers.

It’s a relationship, and these are full of compromise. This is not a hill I would die on - or let my relationship die on.

@BusyMummy001

why she compromise and not him?
maybe she just shouldn’t bother seeing family and friends full stop, make it even easier

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