Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

[Zathanea]

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

I think you have to decide whether you are happy to live like this. I don't think many of us would be. I would find that incredibly controlling and would lose all respect for him as well.

What else does he not let you do?

It is not always cheap or practical for friends to stay in a hotel in London on a Saturday night.

I know that one of my friends doesn't have much money. She and her husband would find it quite a big cost. And it's not friendly to say 'come and visit us, but stay in a hotel nearby', especially when we have spare rooms (i understand that it's different if you don't have the space)

It must be this.

What 🤣

Op. Does he make rules in other areas?

Does he rule the roost in other ways?

He said that if I invite them anyway, he would tell them it doesn't suit him

Wow. That is really awful. And absolutely controlling.

yanbu. It's an entirely reasonable request. Are there any other ways you'd like to spend your time thst he's not happy about.

What would happen if you said "Look it would make me really happy to have A and B and Y and Z to stay for a weekend next month. I know you're not happy to have people stay so how about you go to this conference/visit this friend/stay at this hotel for the night?"

Feels like this goes deeper than just hosting.

Does he try to dictate other areas of house life? He sounds very controlling- why does he get the final say on this matter

I like my own space and don't really enjoy people staying overnight but I also realise that otherwise some friends/family wouldn't be able to visit.

So I host them graciously and without rancour.

This would be a red flag for me.

It's your home as well as his and his actions are preventing you from having relationships with people close to you.

You're not having people stay frequently.

His unwillingness to compromise would be very concerning to me and I would be quite clear that if he wanted to continue in the relationship he needs to accept it's a partnership and not a dictatorship.

His unwillingness to compromise would be very concerning to me and I would be quite clear that if he wanted to continue in the relationship he needs to accept it's a partnership and not a dictatorship.

This, totally.

Is it the male half of a couple he has a problem with?

You are a fully functioning adult with rights of your own. He isn't your boss.
If you want guests then you invite guests.
If he wants to appear like a twat when they arrive then that's his issue.

This.

this level of control and bullying is abnormal.
yes some people don't really enjoy having visitors: it is work BUT his blanket policy is irrational insulting and soul distroying.
it's isolating which is a huge red flag to abusive behavior and being in an abusive relationship.

Don't have DC with this controlling person. 🚩🚩

Yeah, this. I absolutely hate having people stay over, it makes me feel so uncomfortable, and I don't want to feel like that in my own house. I equally don't like staying at people's houses.

It sounds to me that you are not equal in this marriage. It's almost as if he thinks he did you a favour by marrying you and allowing you to live in the house he has acquired pre marriage. So he is tolerating the bare minimum ( parents staying) but no one else. Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't see any other explanation. Where is your husband from and where are you from?

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast

See, I find all this a completely alien concept. Promise they leave after breakfast?

My dh is up cooking breakfast, even if he's never met them before.
But that's just him and how he is. He loves somebody to talk at. He would prob never want them to leave.

But we live in rural Suffolk, not central London. Having moved away from my roots in the North of England, we often have visitors come and stay. Some his family, (from Devon) some mine, some his old friends, some mine.

Having said that, I do respect that everyone is not the same as me. As us.
Neither of us are put out or thrown by having people to stay and we quite enjoy entertaining them.

So the issue is that nobody is wrong or right. OPs husband does not want to entertain people in his home. That's how he feels and he has a right to be comfortable in his own home.

OP on the other hand would like people to stay more often, enjoys having people visit and sleep over. Which is also very normal.

So the upshot is, who wins? My personal opinion is that I could not tolerate living with someone who makes arbitrary rules about which of my relatives and friends are allowed to stay, with or without partners, and how many times a year.

If my husband dictated that to me and gave me a limited list of who and how often my friends could stay over, then I'd be quite worried that all was not well with his mental health. After ascertaining that he was mentally fit and all this was just his preference, then I would be less understanding.

OP. Why does he get to make the rules and call the shots?
He just needs to be told. 'this is happening' If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is situated.

You really can't tell guests they must leave after breakfast.

I remember being invited to stay with a friend. I had previously visited twice as she had a toddler and it was easier for me to go to her rather than her to visit me. Her husband looked after the baby when we went out. It was a four hours plus round trip.

I arrived around 3pm or 4pm on a Saturday. I can't remember if we ate or not but we went to a local bar for a couple of glasses of wine,, then went back to the house and had an early night.. We both got up the next morning around 10am and she asked me what train I was getting as there was one at 11am.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable knowing I was an unwanted guest and resentful that I had travelled a four hours plus round trip and that really was the end of our friendship.

This is ridiculous. He sounds very controlling and unreasonable. It’s not like you want people to stay every week or even every month! It’s your house too.

Yup yup

I think you're being over sensitive. Everyone likes their own space.

I'd love to see you but I don't want it chipping too much into my next day

Does he have a health problem such as using the toilet frequently? How many bathrooms do you have?

But that’s not the question. The question is whether you would very occasionally be willing to put aside your own discomfort for something that is very important to your partner. I don’t love having houseguests (although a private en-suite guest room like OP’s makes it a lot easier) so I get that part of it, but I also like seeing my partner happy. Luckily the feeling is mutual so nobody feels hard done by even when we do things we wouldn’t otherwise prefer. I can’t imagine being married to someone who puts their own preferences first at all times, every single night of the year forever and ever with no exceptions.